Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

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Title: All the King's Names
Genre: YA fantasy

250 words:

Chapter 1: The Idea

“Wait!”

The cry echoed down the narrow, dusty road, barely reaching the town walls. The gatekeeper, who had been winching the gates closed for the night, looked surprised and turned to Seeker for instructions. Seeker squinted into the evening gloom past the gates. When he saw who it was, his heart sank. “Hold the gates for them.”

The small town was quieting down at this time of day. A lonely song rose from the streets of the civilian section. The barracks were already silent. The loudest sound was the crash of ocean waves against the piers. Shadows covered the streets, and only the tallest roofs were still illuminated in yellow light.

As the band of travelers grew nearer, the old gatekeeper’s eyes widened. She shook her head. Seeker counted them, then counted again. He sucked in a breath through his teeth.

“Hey, are you ever gonna be done? Want a hand with the gates?” Brogan, Seeker’s second in command, had come up behind them. “I was thinking-” Then he saw the party and stopped.

The lead rider burst through the gates, charging straight past the small group by the gatehouse. Their horses' hoof beats changed from nearly muted on the dirt track to loud clangs on the cobblestones the instant they crossed into the town. Seeker winced. “Please slow down,” he hissed to the other riders, but they didn’t hear. They galloped into the town with all the subtlety of a pair of mating wyverns.

This was really well written and I like the worldbuilding and the voice. My only two critiques would be, first, that it takes a LONG time to get to the point. If I were to summarize the chapter it'd be that the gatekeeper is surprised, then Seeker is worried, then the gatekeeper is worried, then Seeker is worried again, then the second in command is surprised - we get it, whoever is coming is shocking in some form or fashion. It feels like maybe you were trying to build suspense, which is fine, but there's a balance between natural suspense and forced suspense. Natural suspense leaves readers wanting more. Forced suspense leaves them irritated and skipping through the passage. I felt myself starting to get a little annoyed as the passage dragged on without ever getting to the point. So, making my own long story just a teensy bit shorter, I'd suggest trimming/editing it to get to the point of the passage faster.

The second thing was, again to me, it felt more like a lot of telling rather than showing. I don't have the rest of the story so perhaps it's addressed more there but, just on the surface of what's been given, we're basically just being told that these events are shocking or surprising in some way. Why are they shocking? We don't see any of these people and all they did was yell out for the gates to stay open. We have no description of the riders or who they are or what they want or why they're there. We're just told that other people (who we also don't know) are surprised/shocked or worried without any explanation. Again, I don't know what the rest of the story is so perhaps it's addressed in the preceding and following paragraphs but that's my opinion!

Also, as a last little thing that's just me and my opinion - I'd probably personally put the worldbuilding at the beginning of the passage.

So, example -

"The small town was quieting down at this time of day. A lonely song rose from the streets of the civilian section. The barracks were already silent. The loudest sound was the crash of ocean waves against the piers. Shadows covered the streets, and only the tallest roofs were still illuminated in yellow light.

“Wait!”

The cry echoed down the narrow, dusty road, barely reaching the town walls. The gatekeeper, who had been winching the gates closed for the night, looked surprised and turned to Seeker for instructions. Seeker squinted into the evening gloom past the gates. When he saw who it was, his heart sank. “Hold the gates for them.”

See how it kind of feels more natural, and more of a set up for the rest of the passage? You're worldbuilding, and establishing that it's quiet and night and things are settling down and suddenly all that is broken by the sound of approaching riders. The way you currently have it written it's a bit shoved in there - like you've got these riders thundering toward the gate and all and then it's like "Oh, hold on while we worldbuild a minute" and then you get back to the story. But if you put it first, it flows naturally and doesn't feel like it's pulling you out of the story, shifting your attention away, and then plopping you back in. That's just my opinion though, it's your story of course!

So, yeah, really well written. You've definitely got a lot of talent and I definitely felt the world and the characters as if they were real people so way to go on that. I'd just maybe get to the point a little faster and maybe show us why we should be shocked/concerned/worried/etc. instead of telling us. That's my two cents! Nathan may disagree entirely, at which point I shall drown my sorrows in my everpresent emotional support Dr. Pepper.