Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Sorry for not posting for sooooooooooooooooooooo long, just finished my book first Need help in Query and synopsis. Query first.

Prince Tamiron Lluch, prince of the Trasidar Empire of the Far East, in an unexpected and bold move. Betrays the empire without any explanation.Totaling its army in one attack. Threatening the security of the empire for their fall would mean, the fall of the remaining seven kingdoms swiftly. The empire calls out the mightiest warriors of the remaining kingdoms; Evangeling, Ravaen, Glaviel, Sevidon, Kaira, Graveloth and Aderon. They must stop the renegade prince at all costs to secure the safety of the eight kingdoms. But in order to do so; they must kill him, which is the last thing they want to do, for they want to hear his side on why he turned against his beloved empire.

Now the fate of the peaceful kingdoms hangs in the balance for they have to stop Prince Tamiron at all costs, without taking his life, and should they fail, would mean the demise of the eight kingdoms.

Needs some cleaning up. I am no expert, but here goes.

Prince Tamiron Lluch, prince of the Trasidar Empire of the Far East, boldly betrays the empire without any explanation.

(Totaling its army in one attack--doesn't make sense. Did Prince Lluch take out their army in one attack?)

cleaner) Any substantial threat to the security of the empire could cause the remaining seven kingdoms to crumble.

(Who is the leader of "empire"? The reader needs more info as to WHO he is betraying if not why. It's also unclear who the main protagonist is. Are there multiple voices?)

The empire calls out the mightiest warriors of the remaining kingdoms; Evangeling, Ravaen, Glaviel, Sevidon, Kaira, Graveloth and Aderon. They must stop the renegade prince at all costs to secure the safety of the eight kingdoms. But in order to do so; they must kill him, which is the last thing they want to do. His unexpected withdrawal from his beloved empire begs questions that need answers.

Now the fate of the peaceful kingdoms hangs in the balance between the warriors and Prince Tamiron at all costs. If they fail to take his life the demise of all eight kingdoms is at stake.

I would open with main protagonist(s), setting, problem, and the call of duty to the warriors in paragraph one. Are there any other twists and turns to include?