Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Dear Specific Agent,

Jude Magdalyn Henries has what some--okay, many--would call an unconventional life. Orphaned at birth, raised by nuns, teenage runaway, fake tarot card reader--there is very little about Jude that’s normal. Jude plays hard, which means she has to work at least semi-hard, but when she accepts an invitation to do a private tarot reading, her life goes from hardly normal to nowhere near normal at all.

Almost nothing shocks Jude anymore, but when she finds out that she’s the last in a line of matriarchal leaders of a magical group, shock is definitely what she feels. The Covenant has been in a holding pattern for the last twenty-five years, waiting for Jude to come into her birthright. The de facto leader, Gillian, doesn’t pull punches, verbal or magical. A war between vampire factions for control of the city of New Orleans has put the Covenant, and Jude, right smack in the middle. A side must be chosen, not for the greater good, but for the greater.

For a woman who’s spent all her life being different and alone, the sudden influx of people and responsibility verges on overwhelming. For any woman, having two men ready and willing to fight for you is beyond overwhelming. Williams is the leader of the Covenant’s vampire allies, deadly gorgeous, and just deadly in general. Theo is a member of the Council, can throw lightening without breaking a sweat, and is head over heels in love with Jude from the moment he sees her. Choosing between the two is like choosing between apples and oranges--or for Jude, coffee and Mountain Dew.

If that wasn’t enough, the head of the rival vampire faction is doing his best to finish filling up Jude’s social calendar--or rather, erasing it completely. Hart says he only wants to talk to Jude, but there’s something about a vampire who is willing to drain anyone and everyone who stands in his way that makes having a sit-down feel like a bad idea. In the end, the fate of the city hinges on one last battle, ranging from roof top to Bourbon Street to the bottom of the Mississippi River. Jude and the Covenant emerge victorious, but there’s more than one definition of victory.

Complete at approximately 120,000 words, Shades of Gray: A Jude Magdalyn Novel, brings to life the idea of a world within a larger world, where fantasy is reality--but only for some. Written in a style similar to early works of Laurell K. Hamilton, Shades of Gray combines the paranormal with humor, thrills and romance, and a healthy dose of sarcasm.

My numerous visits and brief time living in New Orleans help give an authentic feel to the novel, both in setting and in character construction. I have a B.S. in Criminology and Criminal Justice with a minor in History, both of which have proven useful in ensuring accurate details concerning murder and social customs--and believe me, sometimes keeping up with those social customs can be murder.

I have included the first five pages. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
L.M. Pruitt

A few quick comments in the little time I have at the moment:

The first couple of paragraphs had me thinking I'd like the story.

I started to zone out by the third paragraph. I think there is, perhaps, a little too much detail. It almost reads (to me) as something between a query and a short synopsis.

And finally, I'm concerned about your word count. 100k is the target for UF, in most cases. My understanding is 120k is considered too long. I've seen a rejection letter, with the reason based on length, for a 115k in the genre.

Hope this is helpful (for now anyway). Good luck with your project.

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I'm always unsure on length, just because I've seen novels (by the same writer) range from less than 300 to almost 500. I'll also keep the synopsis/query issue in mind; again, different agents, different ideas. Again, thanks so much.

Your query makes the story sound interesting, but it's way too long. You mention too many characters. I think you really need to strip this down to the primary conflict and choice and leave the rest for your synopsis.

I kind of got lost in the very first paragraph with all the not normal, hardly normal, etc. I think you can simplify that to one sentence--you don't want too much backstory (and I don't think you need it--you've got great voice, so you can cut down on telling us about her because her personality comes through).

You've got some awkward phrasing (e.g., "shock is definitely what she feels" is clunky and passive, ) and there are places you could cut words (e.g., the whole apples and oranges thing could just say "Choosing between them is like choosing between coffee and Mountain Dew"--if you do that, 1) we don't have to read the old cliche. 2) We assume all of this is from Jude's perspective, so you don't have to tell us. And 3) you have a more elegant sentence where the voice shines through.)

My suggestion is you do some massive streamlining. Be merciless in your deletions--get the meat of the query down to 250 words or so (right now, your query is just over 500). That will force you to stay focused. And then let us see a revision!

Thanks to lachrymal for your suggestions. Taking that into account, I've done a little chopping and a little rewording.


Jude Magdalyn Henries has what some--okay, many--would call an unconventional life. Orphaned at birth, raised by nuns, teenage runaway, fake tarot card reader--there is very little about Jude that’s normal. Jude plays hard, which means she has to work at least semi-hard, but when she accepts an invitation to do a private tarot reading, unconventional takes on a whole new meaning.

Finding out she’s the last in a line of matriarchal leaders of a magical group is the least of her new worries. The Covenant has been in a holding pattern for the last twenty-five years, waiting for Jude to come into her birthright. A war between vampire factions for control of the city of New Orleans has put the Covenant, and Jude, right smack in the middle. A side must be chosen, not for the greater good, but for the greater. In the end, the fate of the city hinges on one last battle, ranging from the roof top to Bourbon Street to the bottom of the Mississippi River. Jude and the Covenant emerge victorious, but there’s more than one definition of victory.

Complete at approximately 120,000 words, Shades of Gray: A Jude Magdalyn Novel, brings to life the idea of a world within a larger world, where fantasy is reality--but only for some. Written in a style similar to early works of Laurell K. Hamilton, Shades of Gray combines the paranormal with humor, thrills and romance, and a healthy dose of sarcasm.

My numerous visits and brief time living in New Orleans help give an authentic feel to the novel, both in setting and in character construction. I have a B.S. in Criminology and Criminal Justice with a minor in History, both of which have proven useful in ensuring accurate details concerning murder and social customs--and believe me, sometimes keeping up with those social customs can be murder.

I have included the first five pages. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
L.M. Pruitt

L.M. Pruitt wrote:Thanks to lachrymal for your suggestions. Taking that into account, I've done a little chopping and a little rewording.


Jude Magdalyn Henries has what some--okay, many--would call an unconventional life.

I believe this first sentence can safely be deleted.

Orphaned at birth, raised by nuns, teenage runaway, fake tarot card reader--there is very little about Jude that’s normal.

This is a pretty good start.

Jude plays hard,

Why not say "She plays hard" so we don't need to guess further whether Jude is male or female?

which means she has to work at least semi-hard, but when she accepts an invitation to do a private tarot reading, unconventional takes on a whole new meaning.

I like the idea, but not sure "unconventional" is the right word. It doesn't automatically support "not normal" and besides, "not normal" isn't that strong of a term anyway. What is normality, really? What sort of new meaning will "unconventional" take on? I say raise the stakes literarily with some terms brighter than normal and unconventional. I mean, aren't we all?

Finding out she’s the last in a line of matriarchal leaders of a magical group is the least of her new worries.

Here you're backing into what should be a bombshell. I would like to see this stated rather than alluded to as being "the least of worries."

The Covenant has been in a holding pattern for the last twenty-five years,

Is the Covenant an airplane? If not, I don't think the cliche "holding pattern" works.

waiting for Jude to come into her birthright. A war between vampire factions for control of the city of New Orleans has put the Covenant, and Jude, right smack in the middle.

I like the plot, but the cliche "right smack in the middle" sticks out for me. I would like to read something original there.

A side must be chosen,

This is passive just when we want active. She must choose. They must choose.

not for the greater good, but for the greater.

This seems incomplete. What is "the greater"? God? If so, wouldn't it be "the Greater"? Or, the Creator?

In the end, the fate of the city hinges on one last battle,

It probably does, but again, I would like to read something more original than "fate" and "hinges", and even "one last battle" (even if that is what it is).

ranging

Or raging?

from the roof top

One roof top?

to Bourbon Street

To one street? And, doesn't Bourbon Street have buildings with roof tops? If you mean the pavement itself, this should be clarified.

to the bottom of the Mississippi River. Jude and the Covenant emerge victorious, but there’s more than one definition of victory.

Not sure you need to or should give the outcome in a query. A query is only to entice an agent to request more.

Complete at approximately 120,000 words,

The word "approximately" is not needed in a query. It is fine to round off your word count and call it good.

Shades of Gray

SHADES OF GRAY

: A Jude Magdalyn Novel,

I don't think this subtitle is a good thing to add. For one, it could foster confusion that you already have some Jude novels published. Do you?

brings to life the idea of a world within a larger world, where fantasy is reality--but only for some.

Qualifiers such as this are not a good idea, as the message should have already been conveyed in the body of the query.

Written in a style similar to early works of Laurell K. Hamilton, Shades of Gray combines the paranormal with humor, thrills and romance,

SHADES OF GRAY (If you truly need to repeat the title). Otherwise this might be okay.

and a healthy dose of sarcasm.

This seems unnecessary, and with the cliche (a healthy dose of), I'd omit.

My numerous visits and brief time living in New Orleans help give an authentic feel to the novel, both in setting and in character construction. I have a B.S. in Criminology and Criminal Justice with a minor in History, both of which have proven useful in ensuring accurate details concerning murder and social customs--and believe me, sometimes keeping up with those social customs can be murder.

I'd omit this. The evidence should be in the writing, and the humor is probably not a plus in context of this business letter.

I have included the first five pages. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Good. I'm assuming the particular agent requests the sample pages.