Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Just wrote this query on a whim.


In 1645 Trisinford, Logan and the Vox Atrum are hired assassins that are imprisoned and tortured by King Hartole for failing a mission. They manage to escape the ax and find safety in Aralia, a neighboring country ruled by King Comelious. Upon arrival, the men successfully manage to pull down a rebellion, earning the king’s seemingly generous asylum. Logan longs to be home again, but the ghosts of yesterday still weigh heavily on his mind as he is tortured by the little boy he was unable to save from death. Then Logan meets the angry and arrogant Princess Isadora, and she accuses him of murder, the rumors of his unconscionable acts of evil enough to create an intense dislike between them. But when King Comeilous betrays the Vox Atrum, Logan snaps, and feeling the sting of yet another betrayal from the monarchy, they kidnap the princess, demanding a ransom for her safe return. As the situation worsens, Logan finds himself divided between right and wrong, past and future, as he struggles to keep his men alive, while a young ghost tortures him with failures of the past. To make matters worse, Logan finds himself falling in love with the prideful princess whose anger he later finds is just a mask.

When Isadora realizes she is merely a pawn in her father’s game of politics, she defies him and struggles to discover who she is outside of the strict confines of her role as princess. She begins to slowly unravel the puzzle that is Logan, discovering his painful secret, and the more she learns about him, the more she learns about herself and what it truly means to be a princess of Aralia.

This can be edited a lot more, wrote it in an hour. Is it too confusing? There's a lot of information so it might be cluttered.

I think you've done a great job summarizing your novel here, but in my opinion it's not really a query - its more of a short synopsis. We need to know who Logan is, what drives him and why he wants to do what he does. Is the book told from Logan's and the princess's perspectives? If not, and its only told in Logan's, then you can omit the paragraph about the princess. Its not necessary to the query. I'm not entirely sure your YA Historical Fiction is the right genre either - I think (and correct me if I'm wrong) a historical fiction novel has to be related to an actual event in time, not a made up event in time. Your genre might be more fantasy or fiction.

Develop Logan's character in your query a bit more (and tell us how old he is right away) and try again. And as always, make that first sentence REALLY count

~Kristie

A great bit of advice I received some time ago

Write your pitch for you novel in no more than 25 words!!!

That's it. The nuts and bolts of the story.

If it catches the eyes of a publisher or agent, they will ask for me.

Remember, they are far too busy to read more than a brief word. Make it businesslike and show you appreciate how busy they are and that you don't wish to waste their time.

Good luck.

As for the story, I'm not certain who is who or why they must do whatever it is they're supposed to do.