TO STAND BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR oh so very rough of a draft

[Ghost in the Machine]

Hi Serzen,

The river paragraphs are lovely. Beautiful, beautiful writing. Just two little comments.

A river meanders through this part of the country, constantly carrying someone's past into someone else's future. Dunningston is the present, a clean start. Kerring is the past, a messy, confusing place. Further upstream lies the ultimate past, shut out from memory, even by name.

Comment: “Further upstream” got tripped up in my head. For some reason I think the word “further” should go with “downstream.” I like “Back upstream” better, but this could be a personal quirk. My brain’s wiring is suspect.

A trip from Dunningston to Kerring upsets the natural flow of memory, bringing a past best left behind into the present.

A small trickle begets a great flood and a short period of isolation is enough to shred the facade of sanity, bare a soul and leave nothing but hope for release.

This is the story of a person swept away by that torrent, a recounting of a trip through deadly mental rapids. It is, ultimately, the story of an out of control mind rushing to empty itself in serenity.

Comment: “an out of control mind rushing to empty itself in serenity.” I’m not following this. Do you mean “rushing to empty itself in order to obtain serenity”?

TO STAND BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is a brief work of literary fiction; it's 40,000 words are delivered entirely in the second person. Using a combination of dreams, memories and hallucinations to offset the recounting of current events, the narrative describes a reality that is both distorted and enhanced by the filter of madness.

Okay, three comments.

Comment: In most queries, a paragraph like this would be hammered for “telling” instead of showing. But in your case, I think an exception is in order. But the second sentence troubles me. It’s long and complicated.

Quick Fix Suggestion: Using a combination of dreams, memories and hallucinations to offset current events, the narrative describes a reality both distorted and enhanced by madness.

Thoughts: Wow, I thought queries were tough, but you have brought it to a whole new level. Your book is purposely confusing and disorienting. You want the query to reflect that, but queries must be the exact opposite—clear and understandable. This quandary is worse than Rubik cubes and Chinese finger puzzles.

The river paragraphs are wonderful, but do they make a query? I’m totally out of my league on this one. What does the agent get out of this query? Number one: clear evidence of great writing and that’s a big plus. But do the river paragraphs say enough about the actual story? We have two cities representing the past and future, and oncoming madness prompted by a short period of isolation. That worries me.

Let’s go back to my rollercoaster analogy. The readers will buy tickets for the ride. The agent will buy the coaster itself. These two transactions are quite different. To sell the coaster, you would do more than give the agent a sample ride; you would let them see all the machinery the readers never see. So don’t hold back in the query. If it helps, describe the protagonist. Provide the gender, their type of mental illness, and what symptoms and behaviors arise. Give the agent a “behind the scenes” tour. Such information might work better than the current final sentence.

If this leads you to a different query altogether, do not throw away the river paragraphs. They could be turned into a prologue. Including the first three to five pages after an e-query is fair practice. Many agents ask for sample pages anyway.

I think that’s enough rambling for one evening.

Ghost in the Machine

[Serzen]

Ghost and Aimée, thanks for chiming in. I appreciate the feedback. I'm going to post a new attempt here, but I'm going to ramble first. Also, because I just copy/pasted the replies are out of order. Too bad!

Comment: “an out of control mind rushing to empty itself in serenity.” I’m not following this. Do you mean “rushing to empty itself in order to obtain serenity”?

This was supposed to evoke the image of the river emptying itself into the ocean. There's so much chaos inherent in that body of water that the minor amount a single mind/river can bring is trivial at best. It was perhaps a little too vague.

As for the river paragraphs...I'll keep them around somewhere. Whether they make their way into BROKEN MIRROR or another work, they aren't going too far.

I think the gender neutral names are clever (Jamie/Chris) so that "you" can be whatever gender the reader is. That had to be difficult to avoid pronouns.

You have no idea how hard it was to avoid pronouns while still making sentences flow. Thankfully, gender neutral names are easy to dredge up. Alex, Jamie, Chris, Taylor, Hayden, Pat and Morgan all show up at least once. And Casey, quite likely the most important one of the bunch, Casey. As for the use of the second person (I didn't quote it, but I'll address it anyway), it will be challenging for people to read, yes. But I think that I've built enough stuff in, particularly early on, that most people will find that they relate to SOMEthing that's being said. We'll see, I hope.

Now, on to the meat of this post.

I was inspired by your attempts at writing psychosis, Ghost, and its resemblance to Burroughs to try something else. I've also conversed with others about the whole "Show don't Tell" thing and between the two of them, came up with this:

It was one of those afternoons, one of those days where the weather outside--what other kind of weather is there, after all?--is suitable for nothing but indoor work, but the air inside is so stuffy that you long to be outdoors. That was the day that started this whole mess. An argument with Jamie escalated into this.

Kerring. You swore you would never set foot in that town again. Until now, apparently. Kerring was supposed to be the past but your job just made it the present. You know nothing good can come of this trip. You hope to get in and do your job before anything can catch up with you. Then you'd be doubly damned.

Two long weeks alone, with no one to help you save the mind you aren't sure is still your own.

A middle-aged man in an expensive suit walks towards you, stops a little distance away. He addresses you by name. You look up into his face, allow yourself to feel hope for the first time in years. True hope, hope that you can reclaim yourself.

TO STAND BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is the story of a mind shattered by insanity a lifetime ago. It is a story of how that mind, held together by force of will, at last crumbles to uselessness. It is the story of anyone.

Delivered entirely in the second person, the narrative is a combination of dream, memory, hallucination and the present. A lack of cultural and gender identification creates a significant engagement with the plot, allowing for deep immersion and investment in the story as it unfolds over the course of 40,000 words.

Much of the query in this copy is created by taking a sampling of sentences from the book and stringing them together in an order that makes sense. The bulk of the remainder (prior to the "insert info here" section) is made by selecting words from various pages and putting them together in such a way that they form sentences. I used to write poetry in high school by pulling random words out of newspapers, but I haven't used it much until tonight.

So, now, everyone dogpile on the new attempt. Tell me what you think. Have I finally figured out what the heck I'm doing or have I gone further off my rocker?

~Serzen

[aspiring_x]

Ok, I'm WAY out of my range of usefullness here, but these are my thoughts.

It was one of those afternoons, one of those days where the weather outside--what other kind of weather is there, after all?--is suitable for nothing but indoor work, but the air inside is so stuffy that you long to be outdoors. That was the day that started this whole mess. An argument with Jamie escalated into this.great hook, love the humor

Kerring. You swore you would never set foot in that town again. Until now, apparently. Kerring was supposed to be the past but your job just made it the present. You know nothing good can come of this trip. You hope to get in and do your job before anything can catch up with you. Then you'd be doubly damned.brief conflict in second person gold star for you

Two long weeks alone, with no one to help you save the mind you aren't sure is still your own.

A middle-aged man in an expensive suit walks towards you, stops a little distance away. He addresses you by name. You look up into his face, allow yourself to feel hope for the first time in years. True hope, hope that you can reclaim yourself.and we have a quest. serzen, you rock. that is the complete query formula.

TO STAND BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is the story of a mind shattered by insanity a lifetime ago. It is a story of how that mind, held together by force of will, at last crumbles to uselessness. It is the story of anyone.

Delivered entirely in the second person, the narrative is a combination of dream, memory, hallucination and the present. A lack of cultural and gender identification creates a significant engagement with the plot, allowing for deep immersion and investment in the story as it unfolds over the course this is the only part I think you should cut. It's not bad, but I think that here you are telling what you've already shown (or told briefly in the line above.) just insert the word count and end with It is the story of anyone. that's a great sentence to end on.of 40,000 words.

I don't think I can give you any more feedback than that. I think this is by far your best. For what it's worth, (not much I know) I would request a partial :)

[Serzen]

Thanks, aspiring! But I'm not concerned with whether I rock as much as being totally metal. (Sorry, I really like Metalocaplypse...) ;)

So, we'll try your minor tweak and see what happens:
=====
It was one of those afternoons, one of those days where the weather outside--what other kind of weather is there, after all?--is suitable for nothing but indoor work, but the air inside is so stuffy that you long to be outdoors. That was the day that started this whole mess. An argument with Jamie escalated into this.

Kerring. You swore you would never set foot in that town again. Until now, apparently. Kerring was supposed to be the past but your job just made it the present. You know nothing good can come of this trip. You hope to get in and do your job before anything can catch up with you. Then you'd be doubly damned.

Two long weeks alone, with no one to help you save the mind you aren't sure is still your own.

A middle-aged man in an expensive suit walks towards you, stops a little distance away. He addresses you by name. You look up into his face, allow yourself to feel hope for the first time in years. True hope, hope that you can reclaim yourself.

BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is the story of a mind shattered by insanity a lifetime ago. It is a story of how that mind, held together by force of will, at last crumbles to uselessness. It is the story of anyone.

A brief work of literary fiction, BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is very nearly complete at around 40,000 words or so similar in theme to Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper."
=====
I'm also experimenting with the shorter name suggested in the other thread. TO STAND has been a part of the title in my mind for so long that it's hard to see it go. At one time it was WE STAND, but I digress.

Let me know what this new one does.

~Serzen
*edited because I forgot the reference to TYW, which a lot of other people have noticed but I have been trying to avoid bringing up.

[bcomet]

Here goes:
=====
A river meanders through this part of the country, constantly carrying someone's past into someone else's future. Dunningston is the present, a clean start. Kerring is the past, a messy, confusing place. Further upstream lies the ultimate past, shut out from memory, even by name.

A trip from Dunningston to Kerring upsets the natural flow of memory, bringing a past best left behind into the present.

A small trickle begets a great flood and a short period of isolation is enough to shred the facade of sanity, bare a soul and leave nothing but hope for release.

This is the story of a person swept away by that torrent, a recounting of a trip through deadly mental rapids. It is, ultimately, the story of an out of control mind rushing to empty itself in serenity.

TO STAND BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is a brief work of literary fiction; it's 40,000 words are delivered entirely in the second person. Using a combination of dreams, memories and hallucinations to offset the recounting of current events, the narrative describes a reality that is both distorted and enhanced by the filter of madness.
=====
I got lost in your first posted query. For me it was too abstract. I know you want the reader to work.
But this (above) query is just outstanding to me. It is so beautifully written and it lifts and titillates like music and completely reveals your voice as a writer and the protagonist's voice as well. It reads like water.

And I agree with the above poster (Ghost, I think) who said in this case the telling supports this query. It works for me anyway. Very well.
I am just another writer commenting and not an agent or experienced query writer myself. But as a writer, this piece made me sit up and take notice.

Best of luck and keep us informed.

You seem to have a lot of confidence and conviction in your originality as well as intelligence. It is interesting that you are so delighted in the conversations around your query and excerpt. I bet you'd be an interesting guest on a talk show too.
=====

I know I'm really abusing the river symbolism. But the river exists in the book, so it's not like I pulled it out of nowhere.

I like the river. I like it as symbolism and like it even better because it exists in the book as well.

I'm still stuck with telling and not showing, which bites.
Like I said. Above. This works here.

The text itself is a single stream; there are no chapters, pauses, sections, anything. You are taken from wakefulness to dreaming to utter lack of control without regard for anything. I should probably convey that here, but wonder if it's not too strong a tactic.
A work of art will find its own form. It takes courage, I think, to not interfere with it when it is off the beaten path. In the case of what I have read of your writing, the form works. You may need an editor at some point who gets this work and its structure.

All of the "test" readers that I've spoken with have indicated liking the way it's done, but being confused and having to re-read passages two or three times to be sure that nothing was missed.
Sometimes really deep work takes really deep reading.

I hardly want an agent to be unable to follow the letter.
I think this is quite followable. But again, I am a writer, not an agent.

Erg.

Anyway, feel free to use all three of the ideas to build something if you can. Or, if you can't, stick your tongue out, thumb your nose and do whatever else it is you do.

Hope my comments were helpful.I've enjoyed the discussions you've generated here. Reminds me of grad school and a group of advisors asking questions about someone defending a thesis.

[Ghost in the Machine]

Hi Serzen,

This is better, more concrete. It provides a taste of what the book might be like.

It was one of those afternoons, one of those days where the weather outside--what other kind of weather is there, after all?--is suitable for nothing but indoor work, but the air inside is so stuffy that you long to be outdoors. That was the day that started this whole mess. An argument with Jamie escalated into this.

Suggestions: Would it break the rules if you used “painful spring days” instead of just “days” in the first line? There is a heavy grey feeling about this mini-synopsis that may or may not be intentional on your part.

“air is so stuffy” to “air is so stifling”?

“That was the day that started this whole mess” to “That was the moment this whole mess started”?

“An argument” to “Your argument”?

Kerring. You swore you would never set foot in that town again. Until now, apparently. Kerring was supposed to be the past but your job just made it the present. You know nothing good can come of this trip. You hope to get in and do your job before anything can catch up with you. Then you'd be doubly damned.


Comment: I don’t know what mental state your protagonist is in, but a strong emotion would be more colorful. But for all I know, the protagonist could be experiencing a zombie-dull effect. If the protagonist hates Kerring, here’s what you might do with anger.

Suggestion: “Kerring, that pit. You swore you would never set foot in that shithole again. Kerring was supposed to be the past, you idiot, but your job just made it the present. Now what? Nothing good can come of this trip. You better get in and do your job before anything catches up with you. Your damned if you don’t get this work done and doubly damned if it brings you in contact with him.”

I don’t know if the protagonist is arguing or berating himself, but I’m trying to up the feeling of angst.

Two long weeks alone, with no one to help you save the mind you aren't sure is still your own.—Excellent.

A middle-aged man in an expensive suit walks towards you, stops (stopping) a little distance away. He addresses you by name. You look up into his face, allow yourself to feel hope for the first time in years. True hope, hope that you can reclaim yourself.

Comment: Nice cliffhanger. Now I want to know who this man in the expensive suit is.

TO STAND BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is the story of a mind shattered by insanity a lifetime ago. It is a story of how that mind, held together by force of will, at last crumbles to uselessness. It is the story of anyone.

Suggestion: For the second sentence, “Now that mind, held together by force of will, is about to crumble into uselessness.”

“It is the story of anyone.” This doesn’t sound right. I’m guessing you mean this protagonist could be anyone, as in, you never know what’s going on in someone’s head. But it reads like, “This is an everyman tale”, which it definitely is not.

Delivered entirely in the second person, the narrative is a combination of dream, memory, hallucination and the present. A lack of cultural and gender identification creates a significant engagement with the plot, allowing for deep immersion and investment in the story as it unfolds over the course of 40,000 words.

Comment: This second sentence should go except the word count and lack of cultural or gender identification. Every well-written book creates a significant engagement with the plot allowing for deep immersion and investment in the story as it unfolds.

Ghost in the Machine

[Serzen]

Hey, guys, thanks for the additional feedback. I'm going to try and cover bcomet and Ghost in one post. I hope I don't fall upon me arse in so doing. This week sucked.

bcomet, you were first, so I'll try to tackle that. I do read all of what is written and take it all into consideration if not advisement, but I'm only going to respond to points that really stick out to me.

Yes, the first query was way too abstract. It's a process. I'm a salesman by trade, but in a line of work where the MORE information I can give, the better. My customers don't share the wealth of knowledge that I do, so come to me to hear me pontificate, regale them, and eventually convince them that they want what I'm offering. The query process forces me to use as FEW words as possible. In my first draft I wanted to capture the feeling of the novel, which is quite short (I was able to hit all the important parts, give all the information that was necessary in 31,517 words, I'm now working my way up from there), and packed with meaning...but I had no idea how.

By the time I got to the river query it was clear that the first approach was no good. So I took a really minimalist approach and described everything in the most evocative terms I could; it told the same story, but with fewer words. Unfortunately, it was really pretty but required the reader to work even harder than the first one did, not to absorb the context, mind, but just to tease out what was happening. I'm glad so many people found the prose beautiful...I strive for it even when writing about ugly things. Thank you; it's humbling.

As to grad school...erg. Here I thought I might be able to avoid the academic world. I know that, if it's ever published, BROKEN MIRROR will spend a long time being debated by academia, but I don't have to like it. I wrote this thing for people, to hold it up to the world and say "watch out or this could be you, you bunch of stupid jerks," but I'm sure someone in a bad jacket with elbow patches will try to tell me I've no clue what I'm talking about.

I'd like to know what you think about the most recent edition, bcomet. Feel free to keep going. I'm having fun discussing the work. It doesn't make me feel like I'm adding more depth to my knowledge of the story, but it does anchor me in the idea that I'm doing something people might appreciate.

As for Ghost.

It would sort of break the rules to specify "spring" day, I think. The argument takes place an indeterminate amount of time before the beginning of the two week period, which itself takes place in mid-to-late spring, but there is an implication later in the text that the argument was a month or more before the two weeks begins. The heavy greyness is very much on purpose, but there's no real way to nail down the date of the argument.

"Stuffy" air might just be an idiom that I'm fond of; it's similar to stifling, but doesn't imply heat...I'm picky, I know. "Moment" is an interesting choice, it implies a certain spontaneity that is interesting. In this instance, though, "day" provides a greater level of determination and premeditation that the text (hopefully) bears out. "An" argument just because it's not the only one in the history of your relationship.

The mental state for the Kerring paragraph is, mostly, resignation. These sentences are lifted directly from the text, and the paragraph(s) quoted are more ones of self-pity. "Why'd you have to get this assignment? Why couldn't a lightning bolt have shot down and burned your driving foot off? But, then, you'd be in a hospital, which is only marginally better than being in Kerring. Knowing your luck, you would wind up in a hospital in Kerring anyway. Then you'd be doubly damned." Or something similar to that; I'm paraphrasing.

The middle-aged man 'stops' a little distance away because it's an active exchange. Both you and he are--trying not to reveal too much right now--in a delicate situation. Both of you are trying to assure a positive conclusion, so you both need to be active. 'Stopping' isn't TRULY the passive voice, but it comes close and I'm aiming for really tense and dynamic. If you REALLY want to know who the man in the suit is PM me and I'll either tell you directly (which might still be confusing) or send you the passage that the quote is taken from.

I prefer "at last crumbles" to "is about to crumble" for reasons of immediacy. It's happening throughout the course of the narrative; there, truly, is no single moment that catalyzes things. Although I hint at several, I leave it to the reader to determine which of those points was their own individual point of no return.

"It is the story of anyone." I mean, yes, it could be anyone, but not as in you never know what someone else is thinking; rather, if the wrong thing happened at the wrong time to you, this could be you. I mean "the human mind is a fragile thing, be grateful you're reading about this and not experiencing it firsthand." I want you to read the story and find something that you connect with. If you connect with even a single aspect of the character that I've made you won't be able to put it down, even though you'll want to. And when you finally finish I want you to think "There but for the grace of BOB go I."

I wound up cutting the second sentence and working in a comparison to give a little more context. Next to last post on page 2.

Anyway, thanks a lot, folks. I'm having fun playing along with this. I hope you're enjoying as much as I am.

~Serzen

[bcomet]

RE: Your third query letter:

It was one of those afternoons, one of those days where the weather outside--what other kind of weather is there, after all?--is suitable for nothing but indoor work, but the air inside is so stuffy that you long to be outdoors. That was the day that started this whole mess. An argument with Jamie escalated into this.

Kerring. You swore you would never set foot in that town again. Until now, apparently. Kerring was supposed to be the past but your job just made it the present. You know nothing good can come of this trip. You hope to get in and do your job before anything can catch up with you. Then you'd be doubly damned.

Two long weeks alone, with no one to help you save the mind you aren't sure is still your own.

A middle-aged man in an expensive suit walks towards you, stops a little distance away. He addresses you by name. You look up into his face, allow yourself to feel hope for the first time in years. True hope, hope that you can reclaim yourself.

The above is quite strong and only you can know if this represents the writing in the book more than the second query.

TO STAND BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is the story of a mind shattered by insanity a lifetime ago. It is a story of how that mind, held together by force of will, at last crumblesto uselessness It would be a given it is useless if it crumbles. It is the story of anyone.

Delivered entirely Written in the second person, the narrative is a combination of dream, memory, hallucination and the present.

I'm not sure I would use any of the remainder of this paragraph. But if I did, I would consider the following:

note 1:
Using the information: A lack of cultural and gender identification might put off the reader too. People tend to want to relate to the protagonist, even if he/she is having a tough go of it.

note 2:
If you are determined that this (A lack of cultural and gender identification) is important or necessary to include in the query letter, it could be inserted more concisely in the above sentence, recrafted to include it.

note 3:
This reads more like a defense of your choices (thesis defense) to me although I assume you are including it as a selling point.

note 4:
If you are determined to use the paragraph, these are the changes I would consider:

A lack of cultural and gender identification createsnot wild about creates here. Think a smoother word, perhaps allows?? a significant reader engagement with the plot., allowing for deep immersion and investment in the story as it unfolds I'm not sure this is overselling. over the course of 40,000 words. Note: I have been told that if your word count is significantly over/under, that it might get an automatic rejection and in that case, not to include it in the query letter. It might provide some information about at least the reception of your project if the material interests the agent without the word count.

My overall take is that this query works––with a few minor (above inserted/suggested) tweaks––but it is drier. I personally like the second version the best because it shows me what you are capable of as a writer. While this one works, it shows me more about how you think and analyze.
Both give information about the "story." It may be useful to have several versions, and know that which one is "right" is not an exact science.
And remember again, that what appeals to me as a writer/reader may not be the right criteria for an agent.
I hope this was helpful feedback. It is a privilege, on these forums, to be invited to share and support each others' efforts. Thank you. And, again, keep in mind that there are many opinions that may be better informed than mine.

[Serzen]

bcomet,

Thanks again for continuing to follow along.

Because the river paragraphs are so short, I've thought about trying to combine them with the cut-up paragraphs. It demonstrates both what the novel will be like and the strength of prose that exists. And it really brings home the fact that more than one story is at play. So, let's see what I can do with it:

It was one of those afternoons, one of those days that started this whole mess. An argument with Jamie escalated into this.
(A river runs through this part of the country, constantly carrying someone's past into someone else's future. Dunningston, a clean start. Kerring, a messy past. Beyond that the ultimate past, shut out from memory, even by name.)

Kerring. You swore you'd never set foot in that town again. Until now, apparently. Nothing good can come of this trip. Soon you'll be doubly damned.
(A trip from Dunningston to Kerring upsets the natural flow, bringing the past into the present.)

Two long weeks alone, with no one to help save the mind you are no longer sure is your own.
(A small trickle begets a great flood, baring a soul and leaving nothing but hope for release.)

A middle-aged man in an expensive suit addresses you by name. You look up into his face and allow yourself to feel hope. True hope, hope that you can reclaim yourself.
(A raging torrent desperately seeks its level.)

BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is a work of literary fiction similar in theme to Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper." It is the story of a mind shattered by insanity a lifetime ago. It is a story of how that mind, held together by force of will, at last crumbles. It is, ultimately, the story of a mind rushing to empty itself in serenity.

So, walk around it, kick the tires, see what it does. Let me know if there are any rust spots to take care of.

~Serzen

[bcomet]

bcomet,

Thanks again for continuing to follow along.

Because the river paragraphs are so short, I've thought about trying to combine them with the cut-up paragraphs. It demonstrates both what the novel will be like and the strength of prose that exists. And it really brings home the fact that more than one story is at play. So, let's see what I can do with it:

It was one of those afternoons, one of those days that started this whole mess. An argument with Jamie escalated into this.
(A river runs through this part of the country, constantly carrying someone's past into someone else's future. Dunningston, a clean start. Kerring, a messy past. Beyond that the ultimate past, shut out from memory, even by name.)

Kerring. You swore you'd never set foot in that town again. Until now, apparently. Nothing good can come of this trip. Soon you'll be doubly damned.
(A trip from Dunningston to Kerring upsets the natural flow, bringing the past into the present.)

Two long weeks alone, with no one to help save the mind you are no longer sure is your own.
(A small trickle begets a great flood, baring a soul and leaving nothing but hope for release.)

A middle-aged man in an expensive suit addresses you by name. You look up into his face and allow yourself to feel hope. True hope, hope that you can reclaim yourself.
(A raging torrent desperately seeks its level.)

Serzen,

The above is clever, but I think the two forms fight each other.
If it were me, I'd go with the second version because it is so stunning. But, as I said, the third version(with the brief edits suggested) reads pretty cleanly to me too. It is just drier. I think you might keep both versions and see it they perhaps get responses from different types of agents.

BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is a work of literary fiction similar in theme to Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper." It is the story of a mind shattered by insanity a lifetime ago. It is a story of how that mind, held together by force of will, at last crumbles. It is, ultimately, the story of a mind rushing to empty itself in serenity.

The above paragraph is nicely cleaned up and looks very professional to me.

So, walk around it, kick the tires, see what it does. Let me know if there are any rust spots to take care of.

~Serzen

[CoachMT]

BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is a work of literary fiction similar in theme to Charlotte Perkins Gilman's "The Yellow Wallpaper." It is the story of a mind shattered by insanity a lifetime ago and how that mind, held together by force of will, at last crumbles. It is, ultimately, the story of a mind rushing to empty itself in serenity.

Too many "It is the story"s for me. Begs the question: Well what's it a story of? Don't you know?

Can't comment on the query/synopsis portion… too far out of my genre. It's going to be a special agent that will see the potential though I think.

[bcomet]

I have to agree with Coach on the "and."

Sometimes,the music in the writing is enhanced by repetitions, and sometimes it needs to be pruned.

I also think that it will take a certain special type of agent, editor, and publisher for this work. But that you are so willing to roll your sleeves up and work it to its best shows too. I hope you find the match, even if it takes some looking, and that you are also selective.

[KappaP]

Hey! Alright, I've read through the thread and am here to finally repay you for spending so much time helping me out. Here are my thoughts.

It was one of those afternoons, one of those days where the weather outside--what other kind of weather is there, after all?--is suitable for nothing but indoor work, but the air inside is so stuffy that you long to be outdoors. That was the day that started this whole mess. An argument with Jamie escalated into this.

Kerring. You swore you would never set foot in that town again. Until now, apparently. Kerring was supposed to be the past, but your job just made it the present. You know nothing good can come of this trip. You hope to get in and do your job before anything can catch up with you. Then you'd be doubly damned. I like this-- but I'm trying to read it like an agent and the vagueness is too much. I understand you want it to be vague in some terms, but I think you need to make "anything" more specific ("fiends" "memories", you know what you're trying to evoke better than I do) because otherwise I don't feel worried for the protag. Without specificity, I don't understand why you'd be damned ONCE, let alone doubly.

Two long weeks alone, with no one to help you save the mind you aren't sure is still your own.

A middle-aged man in an expensive suit walks towards you, stops a little distance away. He addresses you by name. You look up into his face, allow yourself to feel hope for the first time in years. True hope, hope that you can reclaim yourself. Maybe it's just me, but I read this and went "........huh?" I have absolutely no idea where we are when this happens, who this man is, what's going on, why he evokes hope, when this is, anything. It seems like a total non sequitur. Again, vagueness is good but this is too vague. I can't relate to it or connect to it. Also, it seems to contradict what you just said-- if there's no one to help you save your mind, who is this guy and why do you all the sudden feel hope when you see him? I imagine those two things aren't contradictory, but they seem so without any further explanation.

TO STAND BEFORE A BROKEN MIRROR is the story of a mind shattered by insanity a lifetime ago. It is a story of how that mind, held together by force of will, at last crumbles to uselessness. It is the story of anyone.

Delivered entirely in the second person, the narrative is a combination of dream, memory, hallucination and the present. A lack of cultural and gender identification creates a significant engagement with the plot, allowing for deep immersion and investment in the story as it unfolds over the course of 40,000 words.

Your writing is great, you know that. Your idea is great, you know that. I have absolutely no doubt that I'd read this book over and over again if I had a copy of it. The problem is that none of these queries get me there-- this one comes the closest but you need to inject more concrete details into it. You know I have the same problem, it's tough with this type of fiction. But for an agent who is picking this up, all they will know about this book is that someone goes back to some town that poses some threat to their mental health. There's no specificity there-- there's nothing in that story that makes me go WOAH. I need to know more about the circumstances and more about how the event of going back to Kerring plays into those circumstances. Otherwise, this query is a lot of presentation without substance. And I know that's not the case with the book.

There is obviously a plot here. Take a couple minutes and, without trying to write a query, just write down the plot. Not abstractly, but literally "this is what happens in the book." Then, string together the relevant pieces and beautify that rather than trying to inject the plot into beautiful prose. I need more bones here.

[Serzen]

Thanks, Kappa. I see the direction you are angling from, I think. I am probably too close to the source right this second. I've been actively editing and writing new vignettes trying to get the word count up high enough that someone will give the thing more than a passing glance; it's probably interfering with my ability to lay things out cleanly.

Re: the man in the suit. That scene is ripped from the closing pages. He plays a very specific role and only appears in that scene. If I stick with this format, I'll need to bridge the events better.

I'm throwing this one out as a freebie, I hope some people picked up on it, but I'm explaining for the benefit of all. "...no one to help you save the mind you aren't sure is still your own." is double entendre: "...no one to help you save (rescue) the mind..." and also "...no one to help you save (except for) the mind..."

Oh well. I'll report back when I've banged out the newest edition.

~Serzen