Re: Bengali Girls Don't -- new version on page 3
Posted: September 23rd, 2010, 12:08 pm
Hi Zakariya,
Here are my thoughts on your query:
When a dying Bangladeshi woman stares into a picture of her and her father, she relives her troubled past, beginning with the day her father gave her a pair of brand-new roller skates and ending with her forced marriage. It seemed like a lot of reliving happening during a moment of staring into a picture. Personally, I think the query would be snappier if you started it with the next paragraph.
Meet Luky: a Bangladeshi Muslim girl living in 1980s England. A lover of short skirts, makeup, and boyfriends, she hates when her parents say “But Bengali girls don’t . . .” every time she wants to do something fun, so she starts sneaking out after dark, going to parties when she’s supposed to be at the library, and trading her salwar kameezes for blue jeans the minute she leaves the house. Consider breaking this lengthy sentence into smaller ones. I think doing so would serve to hilight the interesting aspects of the character.
For example: Meet Luky: a Bangladeshi Muslim girl living in 1980s England. She loves short skirts, makeup, and boyfriends and hates being told, "Bengali girls don’t . . ." every time she wants to do something fun. She sneaks out after dark, and goes to parties instead of studying at the library, trading her salwar kameezes for blue jeans the minute she leaves the house."
But when her father catches her with a Pakistani boy, he tricks her into going to Bangladesh by telling her her uncle is dying.I liked this. Maybe it can be reworded to avoid the double "her her", which I think is disconcerting (others, of course, might be fine with it).
In Bangladesh, Luky discovers the truth. Her uncle is alive and well and the guy her parents want her to marry is a 30-year-old man who lives with his mother.Good. Consider tightened the 2nd sentence to: Her uncle is alive and well and her parents want her to marry a 30-year-old man who lives with his mother.
In a panic, she calls her boyfriend and tells him her uncle has taken her passport and her parents are planning to marry her off. There's some redundancy here. The query has aleady told us of her parent's plan.
Her mother tells her not to worry, that as soon as she gets married and her husband gets his visa, which shouldn’t take too long, she can go back to England. I think "which shouldn't take too long" could be removed.
But as the days and weeks go by and the wedding slips to the rear-view, I felt this was an awkward way of stating that days and weeks go by after the wedding...
Luky looks to her belly, which is eight months pregnant, Luky is pregnant, not her belly.
and then to the letter on the table, the giant red stamp that says Application Denied, and wonders if she’ll ever get home. I really liked this ending because it leaves the reader wanting to know what happens to Luky. But, I think you're using some details as part of the explanation, and I felt that specifically stating the plot, in this case, might work better. For example: Luky's visa application is denied. After she discovers that she's pregnant, she wonders if she'll ever get home.
Inspired by a true story, BENGALI GIRLS DON’T is my first novel.
Sounds like an interesting story. Hope this helps.
Here are my thoughts on your query:
When a dying Bangladeshi woman stares into a picture of her and her father, she relives her troubled past, beginning with the day her father gave her a pair of brand-new roller skates and ending with her forced marriage. It seemed like a lot of reliving happening during a moment of staring into a picture. Personally, I think the query would be snappier if you started it with the next paragraph.
Meet Luky: a Bangladeshi Muslim girl living in 1980s England. A lover of short skirts, makeup, and boyfriends, she hates when her parents say “But Bengali girls don’t . . .” every time she wants to do something fun, so she starts sneaking out after dark, going to parties when she’s supposed to be at the library, and trading her salwar kameezes for blue jeans the minute she leaves the house. Consider breaking this lengthy sentence into smaller ones. I think doing so would serve to hilight the interesting aspects of the character.
For example: Meet Luky: a Bangladeshi Muslim girl living in 1980s England. She loves short skirts, makeup, and boyfriends and hates being told, "Bengali girls don’t . . ." every time she wants to do something fun. She sneaks out after dark, and goes to parties instead of studying at the library, trading her salwar kameezes for blue jeans the minute she leaves the house."
But when her father catches her with a Pakistani boy, he tricks her into going to Bangladesh by telling her her uncle is dying.I liked this. Maybe it can be reworded to avoid the double "her her", which I think is disconcerting (others, of course, might be fine with it).
In Bangladesh, Luky discovers the truth. Her uncle is alive and well and the guy her parents want her to marry is a 30-year-old man who lives with his mother.Good. Consider tightened the 2nd sentence to: Her uncle is alive and well and her parents want her to marry a 30-year-old man who lives with his mother.
In a panic, she calls her boyfriend and tells him her uncle has taken her passport and her parents are planning to marry her off. There's some redundancy here. The query has aleady told us of her parent's plan.
Her mother tells her not to worry, that as soon as she gets married and her husband gets his visa, which shouldn’t take too long, she can go back to England. I think "which shouldn't take too long" could be removed.
But as the days and weeks go by and the wedding slips to the rear-view, I felt this was an awkward way of stating that days and weeks go by after the wedding...
Luky looks to her belly, which is eight months pregnant, Luky is pregnant, not her belly.
and then to the letter on the table, the giant red stamp that says Application Denied, and wonders if she’ll ever get home. I really liked this ending because it leaves the reader wanting to know what happens to Luky. But, I think you're using some details as part of the explanation, and I felt that specifically stating the plot, in this case, might work better. For example: Luky's visa application is denied. After she discovers that she's pregnant, she wonders if she'll ever get home.
Inspired by a true story, BENGALI GIRLS DON’T is my first novel.
Sounds like an interesting story. Hope this helps.