Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Below is the page up for critique on the blog on Thursday. Feel free to chime in with comments, create your own redline (please note the "font colour" button above the posting box, which looks like a drop of ink), and otherwise offer feedback. When offering your feedback, please please remember to be polite and constructive. In order to leave a comment you will need to register an account in the Forums, which should be self-explanatory.

I'll be back later with my own post on the blog and we'll literally be able to compare notes.

If you'd like to enter a page for a future Page Critique, please do so here.

Title: Lake One
Genre: Historical Paranormal

Chapter 1
Monday, May 28th 1923

A mourning dove cooed into the still morning air and dew glistened upon the cemetery lawn. Jennie added a bouquet of iris and sweet rocket, freshly cut from Mom's garden, to the corpses of flowers blanketing Clara Ann’s grave. Millie wept softly behind her for her murdered friend and troupe partner.

“I know you’d gotten yourself into trouble up in G.R., but I never thought it would come to this. You didn’t deserve to die,” Millie spoke to Clara. She breathed in a deep sigh. “I should have defied Momma and let you live with me when you begged for a place to stay. If I’d implored her long enough, she would have given in. But she didn’t like that you dropped out of high school our senior year. She said only flappers and hussies did that. Living in the opera house wasn’t ideal, but it was a roof. I should have sneaked her in, Jennie. Maybe she’d still be alive.”

Jennie wrapped her arms around her best friend, “Don’t beat yourself up. You didn’t know this would happen. No one knew what she’d really gotten into, only that she was afraid. And the investigation isn’t over, yet. We don’t know if this had anything to do with any kind of trouble in G.R. or not. The police will get us answers.”

My first reaction is that this first page introduces us to several characters, living and dead, by means of several info dumps and “As you know Bobs”. Both are widely considered taboo. My contrarian streak urges me to see the value of such transgressions, and both can indeed save time and space, particularly on a first page, but at the risk of confusing and even repelling some readers. Do Jennie and Millie typically have conversations like this? Does anyone? Perhaps the answer is yes, though it seems unlikely.
We don't need to know everything on page one. Like where “G. R.” is. (Grand Rapids?) And, in fairness, we do get a cemetary setting and two living characters. I would be curious to read on.