Query: As We Fall

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Query: As We Fall

Post by Code » December 28th, 2019, 2:16 pm

*I tried to post a query earlier but it didn't work. Sorry if this is a repost.

Dear Agent,

My novel, As We Fall, is a dystopian fiction that inject elements of dark fantasy (à la George R. R. Martin) into the science-fiction genre. It espouses a progressive take on international relations, while harkening back to both politics and the hardships of living in third-world societies, using the concept of ‘cargo-cults’ to glue it together. This manifests in the form of oppression, administered by the dominant “Chosen” people, identifying as “Angels”. Within this universe, there are two major classes. The first, as mentioned, are demigods whose ancestors escaped to Mars 200 years before the story unfolds. With the intent to both harvest stem cells and improve genetic variance, they have returned to Earth, with the intent of increasing their DNA bank. The second major group is colloquially referred to as “savages”: survivors of the old-world catastrophe. There are nine remaining nations, initially unconnected, and each with their own “prophet”- who, in reality, is a high-ranking Angel. My story concerns the plight of both savages, Angels, Cherubs (Angels-to-be), as well as A.I. perspectives. As We Fall is complete at 105,000 words.

Within my work, there are a number of scenes depicting bloodshed, arbitrary sacrifice, and pointed heroes. Essentially, there are no true “heroes”; nearly every character is clouded with darkness, and often are punished for making the altruistic decision. Whenever a character shows no signs of inner turmoil, they suffer until they become indiscernible from the others, whether that precludes a child suffering third-degree burns, or another, crippled for his curiosity. For this reason, I believe fans of the “grimdark”, dystopian, fantasy, and science-fiction genre will find a home in my work.

As I will soon graduate from Redacted University, I hope to do so with a published book in hand. I’d love to work with someone with a keen interest in worldbuilding, innovative characters and powerful narrative voices. If this sounds like a good fit, I’d love to hear back from you.

Kind regards,

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Re: Query: As We Fall

Post by nlshippen » January 16th, 2020, 3:21 am

Hello Code,

I love dystopian fiction and your story sounds fascinating, however, this is too general for a query letter. I don't know who the protagonist is, what they want or what stands it the way. I have sent a link to a great article that gives a guide to writing query letters. Also, there are reputable people, such as Nathan, who provide affordable query assessments. I have given the link to a post I found helpful on how to write a query letter.

https://www.writersdigest.com/online-ed ... ery-letter

All the best,


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Joined: December 28th, 2019, 2:09 pm

Re: Query: As We Fall

Post by Code » January 16th, 2020, 6:39 pm

Hey Naomi,

I've edited my query letter from earlier, focusing more on my startup company and myself, rather than solely on the novel.

I'll post it here:

My name is Redacted, and I’m looking for representation for my 100,000-word dystopian novel, As We Fall. Although I went to Redacted for Philosophy and English Literature, I’ve always been invested in scientific literacy and uncovering future tech. After graduation, I founded Redacted, a neurotech company that will soon begin wholesale of an energy spray 5x more powerful than anything on the market.

I have been writing in all mediums for as long as I can remember. I won a contest for young playwrights, then had my play published at Paprika Festival, and later performed at Tisch, NYU. I am COO of a neurotechnological startup I founded with my friends during college and have utilized my tech-savvy friends to ground my fantastical tendencies in realism.

As We Fall details the lives of Savages under the rule of Angels, a group consisting of society’s elite. They are a coalition formed long ago and in an impromptu manner. Fully composed of those who only happened to be aboard their vacation homes on the moon as Earth collapsed, they had long ago abandoned the rest of humanity. From there, they moved to Mars, outside the reach of Earth’s spiraling destruction.

Now they’ve returned, and they’re out for blood. Not for the sake of evil or an abstract cause, but for genetic diversity, for the chance to create more and more perfect beings. Earth’s survivors were meek, accepting of newfound Gods. They worshiped them, and if it came to it, died for them.

This is book one of what I intend to be a series. In this book, world-order is shaken up as a fallen Angel plants his attack, the first strike of a brewing rebellion. Domino, the Angel prophet of Raywyn, is incapacitated, then kidnapped. All people, whether Savage or Chosen, are witness.

As We Fall depicts the fall of a “just” society. Most dystopian novels depict worlds of chaos—this is not the case in As We Fall. I intend to release this alongside our flagship energy spray.

As an experienced writer and former playwright, I made it a priority to finish my novel before Redacted enters the market. I incorporated a futuristic version of my company’s product, as well as projected the future within my novel, using my experiences as COO of a neurotech company to ground it in science. In this sense, As We Fall is a realistic dystopia.

My passions lie in fantasy, worldbuilding, and political intrigue. As a fan of 1984, Fahrenheit 451, and Brave New World, I hope I can introduce modern readers to dystopia—which shouldn’t be too hard, given the dystopian nature of our world today.

Best Regards,


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Re: Query: As We Fall

Post by nikki12 » January 17th, 2020, 4:39 pm

Unless it's a memoir or a non-fiction book, the query should focus as much as possible on the story & not the author. Your credentials & personal connection to the novel can be in the last paragraph.

As suggested before, you can start with the protagonist. In this case it sounds like the 'Fallen Angel' who starts a rebellion. What circumstances forced him/her to take this action?
What is at stake? What happens if this person fails?

'Vacation homes on the moon' sounds intriguing, you can drop hints of this world in your query.

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Joined: March 1st, 2020, 10:20 am

Re: Query: As We Fall

Post by ambmae » March 1st, 2020, 10:26 am

As others have said, the paragraph of bio isn't what an agent is looking for. One sentence at the end is all you need to show your qualifications for writing this book.
The other red flag is your mention of classic dystopian novels as if we didn't just come out of a huge dystopian resurgence. Find recent comps, from the last three years, and strike the sentence about introducing young readers to dystopia, they've been introduced, if not in books than in books to films. I think Ready Player One was the most recent film success.
Your concept is interesting, get to it and make the agent want to read your book.

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