Nathan Bransford - The Forums

kymberry wrote:
From my finished (woo!) MG fantasy

My new Cursed life began four days after my eleventh birthday.

Congratulations on finishing, kymberry. I wanted to comment on yours because I write MG too. I like your first line and would want to keep reading. I'd give it an 8 or 9.

Here's mine from my current WIP, a contemporary MG:

Girls named Felicity should not be allowed to play tag football with boys, especially withTimothy Williams.

Name of Novel - Devin Briar

Life had a way of being whatever the moment intended, not what Devin Briar desired.

henyad wrote:

thecolour wrote:Yea! First post. Anyway, I'm kind of hating it right now, but here it is.

"At the end of a very short lane sits a very large house with far too many windows and hardly any doors. "

Shorten the sentence. i suggest you cut out the "very" and the "far" and what does "hardly" mean? 2 doors? one door?

Has great promise.

I actually think following this suggestion would kill the voice. The repeated words gives me a very fairy tale feel.

First sentence from my (almost finished) WIP -- as you'll see, it's sci-fi...

"The dusky sunset gleamed off the tops of the habitat domes, strewn about the surface of Mars like a cluster of acne."

"The dusky sunset gleamed off the tops of the habitat domes, strewn about the surface of Mars like a cluster of acne."

Your opening sentence makes me curious about what the rest of your manuscript would be like. When I read the first half, I thought it sounded vaguely like purple prose. And then the final simile shattered that image.

Oh, goodness...

Here is mine:

The steel sword was heavy in his hands and pulled on his already taxed arms.

Aaaaand in saying that, I realize I called his sword iron in another section. [goes to correct]

From my YA novel, Depot 753:

Despite having spent the afternoon dreading its arrival, the harsh sound of the bell caught James by surprise, and it took a moment for him to realise where he was.

"Lanna stifled another yawn, one of many her day-to-day living produced." That's from the book I've just begun.

"Every ounce of flesh vibrated with the motion of his bomber." That one is from the book out with a beta right now.

I'll be interpreting "sentence" as "paragraph". This is the beginning of book 1 of my kids' fantasy adventure trilogy.

THE MONSTER APPRENTICE

I awoke from a dead sleep – for once, a sleep without nightmares. My bedroom was pitch black and silent, but my heart was racing. Then the sound came again – a man shouting at the top of his voice. He pounded at my family’s front door.

Catalina Flores de la Peña's tongue got her in more trouble than any other part of her body, even though there were far more likely candidates.

dgaughran wrote:Catalina Flores de la Peña's tongue got her in more trouble than any other part of her body, even though there were far more likely candidates.

Excellent. :)

Down the well wrote:

dgaughran wrote:Catalina Flores de la Peña's tongue got her in more trouble than any other part of her body, even though there were far more likely candidates.

Excellent. :)

It goes downhill from there, but very, very slowly.

From THE FERRYMAN

Charlie had been a ferryman since the day he died.

dgaughran wrote:Catalina Flores de la Peña's tongue got her in more trouble than any other part of her body, even though there were far more likely candidates.

I just gotta chime in long enough to say I love this one. I'd DEFINITELY keep reading.

Mark17 wrote:Charlie had been a ferryman since the day he died.

Nice. I immediately think of Charon, which makes me want to keep reading. I'm getting a MG or YA feel, though it's just one sentence.