Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi all,

This is a possible prologue for my YA fantasy novel titled Charlie's Junk Shop. I'm currently in my second draft and looking for some feedback, expecially of the 'craft' kind: my grammar and punctuation skills are terrible!

I'm a little nervous - the excerpts and feedback I've read here so far are excellent and I'm hoping my few short paragraphs will be as entertaining to you as many of your excerpts have been for me.

Happy reading!
Lea.

Queen Street was very quiet at six in the morning. The trees from the city park threw disturbing shadows across the pavement and the church, which sat on the corner, was eerily empty. The only noises were the distant sounds of traffic and the loud ticking from the very top of the clock tower, the building which Mrs. Barnett was walking towards. She was holding hands with her daughter and clutching, rather tightly, a very old, heavy watch. Mrs. Barnett had arrived in the city yesterday for a wedding; since the ceremony, the clock tower opposite the church had captivated her thoughts and she had struggled to sleep. Something about it seemed familiar but she wasn’t sure why. She slowed as she approached the tower, looking not at the rather spectacular clock at the top but at the shabby, deserted junk shop which occupied the ground floor. Its large display windows and green door were set right on the street and it appeared dilapidated and old. Mrs Barnett viewed the building apprehensively, the windows were dusty and cracked, cobwebs lined the doorframe and the walls were crooked, making the whole tower look as though it was about to crumble at any moment. Slowing down until she had stopped, the woman stared intently at the green door from across the street, a strange feeling of nostalgia overtaking her. She was certain that she had never been here before. In fact she had never been to the city before, and yet, the little junk shop with its green door was somehow familiar to her. For reasons she couldn’t understand, she began to silently cry - a flicker of a memory threatened to push its way to the surface and she fought to suppress it, afraid of what it might reveal. Coming here was a mistake, she knew that now, and yet she felt as though she was compelled to come. What she had thought was common curiosity was obviously something stronger. Lost in her thoughts it was some time before her daughter managed to capture her attention.

“Mummy!” she said urgently tugging on her sleeve. “Mummy, look”.

The little girl pointed down the street and the woman realised with shock that guards, Dukes Guards, were advancing towards her, closing in on the Clock Tower from both ends of the street. Thinking wildly that they can’t have been there for her she grasped her daughters hand more tightly and moved towards the path that ran through the city park.

“Stop!” A commanding voice rung out over the deserted street.

The woman froze, terror stealing over her as she realised something she’d suspected but didn’t want to admit. They were there for her.

“If anything happens you need to run” she whispered to her daughter, stuffing the watch into the small girls pocket. “Can you do that for me?” the woman pressed, wanting her daughter to understand how important it was.

The little girl nodded mutely her eyes widening as she peered over her mother’s shoulder. The woman turned slowly to find she was surrounded by fifteen officers.

“Is your name Amanda Furioso?” the captain commanded unkindly.

Confusion mingled with relief as she realised that there had been a mistake.

“No, officers.” She said, allowing herself to smile. “My name is Enid Barnett and this is my daughter Rebecca.”

From his breast-pocket, the captain pulled out a yellowing photograph, it was creased as though it had been much handled over many years. The captain stared from the photograph to the woman’s face.

“Do you have a sister? A twin perhaps?” his voice was steely.

Unnerved by his tone, the woman stuttered. “No. No, I don’t have any other family.”

“Then we have a problem. You see, I’ve been ordered to detain a woman and her child matching this photograph and I’m afraid the woman in this photograph looks exactly like you.”

The woman took the proffered photograph with shaking hands and gasped. The likeness was unmistakeable. She had the same hair and eyes and chin, she even smiled the same way, with one side of her mouth higher than the other. Yet Mrs. Barnett did not know her. Panic caused her breath to catch in her throat as she realised she was not able to explain why there was another person who looked exactly the same as she did.

“I...” she stuttered as the Captain took back the photograph with a cruel glint in his eye.

A sick smile slid across his lips. “Arrest her!” he commanded and the woman screamed.

“No! No! Rebecca run! run Rebecca!” she struggled against her captors as her daughter darted behind them and ran. Hoping to draw their attention away from her daughter, the woman broke free. Swinging her arm out she pushed one of the men to the ground. She turned to push the man to the left of her and was grabbed from behind. Fighting as hard as she could she threw her arms wildly and connected with a sickening crunch which sent pain shooting up her arm. As more guards moved in to detain her she glanced up at her daughter who stood frozen outside the green door.

“Mummy!” the little girl screamed.

Locking eyes with her daughter for the last time the woman heard a gunshot and then there was nothing.

I love it! There are a few places I would add commas, maybe shorten the first paragraph, break it up a bit. I think it would read better if you broke the sentence below into two sentences:

~The trees from the city park threw disturbing shadows across the pavement and the church, which sat on the corner, was eerily empty.~


Other than that, excellent story. It drew me in, left me wanting to read more, to find out what happens next.

This is an interesting prologue, and the mystery left hanging is more than enough to hook your readers. You have good material, but I think it needs some cleaning still.

First, you need to break that huge paragraph. These are the very first words your readers will see, and your typical teenager may not want to deal with long description so early on. S/He might conclude it'll be like that all along. Short paragraphs give a faster pace to your writing, which I believe is twice as important for YA.

A good way to decide when to break paragraph is 1 paragraph = 1 idea. Here's my take on how I'd cut it:

leakelly wrote:Queen Street was very quiet at six in the morning. The trees from the city park threw disturbing shadows across the pavement and the church, which sat on the corner, was eerily empty. The only noises were the distant sounds of traffic and the loud ticking from the very top of the clock tower, the building which Mrs. Barnett was walking towards. She was holding hands with her daughter and clutching, rather tightly, a very old, heavy watch. Mrs. Barnett had arrived in the city yesterday for a wedding; since the ceremony, the clock tower opposite the church had captivated her thoughts and she had struggled to sleep. Something about it seemed familiar but she wasn’t sure why. You could remove 'but she wasn't sure why'. If she knew what, she'd be telling us. I hope.

She slowed as she approached the tower, looking not at the rather spectacular clock at the top but at the shabby, deserted junk shop which occupied the ground floor. Its large display windows and green door were set right on the street and it appeared dilapidated and old. I'm not sure you even need this. The windows' description and the cobwebs are ample description to get this point across. Mrs Barnett viewed the building apprehensively, use a colon instead the windows were dusty and cracked, cobwebs lined the doorframe and the walls were crooked, I'd make a new sentence here. "It made the whole tower etc.making the whole tower look as though it was about to crumble at any moment. Slowing down until she had stopped, All of this could be "Standing still", or something shorter. She is already slowing at the beginning of the paragraph, after all. the woman stared intently at the green door from across the street,

I cut a sentence in half here, as I felt you went from description of the clocktower and the old shop to her feelings about it. These are too different subjects, hence two paragraphs. You could just go with "A strange feeling of nostalgia overtook her." as your first sentence.

a strange feeling of nostalgia overtaking her. She was certain that she had never been here before. In fact either add a comma, or remove 'in fact'she had never been to the city before, and yet, no need for the comma the little junk shop with its green door was somehow familiar to her. For reasons she couldn’t understand, she began to silently cry - dashes are supposed to be 'add ons' to your sentences -- like an afterthought. The flicker of memory deserves to be a full sentence in my opinion.a flicker of a memory threatened to push its way to the surface and she fought to suppress it, afraid of what it might reveal. Coming here was a mistake, she knew that now, and yet she felt as though she was compelled to come. What she had thought was common curiosity was obviously something stronger. This reads a bit awkward to me. Maybe go with something like "Her obsession for the clocktower was more than common curiosity." Or anything else you can think of.

This break, more than any of the others, is a personal opinion. The following sentence could go with the previous paragraph, no problem.

Lost in her thoughts it was some time before her daughter managed to capture her attention.

Words in red are those I'd either remove, or change. They are the 'rather' 'seemed' and 'looked as though' scattered around your description. I don't think you need those to get your point across. Replace them with stronger words or remove them; it'll tighten the text and give it more punch. Of course, I've highlighted all of them, which doesn't mean you should remove ALL. But I recommend examining them one by one, and wondering if they are necessary.

To be honest, I am not an expert in punctuation and grammar either. These are the suggestions I'm confident about. You might want to pick up and read A Dash of Style - The Art and Mastery of Punctuation, by Noah Lukeman. It's a small book with great advice not only on what punctuation mark to use when, but also on how to best use these tools to enhance your style. It's easy to understand and packed with examples and exercises. I learned a lot from it.

All the nitpicking aside, your prologue is great. You draw the reader in quickly, nail the mood down, and leave a powerful mystery hanging. It's exactly what you need to shoot for.

Queen Street was(is) very quiet at six in the morning. The trees from the city park threw(throw-cast-spill) disturbing shadows across the pavement and the church,


Very good flow just suggesting you rev up the immediacy to match the quality of the imagery and flow.
Enjoyed it.

Quick question, Dukes guards, are they the guards of a Duke? In which case they should be Duke's guards.

For some reason when I read that I imagined basketball players. Not at all what you were intending I think... but it made me giggle.

Sorry all for the late reply, I've been on holiday's and got a lovely surprise when I got back. Thanks heaps for the amazing feedback. It's awesome that we can collabprate like this - truly one of the best things about the WWW!

Gina Frost thanks for the suggestion, it definitely sounds better and is top of my list to change.

Steppe, I hadn't considered the issue of speed, its given me something to look for in my next revision.

Emily J, it's definitely meant to be Duke's Guards (ie: they guard the Duke) and I hadn't thought of football, although now you mention it maybe I'll change their uniforms - lol - :P

Claudie, Thank you for your in depth analysis, it was amazing and far more than I expected. I'm very grateful and you've given me a lot to think about.

Thanks guys, as soon as I get a spare moment I'll head over to your excerpts etc. and have a look. Hopefully I can be just as helpful to you too.

xxx lea xxx