Revision number six

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JaEvans
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Re: Revision number six

Post by JaEvans » April 5th, 2010, 2:08 am

Thank you Quill for your colorful persective.

A few points you have made make sense so I will look at them. The others I will not comment on.

One thing I seem to need to clear up is the British spelling of certain words. I am Canadian. The spelling I use is Canadian rather than American. It will be consistently Canadian.

Thanks again everyone for your assistance.
"Life is a tragedy for those who feel, a comedy for those who think" Horace Walpole

ahalaw
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Joined: March 9th, 2010, 8:24 am
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Re: Revision number six

Post by ahalaw » April 5th, 2010, 7:44 am

In the first paragraph, I think you can cut "throughout the universe." It's implied. The next line is long and makes me gasp for air. Can you cut it or turn it into two? Maybe combine the 18th century part to the first sentence in the next paragraph. This will make the first paragraph more scannable. Something like, "This realm is on the verge of being tipped into perpetual darkness and Jonathan Cornwallis, a trouble-making nineteen year old, stands as their saviour." The next line would read, "Jonathan, born to a prominent eighteenth-century British family, is the first descendant of the Sons of God to walk the earth in ten thousand years."

Can we cut, "By way of title that makes him a Dritian, and along with the title"? It's wordy. I suggest, "As a Dritian, he has the power to push back the darkness."

I would clarify the next sentence--"The problem is that he does not know who he is or the path that lies ahead"--to drive it home. Why doesn't he know who he is? Amnesia or existential emptiness?

The next paragraph is really good, but I would trim some parts out. The same goes for the third paragraph.

So my revisions would look like this, "Anne DeVries, Jonathan’s would-be-lover and the illegitimate daughter of the King of England, is taken hostage by a mid-level criminal, Mr. Boutlier. He plans to rekindle a war with England while establishing for himself a place at the table with the Viata, a secret organization that has guided events from behind the scenes for centuries. The Viata are extremely desirous of Jonathan’s legacy. But they are not the only ones. Out of the depths of the spirit realm the darkness has sent the beast into Jonathan’s dreams to scare him into service. Even the dreams of men are not safe from the power of the darkness. As Jonathan seeks his answers in the new world, Anne seeks Jonathan in search of answers of her own. What they both find on the journey is that nothing escapes the pull of the spiritual realm, the World of Light and Shadow."


I know I've cut out a lot, but I'm trying to condense/streamline it. I also combined a lot to create one large central paragraph; I don't think you need more than three paragraphs total. I hope some of these suggestions help. Use whatever you can and discard the rest.

--Andre Halaw

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