Query critique 8/17/23

[Nathan Bransford]

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

Dear Agent,

Because you love genre-bending tales and contemporary works with big hooks, I think you’ll enjoy my YA Action/Adventure novel INTO THE FIRE, complete at 93k words. Set in the modern world without the element of fantasy, it features a strong female protagonist hellbent on uncovering the truth behind her mom’s death as in Tracy Deonn’s Legendborn. Fans of the blend of action and romance in Sabaa Tahir’s An Ember in the Ashes will enjoy the similar vibe in this story, which is a dual POV standalone with series potential.

Eighteen-year-old Melanie Snow has finally received police reports from the night her parents died. Their employer, a government-contracted weapons manufacturer called Levett Technologies, swears the deaths were a tragic workplace accident, but Mel finds details in the reports that don’t make sense. The authorities refuse to entertain her suspicion, and her Aunt thinks she just needs someone to blame.

Determined to untangle what happened, Mel assumes a false identity and takes a job at Levett Tech. Her covert mission is derailed when mysterious and oh-so-attractive stranger Tommy shows up at her door after her first day of work with an ominous warning: They know who you are. Run.

Mel refuses, and Tommy admits he belongs to an underground Resistance dedicated to protecting others from the malignant criminal organization that lurks behind Levett’s patriotic image. Instead of taking Tommy’s advice, Mel sacrifices her freedom to search for the truth from within the Resistance. But to get information, she must earn the group’s trust, which isn’t easy with a key member fixated on proving she’s a spy.

When Mel’s amateur snooping lands her on trial with the Resistance, she uncovers Levett’s imminent plan to overthrow the government and plunge the nation into chaos by releasing a deadly pathogen into several major cities. The Resistance will not launch a suicide mission to prevent the attack. Mel must forfeit her life to stop Levett Tech and avenge her parents on her own or stay safe while innocent blood is spilled.

I grew up exploring the beautiful forests of New Hampshire, where I live, work, and play with my husband, two boys, and the world’s sweetest pup. When I’m not wrangling the kids or enjoying the outdoors, I’m hard at work on my next manuscript. My previous agent and I parted ways amicably. I’m happy to answer any questions you might have regarding my prior representation.

Thank you for your time and effort,
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