Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Want to see how your editing approach compares to mine?

Below is the query up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

Dear Agent,
As I mentioned on Twitter, I’d been planning to sign up to meet you at the Atlanta Writers Conference in May, but hearing that you’re currently open to submissions made me decide not to wait. It’s your interest in fiction that blends storylines that piqued my interest in you. My novel, PANDORA’S PORTRAIT, does just that, reimaging the ancient myth in a modern context.

In PANDORA'S PORTRAIT, artistic savant Paisley Locke jumps at the chance to become curator for troubled painter Cary Taylor in his ancestral Savannah home. Paisley persuades Cary to participate in the local City Gallery show, and he paints a portrait of her as Pandora, the woman who unleashed evil on the world. Paisley’s outraged to be depicted as such a reviled figure. But she recognizes in herself a willful innocence that leads to devastating consequences, a quality she shares with her mythic sister.

As Paisley grows secure in her power, she urges Cary to exceed his limits, unaware that she's asking more of the fragile artist than he can give. Cary’s final paintings release him from the bonds of his abusive past while catapulting Paisley into success, a gift that secures her future but shatters her innocence.

PANDORA'S PORTRAIT was born of my southern roots, MFA in poetry, BA in art history, and years of experience working with artists in galleries and studios. My novel combines southern fiction’s emphasis on quirky characters and lyrical language with a modern-day re-imagining of the Greek myth—think The Blue Bath meets an accessible Circe.

Attached please find the full synopsis and the first fifty pages as requested. The rest of my 85,000-word novel is ready to go, and I would be very pleased to send you the complete draft.

Sincerely...

Okay, as said by Nathan, I shall try my hand at this!

Dear Agent,
As I mentioned on Twitter, I’d been planning to sign up to meet you at the Atlanta Writers Conference in May, but hearing that you’re currently open to submissions made me decide not to wait. (Uneccessary, the agent isn't going to care about what you planned to do, only what you did do. Space in a query letter is precious, and you could use this space to talk more about your book)It’s your interest in fiction that blends storylines that piqued my interest in you. My novel, PANDORA’S PORTRAIT, does just that, reimaging the ancient myth in a modern context.(Reimagining a storyline is not the same as blending storylines, or at least I don't believe it is!)

In PANDORA'S PORTRAIT, artistic savant(what does that mean?) Paisley Locke jumps at the chance to become curator (Vague) for troubled painter Cary Taylor in his ancestral Savannah home. Paisley persuades Cary to participate in the local City Gallery show, and he paints a portrait of her as Pandora, the woman who unleashed evil on the world.(How did she not know how he was painting her?) Paisley’s outraged to be depicted as such a reviled figure. But she recognizes in herself a willful innocence(vague, what does that mean?) that leads to devastating consequences, (what consequences?)a quality she shares with her mythic sister.

As Paisley grows secure in her power,(She has power now? What power? Where did it come from?) she urges Cary to exceed his limits,(vague) unaware that she's asking more of the fragile artist than he can give. Cary’s final paintings release him from the bonds of his abusive past while catapulting Paisley into success, a gift that secures her future but shatters her innocence.(Vague. How? Why?)

PANDORA'S PORTRAIT was born of my southern roots, MFA in poetry, BA in art history, and years of experience working with artists in galleries and studios. My novel combines southern fiction’s emphasis on quirky characters and lyrical language with a modern-day re-imagining of the Greek myth—think The Blue Bath meets an accessible Circe.

Attached please find the full synopsis and the first fifty pages as requested. The rest of my 85,000-word novel is ready to go, and I would be very pleased to send you the complete draft.

Sincerely...


After reading this, I have no idea what the plot is. I don't see the myth of Pandora outside of her being depicted in a painting as Pandora. What happens that makes the story a retelling of Pandora's Box? You allude to it a bit, but it's too vague to actually see it in the query. The query also jumps about, going from her convincing an artist to show a painting in a gallery, to her suddenly having powers, and then to abusive pasts without any connective tissue between the various ideas. The query is very well written and the idea of re-imagining Pandora's Box is cool but, after reading it, I don't know what the story actually is. I would recommend cutting out most, if not all, of the first paragraph and using the extra space to fill in the blanks in the story and flesh it out.