Cookie wrote:Sanderling: Wow, that is a lot of world-building. I can imagine perfectly the type of town that he lives in. Also, I am intrigued to find out how he got into that accident. My guess is something supernatural happened.
This comment was very enlightening, Cookie - the protagonist is a girl, but I didn't realize that because of the first-person POV, this isn't made obvious till someone says her name 650 words in. Thanks for bringing that to my attention.
And yes, something supernatural happened ...but being a pantser, I don't know what it was yet.
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Lots of great new additions! I'm so impressed with everyone's writing skill so far - not a cringe-worthy one in the lot.
Here're my comments, catching up:
Cookie - This is really well-written, and I think captures the character of the boys really well. Stylistically I don't have much to say. However, I felt like it was the opening to a chapter, rather than to a novel. A chapter opening is tethered on either side by the rest of the manuscript, but a novel opening needs to be solid enough to anchor the book. This seems to be Kazunari's story, but the opening action focuses on Yaten. Without knowing what comes after, I might be inclined to cut out the first few paragraphs and start at “Kazunari, are you still in there?” instead - the point that Yaten wants to go and is throwing a fit could be quickly summarized in a sentence at the end of that paragraph.
ladymarella - You sure catch a reader's attention with that first line! I like the premise of this as an opening. I would caution that you make sure the language is strictly period, though, especially when in the form of a letter. You've done a good job of this for most of it - "which I find quite spiteful" and "I received Josiah Sharpay" are very period, and even without reading a date on the letter I can get a good sense of where and when the letter-writer lived. But watch that casual, more modern words such as "Anyway" don't sneak in and ruin the effect. On a different note, she doesn't seem as though she's overly upset by her husband's death - this may be intentional, but I thought I'd mention it in case it wasn't.
meganstirler - I have to admit that I'm not that fond of openings that leave the reader in the dark about important details for a few or several paragraphs. I know some people who find the mystery builds tension or intrigue, but I just find it frustrating. That said, the writing itself is well done, and I feel as though, had I been allowed to read another page or two further the questions created by the first two paragraphs would all have been answered.
Sommer Leigh - I really liked this opening. Like Brenda, I was a little confused immediately about just which setting we were in, but I think if you merged the first and second paragraphs it would make more sense that the bit about Zoe searching for the new route is still flashback. Also, partway in, you wrote, "the doctor tied off a rubber strap around her upper arm where it bit and stretched her skin" and my first interpretation was that the "where it" part was referring to a location on her arm, not the action of the rubber strap.
It's possible all it needs is a comma for clarification. Both the first and third sentences of that paragraph are passive voice, too; I think the first one works okay, but I'd change the third one to start with the person who is placing the ball in her fingers. Great writing, though, and very intriguing. Also, congrats on 1000 posts.
sierramcconnell - You've done a good job with the writing in this opening. I admit to being a little confused at first through that first paragraph or two, as a bunch of unfamiliar names and associations are thrown at the reader (for instance, the banter about the pulse makes no sense on its own, which leaves us to assume the tree-creature hitting Pov's face is Sergei, except then who's this super-angry Hector?). What I said about megan's opening applies here, too, to a lesser degree; I don't like to have more than one or two questions after the first few paragraphs.
I really like your first two sentences, though - just that there gives me a pretty good idea of the sort of character Pov is.
cheekychook - I really like the banter you've introduced between these two characters. I think your writing's very smooth, too. I did, however, feel that the first few lines, from "Marry me, Julia" to "Is that all?" felt a little forced, more like the author was trying for a really good opening hook than because the characters would actually have said that series of dialogue. It makes the male character seem somewhat melodramatic, especially if he's asking this after just three fittings.
If you want a spontaneous question for a hook, though, given that he's part of a band doing a tour he could say "Come with me to New York, Julia" or something like that.
trixie - Your writing is quite strong for most of this opening. The only spot that I thought could use improvement was "Looking at the items she had pulled together for her new project, Jo exhaled sharply, blowing her brunette bangs up in the air. The bell dinged again and Jo resisted the urge to scream" - this felt a little over-acted. I also agree with Brenda on the extra description - especially considering that there's an impatient customer waiting at the front desk.
The descriptive paragraphs are good, but I think should be moved down a bit later if you don't want to trim them. I loved this expression of frustration: “Jesus, they’re antiques, people,” she muttered. “They get better with age.”
Aimée - Another well-written opening. I'll confess that I thought at first that this was a murder mystery and the naked girl with the red stilettos was the victim. I had to read it twice to realize that the first door clicking closed was the bedroom or the apartment door, not the closet door where the MC was hiding; also, it's not clear what the MC is doing in the closet in the first place, which leaves me feeling a bit confused. I agree with the MC's mom - I like well-groomed long hair on a man. Though my preference is more to wavy than curly... I tend to pull up images of Weird Al Yankovic with the latter.
I really like the personal story that's introduced in that final paragraph, especially the final sentence, but think it probably wouldn't actually be something that was going through the MC's mind as he's crawling across the floor trying not to wake up a sleeping naked girl. My mental running commentary would probably be something along the lines of "Crap, crap, crap, crap, please don't wake up, please don't wake up, I'm so screwed, oh crap, oh crap".
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