Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Okay, been a while since I've been here due to discouragement with life and my own writing efforts, but I'm rallying my time and resources to have another go at querying. I would appreciate any feedback you can offer. I'll make the rounds to see if I can offer my two pence for others in return (though this subfolder seems rather dead). Thank you.

Dear XXX XXXX,

I am writing to seek representation for my first novel, Born to Battle, a fantasy of 157,000 words best characterized as a cross between Dragonlance and Redwall. I chose you because XYZ

Not even fate can protect you from your pride.

My hero is Markus, a fox-like Kitsune in a world threatened by the rise of humanity. Born sickly, and raised in a warrior heritage going back millennia, destiny singles him out for greatness. Interpreting this to mean he must prepare his people for the coming war, he leaves his family and betrothed to travel to a human world in order to understand them. There he winds up trapped for more than half a century, helping his ancestral enemies forge a nation of their own, only to be betrayed at the end. By the time he returns home, he discovers a century has passed and humanity is the least of his worries. For Markus, even the future of two races pale beside matters of the heart, and forging a kingdom in blood and steel, less dangerous

Welcome to a world of the Multiverse, where the veils that separate the universes hang thin, allowing passage through the fabric of space and time. Where Kitsune wield powerful magic and a culture older than humanity. Where creatures of myth and legend appear and vanish without a trace. Where a feral mankind, their ancient enemy, pose a growing threat to their non-human neighbors.

I am a proud Michigander and forty-something lifelong fantasy nerd venturing out from the comfort of reading into creating stories of my own. Born to Battle is the first offerings of several novels I have written in this same world, all interwoven to create a greater storyline, with more stories to follow. In the fantasy world of overdone tropes, I believe the Kitsune’s time has come.
I enclose my XYZ. I look forward to hearing from you.

Just an opinion:
Start at the tag-line. I like the tag, it is catchy and makes me want to find out more "Not even fate..." Then launch into Markus ( maybe use a more literary term than fox-like).
Crystalize your book query into salient points: Give me a hint of who Markus is in one or two sentences. then give the reader the stakes. What must Markus do, what is he up against? Give enough so that the reader will want to know more but not enough to give it all away. Remember a query is there to capture attention not to explain the whole manuscript. Hope this helps. bernhard

Thank you Bernhard. I made some changes, both from what you said and some other feedback. Swapped some sections too, which might go in opposition to your specific feedback, but curious since others suggested it.

Dear XXX XXXX,

I am writing to seek representation for my first novel, Born to Battle, a fantasy of 157,000 words best characterized as a cross between Dragonlance and Redwall. I chose you because XYZ

Not even fate can protect you from pride.

Welcome to a world where the veils that separate the universes hang thin, allowing passage through the fabric of space and time. Where creatures of myth and legend appear and vanish without a trace. Where vulpine Kitsune older than mankind wield powerful magic. Where a feral mankind poses a growing threat to their non-human neighbors.

Markus is a Kitsune in a world threatened by the rise of humanity. Born a sickly child and raised in a warrior heritage, destiny selects him for greatness. Infiltrating a human world so he might understand their weaknesses, he winds up trapped, forced to help his ancestral enemies forge a nation of their own. By the time he returns home, broken and wounded in both body and spirit, he discovers a century has passed, and even the pending war between two races pales in comparison to matters of the heart, for he himself has become the greatest threat to those he loves most.

I am a proud Michigander and forty-something lifelong fantasy nerd venturing out from the comfort of reading into creating stories of my own. Born to Battle is my first offering laid on the altar of publication. In the fantasy world of overdone tropes, I believe the Kitsune’s time has come.

I enclose my XYZ. I look forward to hearing from you.