Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hey everyone!

I'm a new member here seeking feedback on my query (obviously!). I've been going through the QueryShark archives, and had planned on critiquing here and a couple other forums before posting my own, but I've decided to take a class on querying from Litreactor.com that starts on the 21st, so my schedule is a bit more crammed than I originally intended. Anyways, without further ado, here's the current draft I have to offer.

#

Dani Redfield only desired one thing—to see the Earth—not become the first Xanos child at Gifted Gen to get sick.

Isolated in captivity with her parents arrested, everything was lost. That is, until the benevolent hand of the enigmatic Archer Drago saved them. Offering restitution through a new home, school, and personal escort, Drago grants Dani’s heart’s greatest desire: free reign to explore among the space colony’s Lan Chou distract—her first true slice of Earth.

But, as she quickly learns, nothing comes without its price. Alienated from her peers, along with a budding tension between her and her parents, Dani struggles to come to grips with the hard truth of her reality. Of who and what she is. More importantly, Drago’s stake in her.

For Dani is the first of mankind to survive a mutated genome; a genome which holds the power to revolutionize the corrupted Sky United Society under Drago’s vision. But, can she trust his ambitions for their good intent? Or is a more sinister plot lurking within his aspirations that threaten the lives of those she loves most?

Only one thing is certain. Nothing can ever be the same again . . . just like her genes.

Recoded Volume 1: Alan and Rachael is a 123,000 word social sci-fi novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration

--Ryan K Alford

Hey guys.

Just updating with a newer draft that's quite different from my previous.

#

Dani Redfield dreamed of a beach the night her parents fought. The sun warmed her face, unlike the fever that burned her body. The grey eyes had watched her there; staring in their scary way, frightening and alien as much as the shouting of her parents.

She wasn’t supposed to be sick.

Thrown in isolation upon the first day of her recovery—that’s when she hears the voice. As powerful as ocean waves, yet as sweet as her Mama’s. It lulls her into a trance, tempting her to do just one small thing.

Kill the man responsible.

But, before she can act, she is released from captivity by her parent’s employer, Archer Drago. He gives her a new home, school, personal escort, and free-reign over one of the space colony’s districts. Her first taste of Earth.

She almost calls him Uncle for that.

However, her escort is no ordinary aide. She is a trained killer, and precedes to enlighten Dani about the crueler realities of life. More importantly, that Dani wasn’t sick at all. That her parents know the truth, and that she shouldn’t trust them. Even worse, the voice in her dreams is only growing more impatient.

It wants her silly meat and bone matter.

Locked within an unescapable situation, Dani must find the strength in herself—in the grey eyes, in the voice—to unravel the truth. Either she trust Drago and continue being his pawn, or forgive her parents and stay trapped as the helpless five year old she’s meant to be.

Regardless, she knows she can’t ever be the same again . . . just like her genes.

RECODED VOLUME I: ALAN AND RACHAEL is a 123,000 word social sci-fi novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

--Ryan K Alford

Hi Alan. I've got some suggestions on your query that I hope you will find helpful.

Dani Redfield dreamed of a beach the night her parents fought. The sun warmed her face, unlike the fever that burned her body. The grey eyes had watched her there; staring in their scary way, frightening and alien as much as the shouting of her parents.

I don't think this is the strongest opening.

She wasn’t supposed to be sick.

Thrown in isolation upon the first day of her recovery—that’s when she hears the voice. As powerful as ocean waves, yet as sweet as her Mama’s. It lulls her into a trance, tempting her to do just one small thing.

Kill the man responsible.

That's strong. I think you should start here. Dani Redfield is recovering from a near-fatal fever when she hears a voice tempting her to do just one small thing. Kill the man responsible for her illness.

But, before she can act, she is released from captivity by her parent’s employer, Archer Drago. He gives her a new home, school, personal escort, and free-reign over one of the space colony’s districts. Her first taste of Earth. She was in captivity? On another planet? Wha?? color]

She almost calls him Uncle for that. Huh?

However, her escort is no ordinary aide. She is a trained killer, and precedes proceedsto enlighten Dani about the crueler realities of life. More Mostimportantly, that Dani wasn’t sick at all. That her parents know the truth, and that she shouldn’t trust them. Even worse, the voice in her dreams is only growing more impatient.

It wants her silly meat and bone matter.

Locked within an unescapable inescapable situation, Dani must find the strength in herself—in the grey eyes, in the voice—to unravel the truth. Either she trusts Drago and continues being his pawn, or forgives her parents and stays trapped as the helpless five year old she’s meant to be. She's five? [color]

Regardless, she knows she can’t ever be the same again . . . just like her genes.

RECODED VOLUME I: ALAN AND RACHAEL is a 123,000 word social sci-fi novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

--Ryan K Alford

I think you need to get down to the bare bones of what your story is about, and then rebuild the query to communicate that to the reader. The story is lost in the style. I couldn't tell you what your book is about based on the query.

Maybe irrelevant, but I kept getting stuck on the name ... Who are Alan and Rachel if the protagonist is Dani?