Nathan Bransford - The Forums

On the day of Wallace McHardy’s release from rehab from a drug overdose, he meets Sailor Crownan who offers to share a night of foolhardy festivities. Sailor has just sprung from a Mormon compound and invites him out of the Rumspringa spirit. She is also intrigued by the bandana he wears to covers half of his face and invites Wallace in hopes to discover what he hides.

What Sailor doesn’t know, is that Wallace hides his cleft lip from not only people like Sailor but his own reflection. Wallace is so disgusted with his scars. He refuses to even speak out of the fear of being revealed for the hair lip that he is.

Even though Wallace avoids the social scene, he isn’t ready to return home and face his father after his overdose recovery, so he accepts Sailor’s offer.

Wallace wasn’t sure what he expected when he trails behind Sailor, but didn’t expect to meet Wiley Trudeau and his band of fanatical followers who all believe Wiley is a messiah. Wiley is not only crazy—- he’s dangerous. He takes an interest in Wallace and tries to seduce him into his cult.

Falling with Sailor down the rabbit hole, Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters a nude flower child, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban housewife, and a drag queen named Ferrara Pan with a vendetta. And by then it’s too late to turn back.

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 58,000 word contemporary novel set in the suburban jungle. Readers who enjoyed the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND will enjoy PALOOKA EXPRESS.

Mary-Catharine wrote:On the day of Wallace McHardy’s release from rehab following a drug overdose, he meets Sailor Crownan who offers to share a night of foolhardy festivities. Sailor has just sprung from a Mormon compound and invites him out of the Rumspringa spirit.

Isn't Rumspringa an Amish tradition, or has that just become part of the lexicon now?

She is also intrigued by the bandana he wears to covers half of his face and invites Wallace with the hope of discovering what he hides. But Wallace hides his cleft lip from everyone, including his own reflection. He refuses to even speak out of the fear of being revealed for the hair lip that he is.

Even though Wallace is usually a recluse, he isn’t ready to return home and face his father after his recovery, so he accepts Sailor’s offer.

Maybe try to make this more active: Wallace is drawn to Sailor's vitality and, while normally a recluse, tonight the thought of facing his father is worse than facing strangers.

Wallace wasn’t sure what he expected when he trails behind Sailor, but didn’t expect to meet Wiley Trudeau and his band of followers who believe Wiley is a messiah. Wiley is not only crazy, and possibly dangerous; he is doggedly trying to lure Wallace into his cult.

So, there is a clear sense of danger here, but it evaporates when we get to the next paragraph.

Falling with Sailor down the rabbit hole, Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters a nude flower child, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban housewife, and a drag queen named Ferrara Pan with a vendetta. And by then it’s too late to turn back.
And, by now, you've introduced 5 secondary characters. That seems like a lot to throw in at the end of a query.

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 58,000 word contemporary (I don't believe "contemporary" is a genre) novel set in the suburban jungle. Readers who enjoyed the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND will enjoy PALOOKA EXPRESS.

OK. Right now, this looks like a couple of people encountering a parade of quirky characters, with a crazed, dangerous man with a God-complex thrown in. This leaves me wondering a few things: what's the conflict and how are the main characters going to change in this story? Sights of strange things do not a changed-man make. Also, right now Sailor gets enough attention that it appears that there are two MCs - her and Wallace. Is that the case?

Also, I don't get a sense of the audience it's targeted towards, but the work count makes me think it's YA. If so, state that.

Good luck.

Nice second try. You'll see my comments below in blue, and my examples for how you might want to revise in bold. Keep in mind I am no expert at query writing and I obviously don't know your story from a hole in the ground, so these are examples only.

On the day of Wallace McHardy’s release from rehab from a drug overdose, he meets Sailor Crownan who offers to share a night of foolhardy festivities. Sailor has just sprung from a Mormon compound and invites him out of the Rumspringa spirit. She is also intrigued by the bandana he wears to covers half of his face and invites Wallace in hopes to discover what he hides.

I suggest you combine your explanation of his eagerness to avoid going home and the initial events of the book. Otherwise, it's redundant.

When Wallace McHardy's released from rehab, he'll do anything he can to avoid going home to face his father. So when newly liberated ex-fundamentalist Sailor Crownan offers a night of mindless fun, he immediately takes her up on it.

This isn't the smoothest, but you see I'm trying to combine a few elements so you don't have to go back and cover them. Others may have better suggestions for how to orgnanize it.

Rumspringa is, indeed, an Amish tradition. When Amish come of age, they go on Rumspringa. When LDS (Mormons) come of age, they go on a mission. Believe me, these are very, very different things. It sounds extremely strange to me when you combine these two, and the first thing I think is, "this person doesn't know much about either of these religious orientations." So if that's true, do some quick research (for example, there is only a very narrow, fundamentalist sect of the LDS church that tends to live in isolated communities or compounds, and they go by a different name). If that's not true, write your query differently so it doesn't sound like you have no idea of the difference between the two.

What Sailor doesn’t know, is that Wallace hides his cleft lip from not only people like Sailor but his own reflection. Wallace is so disgusted with his scars. He refuses to even speak out of the fear of being revealed for the hair lip that he is.

Even though Wallace avoids the social scene, he isn’t ready to return home and face his father after his overdose recovery, so he accepts Sailor’s offer.

Wallace is ready to party, as long as no one expects him to speak or reveal what's beneath the bandana that covers most of his face. He knows a cleft palate is a real turn off; he's had the rejection and ridicule to prove it. It's what landed him in rehab in the first place.

Wallace wasn’t sure what he expected when he trails behind Sailor, but didn’t expect to meet Wiley Trudeau and his band of fanatical followers who all believe Wiley is a messiah. Wiley is not only crazy—- he’s dangerous. He takes an interest in Wallace and tries to seduce him into his cult.

Unwilling to give up his chance to hang out with a pretty girl, Wallace trails Sailor through the suburban jungle while fending off her attempts to discover his secret. Unfortunately, Sailor isn't the only one who finds his mystery fascinating, and soon a dangerous wannabe messiah is trying to seduce him into a cult.

And here, I have no idea how that ties in with the rest of the novel. How is Wiley dangerous? What does that have to do with the other characters? What's the primary conflict? Wallace's reluctance to return home? His relationship with Sailor? His escape from the clutches of Wiley? His discovery that there are some who will accept him just as he is? His discovery that he can accept himself? In this query, you give no hint of the real conflict, and without it, it's pretty disconnected.

Falling with Sailor down the rabbit hole, Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters a nude flower child, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban housewife, and a drag queen [delete the name because it makes the sentence clunky] with a vendetta. And by then it’s too late to turn back.

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 58,000 word contemporary novel set in the suburban jungle. Readers who enjoyed the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND will enjoy PALOOKA EXPRESS.

Hi Mary-Catherine:'

Just a few comments on sentences/flow to improve clarity

Mary-Catharine wrote:On Wallace McHardy’s release from drug rehab, he meets Sailor Crownan, a young Mormom woman who offers to share a night of foolhardy festivities with him. Even though Wallace intended to avoid the drug scene, he isn’t ready to return home and face his father, so he accepts Sailor’s offer. (Maybe you know this but usually family members are included in treatment for drug/alcohol problems and if he's not completely estranged from his father, they would have had some discussion/counselling regarding the drug overdose.)

And here you change from his POV to hers and it seems a bit off

She seems intrigued by the bandana he wears to cover his mouth and tries to entice him to speak, which he refuses to do because it would reveal his secret: he has a hair lip.


Wallace wasn’t sure what he expected when he trails behind Sailor, but didn’t expect to meet Wiley Trudeau and his band of fanatical followers who all believe Wiley is a messiah. Wiley is not only crazy—- he’s dangerous. He takes an interest in Wallace and tries to seduce him into his cult.

From here I just feel rather confused Falling with Sailor down the rabbit hole, Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters a nude flower child, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban housewife, and a drag queen named Ferrara Pan with a vendetta. And by then it’s too late to turn back - turn back to where? So, I take it he is seduced by Wiley for a while and then changes his mind?.

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 58,000 word contemporary novel set in the suburban jungle. Readers who enjoyed the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND will enjoy PALOOKA EXPRESS.

It's not really clear what Wallace's quest is at the end. Does he come to accept his disability? Is his life and Sailor's life in danger from Wiley? Are they on the run or just wandering from one crazy experience to another? How does it all connect?

Good luck with it.

Mary-Catherine, I'm going to be completely honest with you: I didn't make it past the first paragraph. As lachrymal pointed out, Rumspringa has nothing to do with the Mormon Church, and Mormons (members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) don't live in compounds. Polygamists, or fundamentalists (members of the Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints), often live in compounds, but they aren't Mormons. And although I don't know this for certain, I'm pretty sure polygamists don't just let their young people out for nights of foolhardy festivities, so Sailor would probably be running away, as fast as she could go.

If I were an agent, I'd probably just pass right there, since I'd be concerned about the level of believability.