Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi guys, I've gone through countless revisions and have even worked with professionals to write this. After bleeding at my keyboard and not being able to find the name of the demon I have to summon to land a literary agent, this is the query I have. I am open to creative brutality.

Dear (Agent),

Invisible to the naked eye, the Haze flows harmlessly through the air. While it passes through most, there are those it gathers and thickens around who can harness its power—Deviants, the very people the governments of Earth have kept secret for centuries.

Eighteen years old and the only thing Cal Espers is good for is his sharp tongue and skills with a bow—little good that does in the tedious battle for social vitality. But when the mutilated monsters appear and ravage the streets of Mobile, Alabama, Cal’s sassy childhood friend, Nia, gets lost in the chaos. Cal risks his life to find her when he encounters one of the otherworldly abominations. His trump card: a stolen bow. But it isn’t the arrow that shatters the creature’s invisible shield, it’s Cal’s ability to harness the Haze. Cal is a Deviant.

The Haze is thickening, releasing more monsters by the second, and the governments of Earth are left with one choice: find and annihilate all Deviants in hopes of dispersing it entirely. The only way Cal and Nia can avoid execution is to banish the Haze around them by completing their design—a goal they are given as Deviants.

If they can even figure out what the hell it is.

Monsters appear where the Haze is thickest, and that seems to be wherever Cal and Nia go. Until he can figure out his design, Cal must use his archery to stay alive and protect the one person he cares about. The governments want his head; the monsters want his blood. He’s never been hesitant to release the string, but he’s no longer shooting for self-satisfaction; now he’s shooting to kill.

Our 84,000-word YA urban fantasy, DEVIANT will appeal to older YA readers of the MORTAL INSTRUMENTS and WOLVES OF MERCY FALLS series as it is told from multiple viewpoints. Nia's narrative voice is reminiscent of Zoey Redbird in the HOUSE OF NIGHT series while Cal's witty, sarcastic voice will resonate with readers of John Green. Thank you for your time and consideration.


Sincerely,

(Yada yada yada)

Dear (Agent),

Invisible to the naked eye, the Haze flows harmlessly through the air. While it passes through most, there are those it gathers and thickens around who can harness its power—Deviants, the very people the governments of Earth have kept secret for centuries.

18-year-old Cal Espers is only good with his sharp tongue and a bow—which is of little use in the tedious battle for social vitality. But when the mutilated monsters appear from the Haze and ravage the streets of Mobile, Alabama, Cal’s sassy childhood friend, Nia, gets lost in the chaos. Cal goes after her, risking his life when he encounters one of the otherworldly abominations. His trump card: a stolen bow. But it isn’t the arrow that shatters the creature’s invisible shield, it’s Cal’s ability to harness the Haze. Cal is a Deviant.

The Haze is thickening, releasing more monsters by the second, and the governments of Earth are left with one choice: find and annihilate all Deviants in hopes of dispersing it entirely. The only way Cal and Nia can avoid execution is to banish the Haze around them by completing their design—a goal they are given as Deviants.

If they can even figure out what the hell it is.

(Monsters appear where the Haze is thickest, and that's where Cal and Nia go.) Until he can figure out his design, Cal must use his archery to stay alive and protect the one person he cares about. The governments want his head; the monsters want his blood. He’s never been hesitant to release the string, but he’s no longer shooting for self-satisfaction; now he’s shooting to kill.

(Clear, but somewhat redundant. You mention above that the monsters appear from the Haze above and that deviants are near the Haze.)

Our 84,000-word YA urban fantasy, DEVIANT will appeal to older YA readers of the MORTAL INSTRUMENTS and WOLVES OF MERCY FALLS series as it is told from multiple viewpoints. Nia's narrative voice is reminiscent of Zoey Redbird in the HOUSE OF NIGHT series while Cal's witty, sarcastic voice will resonate with readers of John Green. Thank you for your time and consideration.

WOW. Great final paragraph. You show you know your market. Great job.

It's around 344 words and your bio isn't attached. I would get it down to 300 words at least as there are a few sentences that can be combined. Since you said “our” I assume there are 2 writers in your partnership (that's awesome, same here!), and your bios are both going in. Write two separate paragraphs with your personal blurbs in them, if you haven't already. It looks neater and that's the advice I got from a few professional writers.

I actually want to read this book. Good luck! Since this is so well written, do you mind checking mine out when I post and offering up advice? Beneath the Cypress Tree.