Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi everyone!

When you finish commenting, could you let me know the title of your query so I can critique it too? It´s all about sharing the luff folks!

Now, this is the fourth improved version, so you dont need to look at the others, I´m leaving them below so I can track my queryvolution!

Cheers!
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*Fourth, and most recent version*

Jade Kadeem is an element tamer who witnesses normal humans brutally murder her father. In shock, she creates a monstrous hurricane that almost kills her: Not something every tamer can do, especially a child.

Six years later, the Oracle warns her that the hurricane will return, destroying Jade along with an entire nation. Determined to stop this dark vision, she embarks on a harsh training to control her Godlike powers.

During her journey, she meets Lian, a girl with same abilities and a similarly tragic past. Although it’s easy for her to control her powers, unlike Jade, Lian has a hard time doing so with her emotions.

Things take a turn for the worse when the mysterious Shadow Man creates an evil initiative that wants to sweep normal humans from the face of the earth.
Life is a chess game for him, and the girls are the perfect pawns as he uses their past to bring them to his side.

Unaware that the Shadow Man is the true murder of their loved ones, Jade and Lian will flirt with what’s morally wrong and face life threatening dangers as they choose to fight or to give in to their own shadows.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a finished 100.000 word YA Fantasy.

New Version:

Dear Mr. _________

In a world divided between element tamers and humans, Jade Kadeem witness the latter brutally murder her father. As a result, she instinctively creates a monstrous hurricane that almost kills her. Not something every tamer can do, especially a child.

Seven years later, the Oracle warns her that the hurricane will return, destroying Jade along with an entire nation. Determined to stop this dreadful prediction, she embarks on a harsh training to control not only her powers, but her crave for revenge.

During her journey, she meets Lian, a girl with same abilities and a similarly tragic past. Although Lian has perfect control over her powers, it’s harder when it comes to her emotions.

Things take a turn for the worse when the mysterious Shadow Man creates an evil initiative that wants to sweep humans from the face of the earth.
For him, life is a chess game and the girls are the perfect pawns.

As they flirt with what’s morally wrong, Jade and Lian face life threatening dangers. Ultimately, they must decide who they really are, and most importantly, who they want to be.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a finished 100.000 word YA Fantasy.

I am a published author by Megazine (The biggest Brazilian magazine aimed at the young adult market) and I am part of the Word Cloud Writing Community. I write on the blog http://www.pomadness.blogspot.com

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Second query

In a world where some people can control the four elements, Jade Kadeem witness normal humans brutally murder her father. As a result, she creates a monstrous hurricane; something not every tamer can do. Especially a child.

Seven years later, an Oracle predicts her Godlike powers will destroy her home, the Air Nation. Jade then embarks on a journey to save herself and everyone she loves.

As she moves further, she meets Lian, a girl with similar powers and tragic past. Although Lian has perfect control over her abilities, it’s harder when it comes to her emotions.

Things take a turn for the worse when the mysterious Shadow Man creates an evil initiative that wants to sweep normal humans from the face of the earth.
For him, life is a chess game and the girls are the perfect pawns.

In an epic battle, Jade and Lian will face many dangers and above all, try to overcome their wishes for revenge.

I am seeking representation for my 100.000 words manuscript aimed at the young adult - adult market. It is a fantasy story entitled “Jade´s Hurricane.” and it is part of a saga called Daiki, composed in four books.

I am a published author for Megazine (The biggest Brazilian magazine aimed at the young adult market).
I am part of the Word Cloud Writing Community and write on the blog http://www.pomadness.blogspot.com

I kindly ask you to notify me of your decision through email.
Sample chapters and full manuscript are available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.


First query

Dear Mr. _________

In a world where people can tame the four elements, Jade Kadeem creates a Titan sized hurricane after witnessing her father’s brutal death.
Not something every tamer can do. Especially a child.

Seven years later, she finds out her godlike powers will destroy her home, the Air Nation. Jade then starts a journey to save herself and everyone she loves.

As she moves further, she makes new friends like Lian, a girl who shares the same tragic past and mighty powers.
Unlike Jade, Lian has control over her abilities, though it’s harder when it comes to her emotions.

Things get really messy when a mysterious figure known as the Shadow Man, creates an evil initiative. His objective: Erase normal humans from the face of the earth.
For him, life is a chess game and everyone is his pawn, especially the girls, who believe their parents were murdered by normal humans.

In an epic battle, Jade and Lian will face many dangers and above all, try to overcome their darkest wishes for revenge.

I am seeking representation for my 100.000 words manuscript aimed at the young adult - adult market. It is a fantasy story entitled “Jade´s Hurricane.” and it is part of a saga called Daiki, composed in four books.

I am a published author for ezine (http://ezinearticles.com/) and Megazine (The biggest Brazilian magazine aimed at the young adult market).
I am part of the Word Cloud Writing Community and write on the blog http://www.pomadness.blogspot.com

I kindly ask you to notify me of your decision through email.
Sample chapters and full manuscript are available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Best Regards,
Clara W.

clara_w wrote:In a world where people can tame the four elements, Jade Kadeem creates a Titan sized hurricane after witnessing her father’s brutal death.
Not something every tamer can do. Especially a child.

Is this world an alternate earth or a new place you have created. I received most comments on my query about not naming the world in the query text, so that's what I will be adding into my next round. Also, Titan is hardly the adjective to describe a hurricane. I would choose something more geared toward how they are normally categorized.

clara_w wrote:Seven years later, she finds out her godlike powers will destroy her home, the Air Nation. Jade then starts a journey to save herself and everyone she loves.

Prophecy? Just insert a small tidbit on what draws out this journey.

clara_w wrote:As she moves further, she makes new friends like Lian, a girl who shares the same tragic past and mighty powers. Unlike Jade, Lian has control over her abilities, though it’s harder when it comes to her emotions.

Cut the end after "Lian has control of her abilities." That little tidbit is something left best for a synopsis. Replace the following line: "makes new friends like Lian" with "meets Lian." Then replace "same" with "similar."

clara_w wrote:Things get really messy when a mysterious figure known as the Shadow Man, creates an evil initiative. His objective: Erase normal humans from the face of the earth. For him, life is a chess game and everyone is his pawn, especially the girls, who believe their parents were murdered by normal humans.

"Messy" is a weak descriptor. Insert comma after "figure" to make the sentence flow properly. I would then either cut the sentence after telling his objective, because that is just extra fat. Although it seems like a huge vague conflict, you've already labeled this world as a place that has less non-humans than tamers. I would question why he wants to kill non-humans (or normal). If you can leave it as just this massive dangling conflict, it might work better for you. This also has the tendency to read as his POV rather than Jade's. It's a tough call. I would wait for some other reviews on this before moving on and making a decision.

Those are great advices sirfrodo!
Will chew the cud on the suggestions, thanks!

A solid idea, I think.

Quick question - are you familiar with Avatar: The Last Airbender? 'Air Nation' is part of the show's lexicon, and just so you're aware, I instantly connected your query with that show in my mind.

Actually yes (Avatar was released on the third year after I had finished the first drafts. Yes, I´ve been working on this book for a long time lol), but the book is written on contemporary days. Also, there are all normal nations as we know them (Germany, USA, Brasil...), plus the elemental nations which were created to try to stop the increasing violent acts between normal humans and tamers.

Also the struggles, goals and characters on this book are quite different from avatar.
So yes, they have the element nation coincidence, but thats as far as it goes. The mythologies and worlds are completely different then Avatar.

Thanks for stopping by! =D

Thanks for the advice aswiebe, will definetly cut the ezine part!

I´ve written a new version of the query. Though it doesn´t meet 100% of the points you raised, I believe it covers most of them!

Cheers and thanks for stopping by to help me with this!

Hi Clara,

I would just say:

JADE'S HURRICANE (This should be in all caps) is a Young Adult (I'm not sure if this should be caps) novel (feel free to include the sub-genre) complete at 100,000 words.

You usually don't need to say that it's aimed at a particular market, beyond stating the genre. The query should make the market clear.

Also, don't mention that the manuscript is available on request, because it's implied by querying.

Your story sounds really interesting!

Best of luck

Thanks for the great advice moose, already changed my word doc!

Thanks for helping me with this query!

Guys, could you help me?

I think the phrase "As she moves further, she meets Lian" kind of cuts the action,

Do you have a better idea?

Thank you so much!

In a world where some peopleMaybe here state this isn't something everyone can do. That way 'normal people makes sense. can control the four elements, Jade Kadeem witness normal humansHave you thought about naming the humans? Or maybe just call them humans. I don't think normal is needed. brutally murder her father. As a result, she creates a monstrous hurricaneAnd does?; something not every tamer can do. Especially a child.Nice.

Seven years later, an Oracle predicts her Godlike powersSounds VERY cliche. will destroy her home, the Air NationI know you had this first, but again I automatically jump to Avatar. I know it may be painful but you should consider changing this unless you're fine with people constanly making this connection, in which case, leaving it is fine. (Just check there are no copyrights first :D) . Jade then embarks on a journey to save herself and everyone she loves.Why does she need to go on a journey? She was told she was destined to destroy the Air Nation; what makes her think leaving will help?

As she moves further, she meets Lian, a girl with similar powers anda similarily tragic past. Although Lian has perfect control over her abilities, it’s harder'it's harder' sounds passive. when it comes to her emotions.

Things take a turn for the worse when the mysterious Shadow Man creates an evil initiative that wants to sweep normal humans from the face of the earth.Why? What's wrong with humans?
For him, life is a chess game and the girls are the perfect pawns.

In an epic battleCliche. Surely there's another way to write this?, Jade and Lian will face many dangers and above all, try to overcome their wishes for revenge.Is this revenge against her father's killers? If so, she would jump to be on the Shadow Man's side.

I am seeking representation for my 100.000 words manuscript aimed at the young adult - adult marketChoose one.. It is a fantasy story entitled “Jade´s Hurricane.” and it is part of a saga called Daiki, composed in four books.Don't mention it is a series. Query it as a stand alone book. That is how it should be written. By stating is as part of a series you are basically telling them that if they represent you, not only will they be representing this book, they will also be representing another three unwritten books. Not a risk most agents will take.

I am a published author for MegazineWhat kind of articles have you written? What editions and when were these published? The agent needs a quick, easy way to locate your work. (The biggest Brazilian magazine aimed at the young adult market).
I am part of the Word Cloud Writing Community and write on the blog http://www.pomadness.blogspot.com

I kindly ask you to notify me of your decision through email.This is implied by you sending this query. Also not all agent do reply.
Sample chapters and full manuscript are available upon request.Same as above.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Okay, I have two main concerns with this query. First, there is no clear narrator voice. It sounds generic. Perhaps replacing some of the cliches with your own words will bring this about?
The second concern I have is that the plot isn't very clear. First you're talking about her dad's murder, then she's talking to an Oracle, then she's embarking on an epic journey complete with manipulation and chess metaphors afoot. Really try to flesh out the details and above all, we need to know what motivates your character. We don't know anything about revenge until the very end.
Make sure you don't forget your agent's personalisation.
This is a really good attempt, especially considering English isn't your first language.
Hope this helps!

P.S. Only title need be in caps.

Hi Heather, Thank you so much!!

Well, it´s just that are so many things going on, that I dont want the agent to get lost (i.e., normal humans have a name, but isnt it additional info that might be unecessary? Also, the air nation has a name, but then again, I thought sticking to the "simple" could be better. Are these names really that important?)

Oh yeah, tell me about it! I actually saw Avatar, the whole series,just to make sure I hadn´t tossed away 3 years of my life. But thank goodness, the stories are so different that the only thing they have in common is element nations and people who control elements.
My MS goes much further than that though...maybe I should omit Air Nation? I´m sure there would be no copyright issues...Ok, definetly omitting it.

And I think my english wasnt very good on the second paragraph: Jade doesnt leave the Air Nation, she stays there because she´s keen on fighting her powers, the "journey" she takes is learning how to do it. Is there a better way to put it?

"Seven years later, the Royal Oracle predicts she will distroy her home and everyone she loved. Jade then has to embark on a trainning to control her godlike powers" maybe?

And I didnt explain whats wrong with humans, because there isnt anything wrong with them: The initiative has purely prejudicial motives, much alike many times in human history. At least on book 1. Can you please help me and tell me what points of the query led you to believe there was something wrong with them?

The beauty of it is that although they want to go to the shadow mans side, they know it´s morely wrong. So their reason clashes violently with what they want, which leads the girls to some deep filosofical issues about who they really are and who they want to be. Maybe I should put that on the query?

I will definetly make the changes on my "resume!" and by the end of the query, thanks so , so much!

If you could help me on the points I raised I´d be immenselly grateful!!

Ha Ha I didn't mean there's anything literally wrong with them just there has to be some motivation behind the bad guy wanting to go after them.

I definitely think you should omit Air Nation and maybe instead of naming your humans just call them 'humans' for now. Leave out the normal.

I like this new sentence about the Oracle but how about saying something along the lines of Jade wanting to prove her wrong so that's why she embarks on training. If your character is strong willed this will show us a little about her character and as is, the Oracle's statement sounds absolute so it leaves us wondering 'why the heck does she stay there if she's going to kill everyone? Argh....'

Anyway, I'll be looking for the update :D.

P.S. It's 'Philosophical' and 'morally' ;)

Ok, got it! What do you think?

Dear Mr. _________

In a world divided between element tamers and humans, Jade Kadeem witness the latter brutally murder her father. As a result, she instinctively creates a monstrous hurricane that almost kills her. Not something every tamer can do, especially a child.

Seven years later, the Oracle warns her that the hurricane will return, destroying Jade along with an entire nation. Determined to stop this dreadful prediction, she embarks on a harsh training to control not only her powers, but her crave for revenge.

During her journey, she meets Lian, a girl with same abilities and a similarly tragic past. Although Lian has perfect control over her powers, it’s harder when it comes to her emotions.

Things take a turn for the worse when the mysterious Shadow Man creates an evil initiative that wants to sweep humans from the face of the earth.
For him, life is a chess game and the girls are the perfect pawns.

As they flirt with what’s morally wrong, Jade and Lian face life threatening dangers. Ultimately, they must decide who they really are, and most importantly, who they want to be.

“JADE´S HURRICANE” is a finished 100.000 word YA Fantasy.

I am a published author by Megazine (The biggest Brazilian magazine aimed at the young adult market). How should I put the titles I´ve written? Like "I am a published author for Megazine, ("The Emerald Statue of the Church of Saintete" 2002 and "A walk through Fantasy for YA." 2003 ???)
I am part of the Word Cloud Writing Community and write on the blog http://www.pomadness.blogspot.com

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.