Nathan Bransford - The Forums

tomsleepy wrote:Hey all,
Long-time reader of Nathan's blog and long-time lurker in the forums. After 3+ years working on a novel, I'm ready to submit a query letter. While Twain's advice to writers to not befriend other writers has served me well, the credo does me no favors when seeking feedback for my query letter. Please review my hook/synopsis/bio and feel free to offer any suggestions (especially for cuts). Be brutal--better you than a prospective agent. Two other things: 1) I'll offer my own feedback on other queries/topics. 2) My query contains no word count. Why? Because it is long (200,000 words long). Possible impediments to publication already include the following: first novel, "literary," set in Omaha, character-driven, etc. So why add another obstacle in length? Is this disingenuous? Unconstructive? Harmful? Thanks in advance for your advice!

NO. You're being purposely deceitful to improve your chances? You say you read Nathan's blog, then you KNOW not only 1) NOT TO DO THIS, but 2) your novel needs work because you need to cut it in half. Make it two novels if you must, but 200k is *unacceptable*, and leaving the count out b/c you KNOW this is even LESS acceptable.

Dear Mr./Ms. So and so,
Char Sebastian navigates the converging absurdities of life as a high school senior (his 3rd high school in 4 yrs no less) while also living in America under late 2nd term Bush, with one goal in mind: Escaping Omaha.

PURGATORY BRIDGE is Char’s comic quest to “get out of Dodge,” a prospect unenhanced even by the pact between General Grenville Dodge and Honest Abe which established the Transcontinental Railroad’s eastern terminus between Omaha and Council Bluffs. {I had to read that a couple times to figure out you were explaining your cliche literally.] Instead, Char frequents an abandoned bridge stunted midway between two states, looking behind towards childhood with nostalgia and disdain, and ahead towards an adulthood he fears as destiny—feeling twice banished. Were he to escape, who would accept the role of Switchman should the Missouri River’s channel switch again? [Why does he feel twice banished, and a big HUH? to the Switchman. What does that mean? Why is it significant?] Dare he leave behind his cousin/best friend Wade, a college freshman and chameleon, who himself has abandoned a trail of bodies long enough to make a serial killer jealous; or Fr. Murphy, his school counselor and provider of JUST (“Justice Under Saintly Tribunal”) work detentions, who sometimes protests missile sites dressed like a clown as part of a group calling themselves Jesters for Jesus; or his father, Leo, who insists even Smokey the Bear harbors a Communist agenda; or Petra, his rich, ballet dancer girlfriend of Russian (but not Commie) descent; or his stepmom Dutch, daughter of a hot dog magnate, who believes the Rapture is at hand; or his overworked, recovering-addict mother, Lila? (CUT ALL OF THAT.} Plus, there’s the gravitational force of Omaha itself, a city known for bewitching natives into stasis, a place more “settled for” than “settled,” populated by the descendents [please use spellcheck] of pioneers who gave up halfway to dreams of gold, lured instead by the siren’s song of ample parking, bland accents, and large grasshoppers. Will our hero (and occasional inadvertent highway stowaway) succeed with Operation Omaha Liberation, or become another soul mired in purgatory (or is it limbo?), stuck, as the speaker in the Sandburg poem suggests, in the middle of “nowhere?” Ooble gobble, gooble gobble. One. Of. Us! [This is just awkward. And you've spent almost 350 words to tell us Char doesn't know if he should leave home or not? Where are your stakes? Where is your conflict?]

Woahhhh, text block. You have too much in here. We don't need all those character descriptions. This is cluttered and diluted. Trim, man! (And it gives me and inkling that you can definitely chop your novel up if it reads the same way.)

“Purgatory Bridge” is a comic, poignant, and exhilarating literary novel about love, risk, balloon attacks, rejection, and acceptance for a high-school senior on the brink of freedom and limitless possibilities. It’s about interconnected histories—public and familial, shared and private--and the quest to escape familial and cultural trajectories.

Don't tell us what your book is. Show us. This entire query is nothing but telling, and it doesn't tell us much of anything - it's a bunch of overwrought description. I really think you need to start over. Who is your protag, what does he want, why does he want it, what stands in his way (an actual antagonist, I hope), what are the stakes? I recognize literary fiction can be a bit more liberal in its definition of a 'plot' but it still must be able to answer those questions. And a query should never be longer than a page.

Beginnings and endings are boring, as are enervated lefts and rights, and effete easts and wests. This is a novel of middles, about how we maneuver from one place to another. Only to discover, like Lewis and Clark, that sometimes you’re an explorer, sometimes you’re a witness—but either way you blaze an inefficient trail towards where you want to be. Cut, cut, cut.

This is my first novel. I have an M.A. in Literature from Boston College and I have published pieces in The Denver Post and Literal Latte. I am currently a tech writer at a risk management software company where I write online help, so I am adept at boring enormous audiences of people. Though I live in the Chicago area, I am originally from Omaha.

I’m querying you because (insert reason here). Upon your request, I am prepared to send the complete manuscript. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Sincerely,