Query critique 10/12/23

[Nathan Bransford]

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

According to your website, you are interested in novels dealing with women’s fiction. At approximately 116 000 words, my novel, Back to Square One has a dash of magical realism and overtones of alternate history. Back to Square One is similar to My Name is Memory by Ann Brashares and Kate Atkinson’s Life After Life.

Jude Hutton must negotiate her way through life with an extraordinary difference. She knows what’s ahead for the planet, as she’s lived through it. She struggles to convince those closest to her she is reliving a remembered life and strives to find clues to why this has happened to her.

Seeking to alter catastrophic events she remembers from her first life, she worries changes she makes may adversely affect how the world unfolds. While foreknowledge has some advantages, there are many pitfalls in such a situation. Her unique circumstances stand in the way of a normal life and create difficulties with her partners. The subplot of the story revolves around her family situation and difficulties, including her husband’s affair and her mother-in-law’s dislike.

Her attempts to prevent disasters bring her letters to the attention of the FBI, who assume she must be involved to have such detailed information about the events mentioned in her warnings.

Others Rememberers experiencing the same phenomenon eventually make contact with Jude. Their search for more of their kind needs to be discreet, as it appears one, such as they, has a very different agenda concerning how world events should play out. Together this small band of misfits attempt the daunting task of staying under the radar while endeavouring to avert a looming nuclear war.

I took a creative writing course at the University of Winnipeg and received an A- for my efforts. My professor, Margaret Sweatman, a published author most recently of The Gunsmith’s Daughter, encouraged me to join a writing group when I moved to Ottawa. I did and began writing this novel. I won an honourable mention in an Ottawa Citizen short story contest.

Thank you very much for your time.
Kate

[Berk]

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

According to your website, you are interested in novels dealing with women’s fiction. Dealing with women's fiction? This is very clunky. Why not cut to the chase. Since you represent women's fiction, I thought you might be interested in my novel. At approximately 116 000 words, my novel, Back to Square One has a dash of magical realism and overtones of alternate history. Back to Square One is similar to My Name is Memory by Ann Brashares and Kate Atkinson’s Life After Life. I would personally get to the hook before providing these descriptors and making these comparisons.

Jude Hutton must negotiate her way through life with an extraordinary difference. I don't understand this line at all.She knows what’s ahead for the planet, as she’s lived through it. How do you live through a planet?She struggles to convince those closest to her she is reliving a remembered life and strives to find clues to why this has happened to her.

Seeking to alter catastrophic events she remembers from her first life, she worries changes she makes may adversely affect how the world unfolds. While foreknowledge has some advantages, there are many pitfalls in such a situation. Her unique circumstances stand in the way of a normal life and create difficulties with her partners. The subplot of the story revolves around her family situation and difficulties, including her husband’s affair and her mother-in-law’s dislike.This is all way too vague, in my opinion.

Her attempts to prevent disasters bring her letters to the attention of the FBI, who assume she must be involved to have such detailed information about the events mentioned in her warnings.This is interesting but still very vague.

Others Rememberers ?experiencing the same phenomenon eventually make contact with Jude. Their search for more of their kind needs to be discreet, as it appears one, such as they, has a very different agenda concerning how world events should play out. Sentence is very clunky.Together this small band of misfits attempt the daunting task of staying under the radar while endeavouring to avert a looming nuclear war.

I took a creative writing course at the University of Winnipeg and received an A- for my efforts. My professor, Margaret Sweatman, a published author most recently of The Gunsmith’s Daughter, encouraged me to join a writing group when I moved to Ottawa. I did and began writing this novel.Delete all this. Irrelevant. I won an honourable mention in an Ottawa Citizen short story contest.You might keep this and name the story.

Thank you very much for your time.
Kate

I hope I wasn't too harsh but I think this needs a complete rewrite. Be specific as to what the hook is and what are the stakes, etc.