Nathan Bransford - The Forums

On the day of Wallace McHardy’s reprieve from rehab, he is offered a night of foolhardy fun from, Sailor Crownan. Wallace never speaks and never reveals his bilateral cleft lip so he hides behind a bandana. Wallace finds Sailor’s offer as a scapegoat from going home and follows her to The Cup of Shit (a drug distribution service disguised as a coffee shop). Meanwhile, Sailor tries to discover the mystery of Wallace’s past as well as what he hides behind his bandana.
Wallace expects to party like it is 99’; however, the party ends when he meets Wiley Trudea and his band of fanatical followers who believe he is the messiah. Wiley is not only crazy but dangerous and takes an interest in Wallace and hopes to seduce him into his cult. As the events begin to snowball so does Wallace’s past as well as the reason Sailor has prolonged her return home. Following Sailor down the rabbit-hole, Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters a nude flower child, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban house-wife, and a drag queen named Ferrara Pan with a vendetta to kill. And by then it’s too late to turn back.

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 58,000 word contemporary novel set somewhere in the suburban jungle. It begins at a podunk bus stop and ends with a funeral. Readers who enjoy the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND might enjoy PALOOKA EXPRESS.

thank you for your comments as I've tried to apply them to this new letter.

First comment--this is a big block of text. Break this up. It's up to you how you want to do it--I broke it up below so my comments were actually readable; they are not suggestions for how to divide your paragraphs.

On the day of Wallace McHardy’s reprieve from rehab, Sailor Crownan offers him a night of foolhardy fun [not crazy about the phrase "foolhardy fun", but also, this needed to be more active. Even if you keep it as it was, you must delete the comma before her name].

Wallace hides his cleft lip behind a bandana and never speaks [I skimmed your pages. You've obviously got some knowledge about cleft lip/palate, but most of us don't. Therefore, the word "bilateral" adds nothing. I changed this sentence so it was more concise. Even if you don't change this, you've got to put a comma before "so", because it precedes an independent phrase].

Wallace finds Sailor’s offer as a scapegoat from going home [I have absolutely no idea what this means. I think you may mean that he's avoiding going home by taking her up her her offer, but that is not the meaning of the words you wrote, because that's not what "scapegoat" means. If you clarify, one of us could suggest how to word it] and follows her to The Cup of Shit (a drug distribution service disguised as a coffee shop). Meanwhile, Sailor tries to discover the mystery of Wallace’s past as well as what he hides behind his bandana. [How does she do this? Generally, in this query, I have no sense of Sailor. Why on earth would Wallace follow her anywhere?]

Wallace expects to party like it is 99’ [this is a kind of dated reference, and unless you're referring to a different date than I'm thinking of, it should be '99, not 99']; however, the party ends when he meets Wiley Trudea and his band of fanatical followers who believe he is the messiah [I think you could just drop the semicolon and start a brand new sentence, or use a comma and the conjunction "but". If you mean "the" Messiah, as in referring to the specific Christian deity, it's a proper noun and you must capitalize it. If you just mean "a" messiah in a more generic sense, you don't have to capitalize it].

Wiley is not only crazy but dangerous and takes an interest in Wallace and hopes to seduce him into his cult [I strongly suggest you break this sentence down. "Wiley is not only crazy--he's dangerous. He takes an interest in Wallace and tries to seduce him into the cult."]. As the events begin to snowball so does Wallace’s past as well as the reason Sailor has prolonged her return home [I don't understand this sentence. How does a past snowball? How does a reason snowball? If you don't delete or substantially rewrite, delete "begin to" and put a comma before the "so"]. Following Sailor down the rabbit-hole [he's already followed her to the cup o' shit, so this time, can he trail her? chase her?], Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters a nude flower child, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban housewife, and a drag queen named Ferrara Pan with a vendetta to kill [why does the drag queen want to kill his vendetta? I think you can delete "to kill". A vendetta is, by definition, some sort of blood feud.]. And by then it’s too late to turn back.

Your character Wallace is very passive in this query. Some things happen to him, but the only thing he really does is follow and not realize things. Other people sort of try to do some things to him, though apart from getting him to join a cult, I'm not sure what exactly they're doing. Now, based on your pages, which again, I just skimmed, he seems like a pretty feisty guy. So I'm surprised he comes off as so passive here.

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 58,000 word contemporary novel set somewhere in the suburban jungle. It begins at a podunk bus stop and ends with a funeral. Readers who enjoyed the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND might enjoy PALOOKA EXPRESS.

Give this another try! You've got a lot of interesting detail and a potentially neat lead character. So focus on him, the conflict, the choices he faces, etc. Make him and what he does the center of your query if he's really the protag.

Mary-Catharine wrote:On the day of Wallace McHardy’s reprieve from rehab,

I looked up reprieve in the dictionary and wasn't sure any of the definitions fit here. Also, rehab for what?

he is offered a night of foolhardy fun from, Sailor Crownan.

Omit comma.

Wallace never speaks and never reveals

The repeat of "never" is inelegant.

his bilateral cleft lip so he hides behind a bandana.

Why would you misspell a word on a query?

Also, "so he hides behind..." sounds awkward. He never speaks or reveals SO he hides?

Wallace finds Sailor’s offer as a scapegoat

I don't think an offer can be a scapegoat. I think a scapegoat needs to be a living being.

from going home and follows her to The Cup of Shit (a drug distribution service disguised as a coffee shop).

No need to shock the agent with the specific name you've chosen for the establishment.

Meanwhile, Sailor tries to discover the mystery of Wallace’s past as well as what he hides behind his bandana.

Why? Why should we care? Give us the main conflict of the story.

Wallace expects to party like it is 99’;

It's '99, not 99'.

And again, this seems like a trivial observation, not the meat of the story.

however, the party ends when he meets Wiley Trudea and his band of fanatical followers who believe he is the messiah.

Believe who is the messiah, Wiley, or Wallace. Also, not recommended to have two main characters' names begin with the same letter of the alphabet.

Wiley is not only crazy but dangerous and takes an interest in Wallace and hopes to seduce him into his cult.

Kind of a string-on sentence here. Awkward.

As the events begin to snowball

Cliche.

so does Wallace’s past as well as the reason Sailor has prolonged her return home.

Wallace's past begins to snowball? And Sailor's reason begins to snowball? Also, how does one prolong a return? Do you mean her stay at home? Her travel to return home?

Following Sailor down the rabbit-hole,

What is the rabbit hole? A real rabbit hole? Rabbit hole does not need a hyphen, btw.

Wallace doesn’t realize how far he’s gotten until he encounters a nude flower child, a dog named Dirty Nazi, Bouchillon the Felon, a crazed suburban house-wife, and a drag queen named Ferrara Pan with a vendetta to kill. And by then it’s too late to turn back.

This leads me to believe the story turns into a modern day Alice in Wonderland. Is that what you mean by rabbit hole?

PALOOKA EXPRESS is a 58,000 word contemporary novel set somewhere in the suburban jungle.

Vague. Where is it set? In a limbo? Is it an existential treatment? Is it really an unnamed place?

It begins at a podunk

Cliche.

bus stop and ends with a funeral.

We don't need to know this at the query stage.

Readers who enjoy the erratic and exotic characters in Joshua Corin's NUCLEAR WINTER WONDERLAND might enjoy PALOOKA EXPRESS.

Might enjoy? You don't sound too confident.

That is what I was trying to relate to Alice and Wonderland. Sorry about the confusion. You guys are both right. I'm really new at the whole writing query thing and I really appreciate your comments.