Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Gwendolyn Rose is a girl who has always known what she wants from life. Headstrong and focused, her goals since freshman year of high school have been to get good grades and collect accolades. Once she graduates, she will move on to an ivy league college to ensure she lands a successful job.
Everything changes when she stumbles upon a murdered girl in her backyard. Not long after, more dead bodies appear in town. They are all alike in that they are mutilated, found in the woods behind Gwen's house, and look eerily similar to her.
Her life is further complicated when Bodhi, a handsome and mysterious stranger, arrives in town. Almost instantly, he makes her feel things she’s never before felt. Add in her best friend, Talon, confessing that he is secretly in love with her, and she is set on a path of total derailment.
When Gwen gets attacked by a horrific creature called a soul wraith, Talon and Bodhi have no choice but to tell her the truth. They are Celestials, immortals from another dimension called the Celestial Plane. Gwen learns that she, too, is unique. Though she is not immortal, she has been reincarnated many times. Both boys have remained by her side for centuries fighting for her affection and guarding her. Soren, an evil ruler from the Celestial Plane, is desperate to claim her soul.
Her only option is to set out on a journey for answers to the Celestial Plane. She is filled with an unwavering need to discover why she is continuously reincarnated and why Soren keeps sending the wraiths to collect her soul.
Gwen ascertains many things about herself along her newly laid path. First, she is only as strong or weak as she perceives herself. Second, it was entirely possible to be unapologetically in love with two people simultaneously. Lastly, she is capable of profound love, which in turn makes her capable of exceptional hate.

Celestials is my first novel. It is a young adult fantasy novel about a girl named Gwendolyn Rose and her journey to discover who she truly is. The manuscript is complete at approximately 90,000 words.
I know how valuable your time is, and appreciate your consideration. I would happily send the first chapter or complete manuscript for your review. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Kind Regards,

I'll frame my response in pointers so that it is easy to follow:

1. The pitch is too much. I suggest you limit it at: Character + Conflict + Obstacle (in quest) + Or else
For eg. Gwendolyn Rose is looking forward to going to an Ivy and landing a successful job but her plans are laid to dust when she stumbles upon mutilated corpses in her backyard/near her house/in the woods near her house. She discovers that she has been reborn several times and is protected by immortal beings from the Celestial plane. Gwendolyn crosses over to the Celestial plane in search of answers about herself. (It doesn't have to be exactly this, but I hope you get an idea.)

2. Get rid of all the other names. Focus on your central character.

3. Remove, "Celestials is my first novel. It is a young adult fantasy novel about a girl named Gwendolyn Rose and her journey to discover who she truly is." This is not required and frankly redundant.

4. Usually, along with the query, the agent also asks for some sample pages. Hence, "I would happily send the first chapter or complete manuscript for your review", is not required.

I think this is a very well written query. I do think that the last paragraph ("Celestials is my first novel...) is a bit clunky including the - "how valuable your time iss..."

I think you could also end at "why Soren keeps sending the wraiths to collect her soul." The sentence on Gwen ascertaining many things about herself is definitely not required.

Lastly - I would have definitely read this book at 15.