Nathan Bransford - The Forums

arielswan wrote:
Alice Towne has walked away from what seemed a perfectly rational life. She is eager to leave behind her unfaithful lover,

and hoping to avoid the so called wisdom of Josephine, her mother that fancies herself a witch.

So, Alice takes a position sitting a two hundred year old house in western, Massachusetts for the summer.

There she intends to decide her own fate in solitude.

Quickly it becomes clear that Alice will not get what she wants.

Taken in by the townspeople,

Alice finds out everyone in Ashfield seems to have an agenda, from the twins who own the hardware store, but also deal in spells, to Teddy Shepherd, the town historian.

When Alice learns the house has a history of sick children and suicide, she is not concerned; she has other things on her mind.

Josephine, in need of a place to wait out her most recent drama, announces she will visit. And, Kyle Erickson, a young man hired to paint the barn, is slipping beneath Alice’s resolve to be on her own.

Soon though, the pervasive smell of peppermint, the haunting songs in the night, and the woman lurking around the garden, become too much to ignore. When she unearths the bones of an infant buried in the cellar, Alice sets out to discover what happened.

Everyone knew the house had a history, but history is usually not the whole story.

I am a teacher of literature and creative writing in Massachusetts. DISTILLATION, inspired by a true incident in Ashfield lore, is in the genre of New England magic realism. It is my first novel and is complete at 97,000 words.

arielswan wrote:Thanks to everyone who gave feedback. It was enormously helpful. I have cut almost 100 words and I have tried to make it more specific . The historical bit mentioned at the end is that in the mid-1700's the town this story takes place in refused burial in consecrated ground to a man "of uncommon learning" whom they suspected of being a wizard (True). My story is inspired by and makes its way to that history (although it is not the full solve of the mystery)- and I have imagined him an alchemist left over in the age of reason. Should I include this in a stronger way in the query? Also - I need help with the genre. I have always loved the description of a writer's work whom I seek to emulate as New England magic realism. But I don't know if that counts. It is a ghost story - but - it is from the first person POV - so...there is question.
Anyways - here is the revised version:

Dear Agent:

Alice Towne has walked away from what seemed a perfectly rational trying to figure out how a life can be rational...? life. She is eager to leave behind her unfaithful lover, and hoping to avoid the so hyphen called wisdom of Josephine, her mother who instead of "that" that fancies herself a witch. So, don't like the "So" that starts this sentence, maybe drop it and connect these two sentences? just a thought Alice takes a position sitting a two hundred year old house two-hundred-year-old house in western, why is there a comma here? Massachusetts for the summer. There she intends to decide her own fate in solitude.

Quickly it becomes clear that Alice will not get what she wants. Taken in by the townspeople, Alice finds out everyone in Ashfield seems to have an agenda, from the twins who own the hardware store, but also deal in spells, to Teddy Shepherd, the town historian. what do you mean everyone has an agenda? in regards to her? everyone has some kind of agenda, I have an agenda... When Alice learns the house has a history of sick children and suicide, she is not concerned; she has other things on her mind. hmm this inadvertently makes your MC sound like a jerk to me, "bah sick children? i'm not concerned..." i mean I know they're already dead, but still, jerk! Maybe say the suppose curse doesn't concern her? Josephine, in need of a place to wait out her most recent drama, announces she will visit. And, don't need comma here Kyle Erickson, a young man hired to paint the barn, is slipping beneath Alice’s resolve to be on her own. not sure how you slip beneath someone's resolve, a bit less figurative, a bit more literal here I think

Soon though, the pervasive smell of peppermint, the haunting songs in the night, and the woman lurking around the garden, become too much to ignore. ooh i like this, spooky and specific! good stuff When she unearths the bones of an infant buried in the cellar, Alice sets out to discover what happened. now she cares eh? :) Everyone knew the house had a history, but history is usually not the whole story. unless something happened in the past... i don't think this phrase works for me (i'm an over-thinker tho)
I am a teacher of literature and creative writing in Massachusetts. DISTILLATION, inspired by a true incident in Ashfield lore, is in the genre of New England magic realism. I don't think there is such a genre It is my first novel and is complete at 97,000 words. you might want to leave out if it's your first novel, opinions vary tho

Thank you for your time and consideration.arielswan

Posts: 4
Joined: 05 Apr 2010, 17:48
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arielswan wrote: Alice Towne has (delete, passive) walked away from what seemed a perfectly rational life. She is eager to leave behind her unfaithful lover, and hoping to avoid the so called wisdom of Josephine, her mother that fancies herself a witch.That sentence is long, can you make it two? So, Delete Alice takes a position sitting a two hundred (two-hundred-year-old) year old house in western, Massachusetts for the summer. There she intends to decide her own fate in solitude.

Quickly it becomes clear that Alice will not get what she wants.Delete the sentence, it doesn't add anything to the query Taken (someone suggested adopted, I'd agree, Taken in, needs to be changed) in by the townspeople, Alice finds out everyone in Ashfield seems to have an agenda, from the twins who own the hardware store, but also deal in spells, to Teddy Shepherd, the town historian. When Alice learns the house has a history of sick children and suicide, she is not concerned; she has other things on her mind. Josephine, in need of a place to wait out her most recent drama, announces she will visit. And, Kyle Erickson, a young man hired to paint the barn, is slipping beneath Alice’s resolve to be on her own.

Soon though, the pervasive smell of peppermint, the haunting songs in the night, and the woman lurking around the garden, become too much to ignore. Nice When she unearths the bones of an infant buried in the cellar, Alice sets out to discover what happened. Everyone knew the house had a history, but history is usually not the whole story.

You have some good lead in sentence, descriptions... but I want to know the story question, the character's task and what is there to stop it. You have some interesting secondary characters and subplots, but I think you can cut some of that to make a better query, more about ALice, her task, motivation and what person or force she will be up against.

I am a teacher of literature and creative writing in Massachusetts. DISTILLATION, inspired by a true incident in Ashfield lore, is in the genre of New England magic realism. It is my first novel and is complete at 97,000 words.

Leave out the first novel info

Thank you for your time and consideration.arielswan

Posts: 4
Joined: 05 Apr 2010, 17:48
Private message

arielswan wrote:
Dear Agent:

Alice Towne has walked away from what seemed a perfectly rational life. She is eager to leave behind her unfaithful lover, and hoping to avoid the so called wisdom of Josephine, her mother that fancies herself a witch. So, Alice takes a position sitting a two hundred year old house in western, Massachusetts for the summer. There she intends to decide her own fate in solitude.

Quickly it becomes clear that Alice will not get what she wants. Taken in by the townspeople, Alice finds out everyone in Ashfield seems to have an agenda, from the twins who own the hardware store, but also deal in spells, to Teddy Shepherd, the town historian. When Alice learns the house has a history of sick children and suicide, she is not concerned; she has other things on her mind. Josephine, in need of a place to wait out her most recent drama, announces she will visit. And, Kyle Erickson, a young man hired to paint the barn, is slipping beneath Alice’s resolve to be on her own.

arielswan wrote: Dear Agent:

Alice Towne has walked away from what seemed a perfectly rational life. She is eager to leave behind her unfaithful lover, and hoping to avoid the so called wisdom of Josephine, her mother that fancies herself a witch. So, Alice takes a position sitting a two hundred year old house in western, Massachusetts for the summer. There she intends to decide her own fate in solitude.

Quickly it becomes clear that Alice will not get what she wants.

Alice Towne takes a position sitting a two hundred year old house in western Massachusetts for the summer. Still getting over her unfaithful ex, she wants to spend her time in solitude. However, Taken in by the townspeople, Alice finds out everyone in Ashfield seems to have an agenda, from the twins who own the hardware store, but also deal in spells, to Teddy Shepherd, the town historian. When Alice learns the house has a history of sick children and suicide, she is not concerned; she has other things on her mind.Josephine, in need of a place to wait out her most recent drama, Alice's mother, who fancies herself a witch, announces she will visit. And, Kyle Erickson, a young man hired to paint the barn, is slipping beneath Alice’s resolve to be on her own.

Soon though, the pervasive smell of peppermint, the haunting songs in the night, and the woman lurking around the garden, become too much to ignore. When she unearths the bones of an infant buried in the cellar, Alice sets out to discover what happened. Everyone knew the house had a history, but history is usually not the whole story.

I am a teacher of literature and creative writing in Massachusetts. DISTILLATION, inspired by a true incident in Ashfield lore, is in the genre of New England magic realism. It is my first novel and is complete at 97,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration