Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I'd finished my manuscript for Leatherjacket Soldier and sent it to my publisher to add to the slush pile. An online acquaintance who is extremely knowledgeable about Baja California and the missions there reviewed the mss and pointed out a lot of errors I had made.

So, I went back to the publisher and pulled the mss.

Phew!

My acquaintance then directed me to a book, Antigua California, an outstanding work about the Jesuits and their efforts in Baja [lower] California. After scouring it at great length – reading and then summarizing and cataloging – I've discovered that I must completely write the historical novel I thought was finished.

Not only that, but I think I came up with a great start for it. Your comments? [Please remember this is the first, rough draft]

“Teresa. I am going to enlist in the cavalry.”

The young girl with curly light brown hair turned in her saddle to look at the thin youth riding next to her. “Why would you do that, Nandito? Can you not work at one of your brother's ranches?”

Fernando Rivera cringed at the girl's use of his childhood name. He had repeatedly asked – no begged – her not to do so. “They all have skilled mayordomos, Teresa and my half-brothers would not be able to provide the same stipend as my being a soldier.”

Her lightly freckled face formed a frown. “You would be going away to California?”

“No. I plan to go to the presidio outside of Tepic to sign up. They still need many soldiers to ensure the Huichol and Cora stay in the mountains and do not follow the lead of the Yaquis and Mayos in Sonora.”

Doña Maria Teresa Dávalos y Patrón rode for several moments in silence.

Fernando Javier de Rivera y Moncada watched her out of the corner of his eye. They had known each other all their lives and, when they were but nine years of age, their parents had made formal arrangements for their betrothal and wedding. It was to happen “when each reached the proper age for matrimony.” How may I support her as she is accustomed to? Fernando asked himself.

Fact checking begins and ends with a writer, though a publisher and editors have a duty to do so as well, even for fiction. Contrarily, a convention of Golden Age science fiction and contemporary Golden Age revival is loose and fast play with "facts" that reflect cultural beliefs though factual errors. An example, animal species interacting that did not coexist; a civilization that did not exist in the region of a narrative's setting; a property of a circumstance, say a carnivorous plant, that the plant does not have, that is "elaborated" for dramatic effect; a local custom or tradition taken locally as factual, though illogical and controverted by documented evidence.

Fewer or no "factual" belief errors, though, is a convention the Digital Age introduced. With ready research access common place, factual knowledge has diminished areas where fanciful cultural beliefs once held out. Imaginative gossip, rumor, legend, beliefs, fantasy, imagination, etc., have become tarnished by precise facts, scientific validity, historical accuracy, logical and reasonable patterns and sequences. The Digital Age quashes the mysticisms of the old ages that express richly imaginative, meaningful metaphors for natural world and spiritual mysteries: a profound loss.

Yes, I don't submit without afterward feeling I could have further enhanced each narrative I thought beforehand was ready for debut.

longknife wrote:“Teresa. I am going to enlist in the cavalry.” [opening with a dialogue line is problematic, a disembodied voice speaking from a vacuum of setting development and no attribution tag for the speech; this is also a future event, best pratice to be in the moment of the unfolding action, though this dialogue can come up later soon]

The young girl with curly light brown hair turned in her saddle to look at the thin youth riding next to her. [character development before introduction of an antagonizing event delays developing tension's empathy or sympathy and curiosity that arouses reader rapport] “Why would you do that, Nandito? Can you not work at one of your brother's ranches?” [stiff, formal language, mostly pleasantries]

Fernando Rivera cringed at [visual sensations are as a best practice described visually and not summarized and explained, not "telling" what the emotional context and texture is--leave interpretation to readers so that their imaginations are the arbiters of meaning, which arouses curiosity at least, if not emotional rapport (sympathy or empathy), and engages readers' imaginations, engages readers generally, subtly] the girl's use of his childhood name. He had repeatedly asked – no begged – her not to do so. “They all have skilled mayordomos, Teresa and my half-brothers would not be able to provide the same stipend as my being a soldier.” [pleasantries--antagonism events most engage readers]

Her lightly freckled face formed a frown. [more character development without yet an emotional, antagonism anchor for readers to catch onto] “You would be going away to California?” [pleasantries--summary and explanation details--tell--note also a future circumstance, in the moment action and action progressing forward is preferrable]

“No. I plan to go to the presidio outside of Tepic to sign up. They still need many soldiers to ensure the Huichol and Cora stay in the mountains and do not follow the lead of the Yaquis and Mayos in Sonora.” [summary and explanation tell, no antagonism in the moment]

Doña Maria Teresa Dávalos y Patrón rode for several moments in silence. [this silence episode is an opportune moment to use introspection mode reflection for visual and aural, perhaps olfactory, sensations to develop setting in relation to the building crisis--that of Fernado's pending departure-- establish who the viewpoint character is, her thoughts about Fernado, what his plans mean to her, this way story time passage reflects and implies the passage of silent time]

Fernando Javier de Rivera y Moncada watched ["looking" descriptions double back, declare she watched him watch her watch hin watch her--endless loop summary and explanation--a dynamic description would avoid the eyes, see an antagonizing action that implies Fernado's covert action: an abrupt sign he looks away when she notices his probing glare, maybe hides his emotions from her] her out of the corner of his eye. They had known each other all their lives and, when they were but nine years of age, their parents had made formal arrangements for their betrothal and wedding [summary and explanation tell--the antagonism of consequence here is Fernado's military plans disrupt Teresa's wedding ambitions]. It was to happen “when each reached the proper age for matrimony.” How may I support her as she is accustomed to? Fernando asked himself.

An antagonizing event for openers might be a stronger way to begin this. From what's given, Fernando plans enlistment, disrupting Teresa and his wedding plans. A natural antagonzing tension of the moment might be Teresa suspects something bothers Fernando and Fernando is reluctant to reveal his plans. They ride side by side in awkward silence through a memorable setting, perhaps symbolic of their tense awkwardness, Teresa wanting Fernando to open up. The quiet moments between their dialogues can be filled with events and setting and character development, again, symbolic of their tension. The event of consequence could be, say, Teresa notes Fernando's uncommon shyness, that he avoids her, and she screams at him to just tell her . . .

I'm not sure which is the viewpoint character of the moment though. Both's thoughts are accessed. If the narrator is omniscient with full access to multiple character viewpoints, thoughts, sensations, reflections. etc., the narrator's narrative point of view should be prominent, expressing commentary, expressing evaluations of their actions and thoughts, have an emotional attitude toward the circumstances; in other words, be who with which readers align rapport, based on the narrator's moral attitude expressing disapproval, approval, whatever, about the two and their actions, including thought reflection actions.

This to me is an unsettled narrative point of view, awkwardly switching back and forth between Fernando and Teresa's viewpoints and no overt narrator viewpoint from which to experience the reality imitation. Frankly, my neck feels a little strained, whiplashed from turning inside out and outside in with no single vantage point from which to look into the portrait,

Otherwise, firmly establshing one or the other character as the viewpoint reflector stays in touch with one or the other character's reflected sensory perceptions, thought reflections, expressed emotional and moral attitudes. I favor Teresa, since she I feel is the more antagonized character at the moment, because Fernando reveals he will temporarily scorn their wedding plans in order to enlist, risk his life and their future together, and go off on an adventure and leave her behind to pine away bored, future stalled and uncertain, and at least temporarily rejected.

Thanks for the feedback.

As always, you make some great points.

The POV is already set - it has to be Fernando as he is the main character. It is, after all, the story of his heroic life. There will be plenty of suspense and conflict.

He will ride through territory in which thousands were slaughter and injured during a long Indian/Spanish war. From there, things get dicier as he goes to a greatly hostile environment, faces problems with a Spaniard who wishes to confront his authority at every turn, leads an expedition into the unknown, is passed over due to his birth, attains high position again only to find himself in constant conflict with the friars led by Father Serra, loses his position and has to ride 1,200 miles to his old home, retired and ends up financially ruined, accepts a nearly impossible task and is killed while trying to take settlers and livestock to establish Los Angeles.

Is that going to be enough conflict for you?