Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

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brownwr
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Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » March 26th, 2021, 3:13 pm

Hello Everyone,

I am new to the forum, and this is my first query letter. I am hoping for a little critiquing and feedback.
Thank you in advance!

Kolin Grey and his twin sister Kaira find themselves hurled into a world their parents left behind. When a former Professor enters their store, turning their world upside down. Left with no options, their parents return to the life they left behind, leading to their deaths at the hands of the Order of Night. A group that practices dark wizardry.

Trying their best to adapt, Kolin and Kaira now live with their Grandmother Eleanor Grey, a virtual stranger near the town of Greymorr. A place that chooses not to adopt modern ways. Greymorr and the villages around it would be as if one traveled back to the early nineteen hundreds.

Kolin and Kaira never fit in at their school in the city. For some reason, making friends was not easy, and unable to relate to their classmates. They now attend the same academy as their parents did. An academy that teaches more than your basic subjects, unless you count wand-making basic. They make two new friends, which they can relate to in Avery Stansberry and Walter Thornton.

Kolin and Kaira cannot sit idly by and start unraveling the trail that leads to their parent's actual killers with help from their friends. Bit by bit Kolin and Kaira learn more about their parent's magical past and why they kept it a secret.

Kolin Grey and the Misty Moors Academy is complete at 78,000 words of Middle-grade fiction and available at your request. It would appeal to fans of Harry Potter.

brownwr
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » March 30th, 2021, 3:27 pm

Please, rip this query to shreds because I want it to be good.

brownwr
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » April 1st, 2021, 10:56 am

Take Two

Kolin Grey and his twin sister Kaira find themselves hurled into a world their parents left behind. Magic is dangerous in the wrong hands and all their parents wanted was to keep them safe. When their parent's former Professor enters their store, turning their world upside down by telling them their family's fate and countless others are at stake. Left with no options, their parents return to their former life, leading to their deaths at the hands of the Order of Night. A group that practices dark wizardry.

Trying their best to adapt, Kolin and Kaira now live with their Grandmother Eleanor Grey, a virtual stranger near the town of Greymorr. A place that chooses not to adopt modern ways. Greymorr and the villages around it would be as if one traveled back to the early nineteen hundreds.

Kolin and Kaira never fit in at their school in the city. Kolin's adventuresome nature led to trouble, and Kaira was too busy daydreaming. For some reason, making friends was not easy, and unable to relate to their classmates. They now attend the same academy as their parents did. An academy that teaches more than your basic subjects, unless you count wand-making basic. They make two new friends in Avery Stansberry and Walter Thornton.

Kolin and Kaira cannot sit idly by and start unraveling the trail that leads to their parent's killers with help from their friends. Bit by bit Kolin and Kaira learn more about their parent's magical past and why they kept it a secret.

brownwr
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » April 1st, 2021, 11:03 am

I used this to answer some questions. It is every helpful.
https://nathanbransford.com/blog/2020/1 ... y-critique

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nlshippen
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by nlshippen » April 24th, 2021, 4:46 pm

This is a compelling story with two orphaned misfits on a quest to find out who killed their parents. I would suggest putting the genre and wordcount at the top so that agents know from the start what they are reading. Also, include comps at some stage. Some agents like comps at the top and some agents like them at the bottom. I would suggest more comps in addition to Harry Potter, as you did in the first query. Maybe a couple of recent ones. I was confused about when and where the novel was set but the characters and the plot were very engaging. Good job!

brownwr
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » April 27th, 2021, 8:45 am

Thank you so much nlshippen! It is great to see the words compelling and engaging. I will work on take 3.
Thanks Again!

brownwr
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » April 28th, 2021, 11:52 am

Take Three
Added genre and word count to the top, add when and where the novel was set and added more comps.


I'm currently seeking representation for my Middle-grade fiction novel Kolin Grey and the Misty Moors Academy. The work is complete at 78,000 words and available at your request.

Kolin Grey and his twin sister Kaira find themselves hurled into a world their parents left behind because magic is dangerous in the wrong hands. When their parent's former Professor enters their store in London. Turning their world upside down by telling them their family's fate and countless others are at stake. Left with no options, their parents return to their former life, leading to their deaths at the hands of the Order of Night. A group that practices dark wizardry.

Trying their best to adapt, Kolin and Kaira now live with their Grandmother Eleanor Grey, a virtual stranger near the town of Greymorr. A place that chooses not to adopt modern ways. Greymorr and the villages around it would be as if one traveled back to the early eighteen hundreds for they did not need such twenty-first-century items.

Kolin and Kaira never fit in at their school in the city. Kolin's adventuresome nature led to trouble, and Kaira was too busy daydreaming. For some reason, making friends was not easy, and unable to relate to their classmates. They now attend the same academy as their parents did. An academy that teaches more than your basic subjects, unless you count wand-making basic. They make two new friends, which they can relate to in Avery Stansberry and Walter Thornton.

Kolin and Kaira cannot sit idly by and start unraveling the trail that leads to their parent's actual killers with help from their friends. Bit by bit Kolin and Kaira learn more about their parent's magical past and why they kept it a secret.

I have two middle-grade children reader that inspired me to write my first novel.

Kolin Grey and the Misty Moors Academy will appeal to readers who enjoyed Harry Potter by J.K Rowling, The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel Series by Michael Scott, and Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

jjones
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by jjones » May 5th, 2021, 6:34 pm

I would have been all over this story at the middle grade level, sounds so fun! I noticed a couple of sentences that seem like they could be combined with a comma instead of a period. For example, "A place that chooses not to adopt to modern ways" doesn't have a clear subject, but if you put a comma instead of a period between it and the previous sentence, it sounds a little cleaner. Same thing with the sentence "When their parent's former Professor enters their store in London." I believe this is a dependent clause since it's not quite a complete thought on its own. Hope that helps in some way. Good luck! Sounds like a great story.

Zarate1138
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by Zarate1138 » May 5th, 2021, 9:54 pm

Hello brownwr. I've written a critique of your query below. I hope I don't come across as too harsh.

First off, the overall structure of your query is a little confusing. There's quite a bit going on in your first paragraph, which makes it somewhat hard to follow. Is this a story about Kolin and Kaira? Or about their parents? Moreover, I'm seeing a lot of backstory rather than plot.

I'm not sure what the inciting incident in your story is. In other words, what event sets this whole story on its way? Is it the death of Kolin and Kaira's? Or the sudden appearance of their former professor?

And I don't really see what's at stake for Kolin and Kaira. What will happen if.... What will happen if they don't follow the trail leading to their parents' killers? What will happen if don't learn more about their parents' magical past?

Check out this simple outline for query letters from Mary Kole. It's worth reading and revising your query using the format she suggests on the first page.

https://kidlit.com/wp-content/uploads/2 ... Format.pdf

And a word about your comp titles. The ones you've given here are not recent enough. Agents look for titles that have come out in the last two or three years max. Comp titles don't just give agents an idea where your novel will sit on the shelf. It tells them you're an active reader in the genre and understand the marketplace.

I hope that helps! Looking forward to version 4!

brownwr
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » May 6th, 2021, 8:45 am

Thank you jjones!
I made the changes and it makes more since. That is why I need a second set of eyes because the tools I use will let it pass sometimes and I glaze right over it.
Thanks Again!
Last edited by brownwr on May 6th, 2021, 3:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.

brownwr
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » May 6th, 2021, 8:51 am

Take Four:

I'm currently seeking representation for my Middle-grade fiction novel Kolin Grey and the Misty Moors Academy. A work of Middle-grade fiction complete at 78,000 words and available at your request.

Kolin Grey and his twin sister Kaira find themselves hurled into a world their parents left behind because magic is dangerous in the wrong hands when their parent's former Professor enters their store in London. Turning their world upside down by telling them their family's fate and countless others are at stake. Left with no options, their parents return to their former life, leading to their deaths at the hands of the Order of Night. A group that practices dark wizardry.

Trying their best to adapt, Kolin and Kaira now live with their Grandmother Eleanor Grey, a virtual stranger near the town of Greymorr, a place that chooses not to adopt modern ways. Greymorr and the villages around it would be as if one traveled back to the early eighteen hundreds for they did not need such twenty-first-century items.

Kolin and Kaira never fit in at their school in the city. Kolin's adventuresome nature led to trouble, and Kaira was too busy daydreaming. For some reason, making friends was not easy, and unable to relate to their classmates. They now attend the same academy as their parents did. An academy that teaches more than your basic subjects, unless you count wand-making basic. They make two new friends, which they can relate to in Avery Stansberry and Walter Thornton.

Kolin and Kaira cannot sit idly by and start unraveling the trail that leads to their parent's actual killers with help from their friends. Bit by bit Kolin and Kaira learn more about their parent's magical past and why they kept it a secret.

I have two middle-grade children reader that inspired me to write my first novel.

Kolin Grey and the Misty Moors Academy will appeal to readers who enjoyed Harry Potter by J.K Rowling, The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel Series by Michael Scott, and Artemis Fowl by Eoin Colfer.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

brownwr
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » May 7th, 2021, 8:03 am

Hello Zarate1138,
Take four was based off jjones post. I will review your link and add Take 5. You did not come across to harsh.
Thank You for the feed back!

brownwr
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » May 7th, 2021, 5:00 pm

Take Five:

I'm currently seeking representation for my Middle-grade fiction novel Kolin Grey and the Misty Moors Academy. A work of Middle-grade fiction complete at 78,000 words and available at your request.

Kolin Grey and his twin sister Kaira find themselves hurled into a world their parents left behind because magic is dangerous in the wrong hands. John and Donna Grey did not want it in the hands of their children. The day before the twins’ twelfth birthday, the age magic manifests itself in their family lines. The family receives an unexpected visit from a former Professor and an old colleague of their parent’s in their store in London, turning their world upside down. Telling them their family’s fate and countless others are at stake. Left with no options, their parents return to their former life in the town of Greymorr. To deliver a book with runic writing sought after for centuries to one Sebastian York (a former member of the Order of Night), leading to their deaths at the hands of the Order of Night. A group that practices dark wizardry and will stop at nothing to retrieve the book, but the book is fake. The actual book ends up with Kolin and Kaira.


Trying their best to adapt, Kolin and Kaira now live with their Grandmother Eleanor Grey, a virtual stranger near the town of Greymorr, a place that chooses not to adopt modern ways. Greymorr and the surrounding towns would be as if one traveled back to the early eighteen hundreds for they did not need such twenty-first-century items.


Kolin and Kaira never fit in at their school in the city. Kolin’s adventuresome nature led to trouble, and Kaira was too busy daydreaming. For some reason, making friends was not easy, and unable to relate to their classmates. They now attend the same academy their parents taught at and attended. An academy that teaches more than your basic subjects, unless you count wand-making basic. They make two new friends, which they can relate to in Avery Stansberry and Walter Thornton.


Kolin and Kaira cannot sit idly by and start unraveling the trail that leads to the at-large killers of their parents and the reason for their deaths with help from their friends. Bit by bit Kolin and Kaira learn more about their parent’s magical past and why they kept it a secret.

I have two middle-grade children reader that inspired me to write my first novel.

Kolin Grey and the Misty Moors Academy will appeal to readers who enjoyed The Tyrant's Tomb By Rick Riordan, A Tale of Magic By Chris Colfer, and Lady Smoke By Laura Sebastian.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

brownwr
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » May 18th, 2021, 7:48 am

Take 6:

Dear Agent,

I'm currently seeking representation for my Middle-grade fiction novel Kolin and Kaira Grey and the Misty Moors Academy. A work of Middle-grade fiction complete at 78,000 words and available at your request.

Kolin Grey and his twin sister Kaira find themselves hurled into a world their parents left behind because magic is dangerous in the wrong hands. The family receives an unexpected visit from a former Professor and an old colleague of their parent's in their store in London, turning their world upside down. Telling them their family's fate and countless others are at stake. Left with no options, their parents return to the town of Greymorr to deliver a book with runic writing sought after for centuries leading to their deaths at the hands of the Order of Night. A group that practices dark wizardry and will stop at nothing to retrieve the book, but the book is fake. The actual book ends up with Kolin and Kaira.


Trying their best to adapt, Kolin and Kaira now live with their Grandmother Eleanor Grey, a virtual stranger near the town of Greymorr, a place that chooses not to adopt modern ways. Greymorr and the surrounding towns would be as if one traveled back to the early eighteen hundreds for they did not need such twenty-first-century items.


Kolin and Kaira never fit in at their school in the city. Kolin's adventuresome nature led to trouble, and Kaira was too busy daydreaming. For some reason, making friends was not easy, and unable to relate to their classmates. They now attend the same academy as their parents. An academy that teaches more than your basic subjects, unless you count wand-making basic. They make two new friends, which they can relate to in Avery Stansberry and Walter Thornton.


Kolin and Kaira cannot sit idly by and start unraveling the trail that leads to the at-large killers of their parents and the reason for their deaths with help from their friends. Bit by bit Kolin and Kaira learn more about their parent's past and the Order of Nights' quest to take over the magical world.

I have two middle-grade children reader that inspired me to write my first novel.

Kolin and Kaira Grey and the Misty Moors Academy will appeal to readers who enjoyed The Tyrant's Tomb By Rick Riordan, A Tale of Magic By Chris Colfer, and Lady Smoke By Laura Sebastian.

Thank you for your time and consideration.
Last edited by brownwr on May 18th, 2021, 7:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

brownwr
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Re: Query: Kolin Grey and The Misty Moors Academy

Post by brownwr » May 18th, 2021, 7:49 am

I am going to send this one out and see what happens.

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