Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

Dear [agent’s name]:

Charley Byrne isn’t really living. In my contemporary novel BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE THINGS, the bookstore manager fears something tragic will occur in this, her twenty-ninth year, because she lost her grandparents seven years before and her parents seven years before that. So she hunkers down in her apartment above the bookstore in the fictional city of Wrighton, regulating her emotions with strict routines and self-harm rituals.

Charley lets herself be lured out of this self-imposed social exile by the prospect of friendship and romance with haiku-spouting activist Xander Wallace. She joins Xander’s circle of five diverse friends and thrives—even leaving her comfort zone to join her friends at various protests in the city.

But the new friendships bring betrayal. One friend arranges for the real estate development company she works for to purchase and raze Charley’s haven—the building that houses the bookstore and apartment. The deal was put in motion before the two women met, but the friend does nothing to stop the deal’s progress, even after learning the job pulled Charley out of an earlier depression-like funk.

Then, Xander turns violent at a Black Lives Matter protest, bashing a police cruiser with a baseball bat and horrifying the pacifist Charley. The back-to-back incidents propel an already unstable Charley into a true depression. It’s up to her friends to save the bookstore—and Charley. In the process, their long-held views on social justice issues are challenged, and each finds their own path to activism.

As in Nine Perfect Strangers, the individuals in the ensemble cast bring their own concerns and fears to their burgeoning relationships. The strong bonds they build based on their common age and experiences are more akin to the foursome in A Little Life.

One goal of BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE THINGS is to show the “real people” behind the statistics on today’s social justice issues. My daughter suffers from mental health issues, so I feel a personal connection to that subject matter. Numerous sensitivity readers and diversity consultants provided perspective and guidance on other aspects of the book.

A synopsis, sample chapters and the completed, 109,000-word manuscript are available upon request.

My last novel, Horseshoes and Hand Grenades, was published by TouchPoint Press in 2019 and I have a short story appearing in the next issue of Smoky Quartz. I am a career business writer who began writing fiction 13 years ago, honing my craft through writers’ groups, workshops and seminars. My articles have appeared in publications including The Boston Globe and Guitar & Bass magazine.

[personalize for the agent if appropriate]

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Susan Boucher (she/her)
(writing as S.M. Stevens)

Dear [agent’s name]:

Charley Byrne isn’t really living. In my contemporary novel BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE THINGS,(I would put this at the end when you're describing word length and whatnot.) the bookstore manager fears something tragic will occur in this, her twenty-ninth year, because she lost her grandparents seven years before and her parents seven years before that. (That's a lot of info dumping.)So she hunkers down in her apartment above the bookstore in the fictional city of Wrighton, regulating her emotions with strict routines and self-harm rituals. (Going off from later in the query, this seems to be real depression, not a depression like funk?)

Charley lets herself be lured out of this self-imposed social exile by the prospect of friendship and romance with haiku-spouting activist Xander Wallace. (How did she meet all these people if she never leaves her apartment?)She joins Xander’s circle of five diverse friends and thrives—even leaving her comfort zone to join her friends at various protests in the city.

But the new friendships bring betrayal. One friend arranges for the real estate development company she works for to purchase and raze Charley’s haven—the building that houses the bookstore and apartment. (How does that even happen without her knowing, and where does she go after this? Isn't she now homeless?)The deal was put in motion before the two women met, but the friend does nothing to stop the deal’s progress, even after learning the job pulled Charley out of an earlier depression-like funk.

Then, Xander turns violent at a Black Lives Matter protest, bashing a police cruiser with a baseball bat and horrifying the pacifist Charley. The back-to-back incidents propel an already unstable Charley into a true depression.(It kind of sounds like she was already in a true depression well before this) It’s up to her friends to save the bookstore—and Charley.(Even the friend who caused it all and refused to change anything? Does that friend have a change of heart or are they just not involved anymore?) In the process, their long-held views on social justice issues are challenged, and each finds their own path to activism.(Is the book about Charlie and her depression and saving the bookstore or is it about finding their own path to activism?)

As in Nine Perfect Strangers, the individuals in the ensemble cast bring their own concerns and fears to their burgeoning relationships(That's what every relationship does so I'd call this vague, I think.). The strong bonds they build based on their common age and experiences are more akin to the foursome in A Little Life.

One goal of BEAUTIFUL AND TERRIBLE THINGS is to show the “real people” (Why is this in quotes?)behind the statistics on today’s social justice issues. My daughter suffers from mental health issues, so I feel a personal connection to that subject matter. Numerous sensitivity readers and diversity consultants provided perspective and guidance on other aspects of the book.(Saying "other" aspect makes it sounds like aspects other than that's been stated in the query, ie. mental health issues, activism, relationships, etc. etc. so it makes me wonder what they were offering guidance and perspective on and why THOSE things aren't mentioned in the query.)

A synopsis, sample chapters and the completed, 109,000(That's really long. Also, going from what your query says, I don't see where 109k words is coming from which makes me think it might be bloated/in need of heavy editing. I'm not saying it IS bloated, but just that I don't see it taking 109k words to cover what you say happens in the story)-word manuscript are available upon request.

My last novel, Horseshoes and Hand Grenades, was published by TouchPoint Press in 2019 and I have a short story appearing in the next issue of Smoky Quartz. I am a career business writer who began writing fiction 13 years ago, honing my craft through writers’ groups, workshops and seminars. My articles have appeared in publications including The Boston Globe and Guitar & Bass magazine.

[personalize for the agent if appropriate]

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Susan Boucher (she/her)
(writing as S.M. Stevens)


- I would perhaps add more detail to the query as, right now, it basically reads as Charley is depressed, and then gets more depressed and then gets MORE depressed. What do the friends actually do to help? How is the bookstore saved? What, if anything happens to the friend who betrayed Charley, or to Xander after he gets violent at the protest? It feels almost like the plot was happening between what you were actually saying, but that's just my opinion, of course!

Edit: I'm back cause I figured out what was bothering me! Charley is the main character, but you don't have her actually DOING anything. She gets lured out, someone betrays her, she witness violence - all these are things being done TO her or acted UPON her, but she never actually does anything herself, in spite of being the MC. What's her agency in the story? WHat does she do that propels the story along to each point? Is she just a passive observer because, if so, it may be that someone else should be the MC instead of her.

I came back because I solved my problem! The story's protagonist, Charley, isn't seen to be actively engaged in any of the action. She is the main character, yet throughout the story everything that happens to her (being led out, betrayed, seeing violence) is caused by events beyond of phrazleher control. Where does she get to exercise choice in this scenario? How does she move the plot along at each juncture? If she's merely observing, maybe someone else in the story might make a better main character.