Page critique 1/18/24

[Nathan Bransford]

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: Kokuzek, the never land
Genre: Novel - Fiction based on a true story
250 words
Sonia grabbed her sheet music and hurried into the living room to tell Papa she was leaving. His small frame was sunk so deeply into his favorite leather armchair, she would have missed him in the faint light had she not seen the white newspaper on his lap.
She went to the window and drew open the drapes to let the June sun flood the room. “Good morning, Papa.”
He looked up. “Good morning, child. Leaving so early? Must be the rehearsal.” His cheeriness belied the tension in his face.
“What is it, Papa?”
He didn’t answer and didn’t smile.
She didn’t need worries today, not before her concert tonight. “I know. Ilyusha declined the invitation to my concert. But Liza will come, won’t she? I want my sister there; her husband can stay home if he wants.”
Papa’s expression didn’t change, which meant he must be disturbed about something else. She waited. Would he say what it was?
He lifted the newspaper and pointed to the front page. “The war is here.” His voice was gruff.
She winced. “War? Not in Latvia.”
“The Germans are at our border.” He frowned and shook his head. “I don’t want to live through another war. The Great War was bad enough. But still, I can't see how we’ll avoid being entangled in this one as well.”
Sonia hugged her music. The Germans would never attack Latvia and fight the Red Army, would they? Latvia wasn’t a small country anymore; it was part of the Soviet Union for a year now.

[AMShaw]

This is a great opening. My only suggestion is perhaps state the date on the newspaper that Papa has so the reader knows the time frame.