Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Robin wrote:Wow! Thank you both for your feedback. Maybe I need to rework that pitch, I don't want my MS to be misconstrued as a romantic-its-all-about-a-boy-type book. If thats how it came across, I've failed.

I was shooting for a thriller-must-read-it.

Back to the drawing board.

Wait. It was just a take. Because your lead-in line was about the conflict between mom and daughter and the boy, I made an "assumption" and took it as the lead in.

Since, it's not, that's very good information.

I'd clarify what the Main Conflict is and keep in mind that a One Line Pitch is meant to sell that baby.

Also, if the MC is not a YA, maybe to not emphasize the "boy" and "the mother" in the pitch part: two roles that signify YA to a lot of people.

Women can have mother problems. Anyone can have problems at any age with their family differences and confusions. But adding in "boy" (as opposed to guy or man or love-interest, etc.) and mother-conflict points it more-so towards YA where boy-interests are going to rise above just about everything else going on. (All those hormones and what to do with them!)

But, most important, is to locate the "hook" and wrap the One Line Pitch around that.

(I myself find that incredibly hard to do. I want two sentences and twice as many words. How to do it in one sentence with your own novel without coming off generic (i.e., it could fit any novel) is very tricky business!)

bcomet wrote:

Robin wrote:Wow! Thank you both for your feedback. Maybe I need to rework that pitch, I don't want my MS to be misconstrued as a romantic-its-all-about-a-boy-type book. If thats how it came across, I've failed.

I was shooting for a thriller-must-read-it.

Back to the drawing board.

Wait. It was just a take. Because your lead-in line was about the conflict between mom and daughter and the boy, I made an "assumption" and took it as the lead in.

Since, it's not, that's very good information.

I'd clarify what the Main Conflict is and keep in mind that a One Line Pitch is meant to sell that baby.

Also, if the MC is not a YA, maybe to not emphasize the "boy" and "the mother" in the pitch part: two roles that signify YA to a lot of people.

Women can have mother problems. Anyone can have problems at any age with their family differences and confusions. But adding in "boy" (as opposed to guy or man or love-interest, etc.) and mother-conflict points it more-so towards YA where boy-interests are going to rise above just about everything else going on. (All those hormones and what to do with them!)

But, most important, is to locate the "hook" and wrap the One Line Pitch around that.

(I myself find that incredibly hard to do. I want two sentences and twice as many words. How to do it in one sentence with your own novel without coming off generic (i.e., it could fit any novel) is very tricky business!)

Its YA... crap. back. to. drawing board. :(

so hard to do........................

Man, if it is YA, you've GOT the right elements!

It can be about more than the boy, of course, but that's a BIG YA Hook.

Thrillers invoke fear from what protagonists risk. That and pity for a protagonist's predicament make up an emotional cluster for building reader rapport through empathy.

Ata's stakes as given are facing a mythical truth, a deadly foe, and a love so pure it might kill her. What's specifically most at stake? Facing the mythical truth might be a competition with the deadly foe, something that only one or the other can attain, therefore, a nemesis, where only one contender can win. A love so pure it might kill her suggests to me a self-sacrifice which could take Ata out of contention.

Consider Ata's personal and public stakes and I think the pitch core will clear up. Her personal stakes are given and relate to theme as it relates to conflict, life or death and acceptance or rejection. A bit of public stakes might pose the foe as a self-serving villain bent on corrupting a profound aspect relevant for the target audience. There's something going on in the mythical truth that might pose answers, something specific perhaps.

Recently wrote up some of these for my WIPs, so I'll throw one out here :-) This one is for Aisuru, To Love, my young adult fantasy romance. I tweaked it a bit after reading the earlier responses to others pitches :-D

A dying high school girl finds companionship and love in the guise of a demon prince who moves in after falling into her garden.

Alternative:

A dying high school girl finds a reason to live in a demon house crasher who offers her love, while bringing her closer than ever to the end of her life.

Collectonian wrote:Recently wrote up some of these for my WIPs, so I'll throw one out here :-) This one is for Aisuru, To Love, my young adult fantasy romance. I tweaked it a bit after reading the earlier responses to others pitches :-D

A dying high school girl finds companionship and love in the guise of a demon prince who moves in after falling into her garden.

Alternative:

A dying high school girl finds a reason to live in a demon house crasher who offers her love, while bringing her closer than ever to the end of her life.

I really like the first one with one small tweak:

A dying high school girl finds companionship and love in the guise of a demon prince who falls into her garden (and possibly also ending with: and then moves in with her).

And, in the second one: Just clarifying that it's a demon who's a house crasher and not a demon who crashes houses. :-)

A dying high school girl finds a reason to live in a demon house-crasher who offers her love, while bringing her closer than ever to the end of her life.

Let's try this one. This is what I came up with so far for my sci-fi WIP, Nightfall;

A search and rescue team always fought time to give hope, to save others, to be always remembered – but vanished from memories and being completely forgotten they must fight time once more to save all of us or we’ll be all forgotten.

Collectonian wrote:A dying high school girl finds companionship and love in the guise of a demon prince who moves in after falling into her garden.

Alternative:

A dying high school girl finds a reason to live in a demon house crasher who offers her love, while bringing her closer than ever to the end of her life.

I see a potential situation for comedy, drama, romance, maybe all three. Situations for me have power to evoke curiosity when they're exotic, like kids trading corndogs for a spaceship, blasting off into space and breaking the universe, paraphrasing Mr. Bransford's pitch for Jacob Wonderbar and the Cosmic Space Kapow. Jeez, that must be memorable. I can't let it go. Situations with everyday real-world parallels for me don't have as much power to evoke curiosity.

The demon prince closely resembles the unexpected visitor we know all too well who overstays and outwears his welcome. Ripe for comedy, situation comedies, perhaps not as ripe for situation drama as I project the pitch's theme and life or death conflict suggests. I feel this pitch asks for something intimately personal at stake with public ramifications. Sure, pending death is about as intimate as it gets, although death faces us all. I don't know, something about what causes the girl's premature confrontation with mortality or the effect, perhaps derangement from knowing it'll all be over too tragically soon. Though I think I'd like more to see what brings her away from the brink and gives back her hope so the outcome remains in doubt until the bitter end.

And a demon lover, aren't they all demons at times?

Guardian wrote:A search and rescue team always fought time to give hope, to save others, to be always remembered – but vanished from memories and being completely forgotten they must fight time once more to save all of us or we’ll be all forgotten.

The pitch tries hard to ooh and ahh with awe and wonder. I wonder if it's trying too hard and winding up vague instead. I see a cosmic search and rescue unit set in a time travel scenario and time's running out for the future. I think some specificity is called for. A parallel I see is ocean rescue SAR units who go out on an SOS whispered into the void, flying on a wing and prayer and rescue ill-fated aviators and mariners felled by nature's capricious temperament and their own self-serving shortcomings. In other words, what's the First Cause?

//Search and Rescue Unit Able-Tango-Forty is all but forgotten until a mayday summons them to the sanctuary of the long-banished Unmaker.// Just blue-sky projecting.

Thanks for the feedback both of you :-)

polymath wrote: I don't know, something about what causes the girl's premature confrontation with mortality or the effect, perhaps derangement from knowing it'll all be over too tragically soon. Though I think I'd like more to see what brings her away from the brink and gives back her hope so the outcome remains in doubt until the bitter end.

I'll have to think about how to summarize it in a shorter form. She was stabbed repeatedly years ago which left her heart and lungs permanently damaged and they are close to failing. Maybe...

With only months left to live, a reclusive high school girl finds companionship and love in the guise of a demon prince who falls into her garden.

Hopefully makes it clearer that it is a more dramatic piece. I wonder if I should add something about why the demon prince fell into her garden....

polymath wrote:And a demon lover, aren't they all demons at times?

LOL, nope, not some of them :-)

polymath wrote:The pitch tries hard to ooh and ahh with awe and wonder. I wonder if it's trying too hard and winding up vague instead. I see a cosmic search and rescue unit set in a time travel scenario and time's running out for the future. I think some specificity is called for.

Thank you very much. I see your points. Actually, I created this one-liner from the planned second trailer's marketing script. These words, with slight modifications, would connect the scenes there and they would work with the pictures and animations. There, to bring out the ooh and aah is the essence. :) Although sometimes the ooh and aah with awe and wonder is the necessary element to grab the attention.

So, let's try these new versions;

1: Cmdr. Harlan and his elite search and rescue team is never asked to be remembered for their heroic actions - but now they wish to be remembered after they're all vanished from memories and being forgotten since they've boarded a ghost starship what for also no one remembers.

2: Cmdr. Harlan and his search and rescue team always fought time to give hope, to save others, to be always remembered – but vanished from memories and being completely forgotten since they've boarded a ghost starship what for also no one remembers, they must fight time once more to save all of us or we’ll be all forgotten.

3: Cmdr. Harlan and his search and rescue team answers a distress call of a ghost starship, what for no one remembers as it's never existed - but onboard the ship Harlan starts to remember for one of the crew members; his wife he has also forgotten.

4: Cmdr. Harlan and his search and rescue team answers a distress call of a ghost starship what for no one remembers, as it's never existed - yet it was built and commissioned in the not so distant past.

The first two is rather giving a full picture about the whole story, while the second two is telling only the beginning. The catch is; there is no time travel, not even parallel dimensions (See #3; there is a common past between the MC and one of the ship's crew member in the story), and the rescue team is well known and remembered... until they're stepping aboard the ship. And the ship is also from the past as it was commissioned few months earlier. Simply: no one remembers for it.