Nathan Bransford - The Forums

BAL wrote:I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You.

Dear Agent,

Tirian always expected his life to be quite quiet and peaceful, as a toad's life should be, in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up cursing him with a human body. Tirian's feels [/s]he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever. Now he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess.

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire often has her in dangerous and difficult situations, but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options,: take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever.and the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory.

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted (All capitals) is the story of one overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. Together they just might succeed.

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

BAL wrote:I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You.

Dear Agent,

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire often has gets her into dangerous and difficult situations, but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options: take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever. And the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.(I get the sense that Rynn isn't human, but I don't know exactly WHAT she is, either. Some clarification would be good.)

Tirian always expected his life to be quitequiet and peaceful in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change (this is very generic...and since you go on to say exactly how they change, it's unnecessary) when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress (I have no idea who these people are or why he would interfere)who ends up cursing him with a human body. (What was he before?)Now he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl (the half-human girl? Rynn? This needs clarification.) who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess. Tirian feels he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever. (I found this very amusing, but I think it needs to be reconstructed, me thinks. Maybe: "To make matters worse, Tirian's human form is devastatingly handsome, and all the ladies are panting after him. Normally, he'd be happy to oblige them, but one kiss could bind him in his form forever." Just a play and probably completely inappropriate for your story, but hopefully you get my gist.)

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) (if you'd explained this previously, this wouldn't be necessary) trespassing on human territory.

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf, by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous (too many adjectives) sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel TOO ENCHANTED is the story of one overly enchanted toad (Oh, so he's a toad. This needs to come sooner.)trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. Together they just might succeed.

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

BAL wrote:I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You.

Dear Agent,

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire like this turn of phrase often has her in dangerous and difficult situations. but-cut When her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options: take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever. and the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again - I don't think you need this last clause, it's backstory really and I'm not sure we need to know it here.

Tirian always expected his life to be quite - quiet and peaceful in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up - how? cursing him with a human body. Now he must leave the quiet-repetition safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess. Tirian feels he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a - cut human forever.

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory. - this is a little rough, could be smoother, maybe play with it

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to - cut stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted is the story of one overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. Together they just might succeed. - This is well said

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

kenpochick wrote:

BAL wrote:I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You.

Dear Agent,

Tirian always expected his life to be quite quiet and peaceful, as a toad's life should be, in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up cursing him with a human body. Tirian's feels [/s]he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever. Now he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess.

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire often has her in dangerous and difficult situations, but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options,: take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever.and the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory.

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted (All capitals) is the story of one overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. Together they just might succeed.

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

I remember seeing this on Evil Editor. Good luck with it, it sounds cute!

BAL wrote:I wrote in awhile ago with my first query letter and got some great feedback. Now I'm asking for it again, I've changed my book a lot and have adjusted my query letter to match. Please review and give helpful comments. Thank You.

Dear Agent,

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire great phrase! often has her in dangerous and difficult situations,this sentence is too long i would put a period here and divide into 2 sentences but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options, take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever. semi-colon hereand the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.

Tirian always expected his life to be quite quiet? and peaceful in the enchanted forest Kingdom should kingdom be capitalized? *not sure*of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up cursing him with a human body. So you need to mention that he was a toad right? Not a person otherwise the impact is lost to the readerNow he must leave the quiet don't say quiet again safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, dash or colon here i thinka human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess. Rephrase sentence "And the Elders choose the one human Tirian blames for his predicament (something like that Tirian feels he’s left in a terrible state Tirian is in a terrible state (stronger) after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever. OMG I LUV IT!

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, great love thisTirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe don't need place name, "dodges lovesick woman and with Rynn's help evades the...and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory.

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, dunno if we need to know about wolfie discover that the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. Too much plot, i think turning back to human might be enough, and now we have an entrantress and a sorcerer neither given a nameThey must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted i've heard that you are suppose to capitalize title, but opinions varyis the story of one overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and one half-human girl trying to forget her past. BTW what is the other half??? *Is curious*Together they just might succeed. don't need this last sentence

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Rynn’s job as a hero for hire often has her in dangerous and difficult situations, but when her latest job to rescue a kidnapped human girl goes seriously wrong, she’s left with two options, take on a job for the forest elders of Garn or stay their prisoner forever. and the one thing she swore she’d never do is be trapped in prison again.

Tirian always expected his life to be quite and peaceful in the enchanted forest Kingdom of Garn. But things change when he gets caught in a fight between a half-human girl and an angry enchantress who ends up cursing him with a human body. Now he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow the enchantress to the human lands to make her change him back. But he’ll need a guide who knows the human lands, a human guide. The Elders choose the girl who in Tirian’s mind started this whole mess. Tirian feels he’s left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever.

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and Rynn helps him evade the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones (like her and Tirian) trespassing on human territory.

During their search, Tirian and Rynn, along with an enchanted wolf by the name of Wester, discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed Tirian is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic and the humans’ technology. They must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

BAL wrote:
Like any self-respecting magic toad all Tirian wanted was to live a quiet life in the forest kingdom of Garn. All Rynn wanted was to complete her latest job and get paid. But not everyone gets what they want. Who is Rynn? Is she a toad as well? Or is she a different type of creature? You don't have to go into great detail, just give us an idea who/what she is. Since she's being mentioned in the first paragraph she must be of enough importance for us to know that info.

Tirian gets caught between Rynn and an angry enchantress and ends up cursed with a horribly gorgeous human body. This is a suggestion only, buy in order to break up the repetitive use of "and" in this sentence you might want to change it up a bit to something along the lines of "Caught between Rynn and an angry enchantress, Tirian ends up cursed with a horribly gorgeous human body." Devastated by the transformation Tirian must follow the enchantress to the human lands to get her to change him back, but he must be careful because women are magically drawn to him by the curse and a kiss would bind him to his new body permanently. I like the humorous way in which becoming ungodly handsome is a curse for the toad!

Rynn is ordered by the forest Elders to help Tirian find the women who cursed him. Less than happy about playing babysitter, Rynn takes up this latest job for which her only payment is her freedom. What does that mean "her only payment is her freedom"? This is the first time we're hearing about Rynn not being "free". I don't know whether this is something that would be answered in the first paragraph when we find out who/what Rynn is, but it should be addressed somehow, if that's HER motivating factor.

Racing against time Tirian and Rynn face magically love struck humans, mysterious magic users and the deadly Elite Guards. Their efforts lead them to discover that their enchantress is involved in a deeply sinister cliche description, the blurb is stronger without it plan ,concerning the assassination of to assassinate a prince, start a war and ultimately gain control over the Artair. The Artair is -- an object of immense power. and The Artair is the source behind the enchanted ones magic and the humans’ innovations. If the enchantress obtains the Artair control it would mean the destruction of both kingdoms.

TOO ENCHANTED is my 99,000-word fantasy novelTOO ENCHANTED is the story of an overly enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants and a girl trying to escape her past. This last part is unnecessary, since an agent will have already concluded as much about the toad from your query, and there is nothing currently in the query to make them care about the girl trying to escape her past.