Nathan Bransford - The Forums

You're welcome! I'm really excited for you to submit because this looks like such a fun story! It reads well to me, I'm going to go through for a couple grammatical missteps (mainly commas). I put them in blue, you may have to look closely. Good luck. :)

BAL wrote:
Dear Agent,

Tirian is an enchanted toad with magical powers living in the forest kingdom of Garn, home of the Enchanted Ones. But when a vengeful enchantress turns Tirian into a human, he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow her to the human lands to get her to change him back.

Tirian is left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, he must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever.

While getting used to a body that, in Tirian’s opinion, is ridiculous in design, he dodges the human women of Lascoe (who all think they’re in love with him thanks to the curse) and the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones, like him, trespassing on human territory. [Question: How do the guards know he's enchanted?]

To help him survive the human lands are Wester, an enchanted wolf, and Rynn, a half-human girl with amazing powers and a mysterious past.

On their search, Tirian and his companions discover that the treacherous enchantress who cursed him is in league with a dangerous sorcerer [delete comma] who is searching for The Source, a mythical object said to be the source of the Enchanted One's magic. If these villains get their hands on The Source it could mean the end of the Enchanted Ones and the enslavement of the humans. Tirian and his friends must do whatever it takes to stop them.

My 99,000-word fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted is the story of one enchanted toad trying to return to the life he thinks he wants, learning along the way that fighting for what’s right may mean losing what he loves.

I chose to submit my query to you because ________.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Nicely done. I cut the adjectives in the last para because they're telling, and you've done such a nice job of showing there's no need to be redundant.

I haven't read your earlier versions so I'm coming to this one with fresh eyes.

BAL wrote:Dear Agent,

Tirian is an enchanted toad with magical powers living in the forest kingdom of Garn, home of the Enchanted Ones. But when a vengeful enchantress turns Tirian into a human, he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow her to the human lands to make her change him back.This paragraph made me wonder what age audience the MS is aimed at. Because he's an animal, I thought this might be middle grade. It might be worth putting the word count and genre up in the first paragraph so agents know it's not aimed at younger people.

Tirian is left in a terrible state after the curse. He’s not only devastatingly handsome; he must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever.

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones, like him, trespassing on human territory. His only help comes in the form of Wester, an enchanted wolf, and Rynn, a half-human, half-enchanted girl with amazing powers and a mysterious past.

During their search, Tirian and his companions discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed him is in league with a dangerous sorcerer, who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic. Tirian and his friends must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted is an exciting and often humorous I'd cut the words 'exciting' and 'humorous'. I've read a lot of agents saying they don't want to be told what the story is, instead they want to get that it's humourous and exciting from your query. You've got a few funny sentences above so I think they'll know it's humour without being told, and the description of events hints that it's exciting.story of one enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants, learning along the way that fighting for what’s right may mean losing what he loves.

I chose to submit my query to you because ________.
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

Apart from those few minor alterations, I think you've done a good job.

First off you should never use the words FINAL DRAFT because it's a jinx that will ensure at least 20 more drafts... :)

Flows nicely. You never mention the manuscript being complete though. It is complete right?

Send off a few and good luck!

Hey thanks everyone for your wonderful advice, I've made changes accordingly and have sent my query out to a few agents. Keep your fingers crossed for me. You guys have been so great and so helpful.

Dear Agent,

Tirian is an enchanted toad with magical powers living in the forest kingdom of Garn, home of the Enchanted Ones. But when a vengeful enchantress turns Tirian into a human, he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow her to the human lands to make her change him back.

Tirian is left in a terrible state after the curse. He’s not only devastatingly handsome; he must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever.

While getting used to his ridiculous new body, Tirian dodges the lovesick women of Lascoe and the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones, like him, trespassing on human territory. His only help comes in the form of Wester, an enchanted wolf, and Rynn, a half-human, half-enchanted girl with amazing powers and a mysterious past.

During their search, Tirian and his companions discover the treacherous enchantress who cursed him is in league with a dangerous sorcerer who is searching for The Source, an object said to be the power behind the Enchanted Ones’ magic. Tirian and his friends must do whatever it takes to stop these villains from obtaining The Source or face losing their powers and their freedom.

My 99,000-word completed fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted is the story of one enchanted toad trying to return to the life he wants, learning along the way that fighting for what’s right may mean losing what he loves.

I chose to submit my query to you because –
Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,

I've edited this for grammar for you, there was a misplaced semi-colon and you missed a couple of embedded clauses :o)

Dear Agent,

Tirian is an enchanted toad with magical powers living in the forest kingdom of Garn, home of the Enchanted Ones. But when a vengeful enchantress turns Tirian into a human, he must leave the quiet safety of his forest home and follow her to the human lands to get her to change him back.

Tirian is left in a terrible state after the curse; he’s not only devastatingly handsome, but must avoid being kissed or risk being stuck as a human forever.

While getting used to a body that, in Tirian’s opinion, is ridiculous in design, he dodges the human women of Lascoe (who all think they’re in love with him thanks to the curse) and the deadly Elite Guards who kill Enchanted Ones, like him, trespassing on human territory.

To help him survive the human lands are Wester, an enchanted wolf, and Rynn, a half-human girl with amazing powers and a mysterious past.

On their search, Tirian and his companions discover that the treacherous enchantress that cursed him is in league with a dangerous sorcerer, who is searching for The Source, a mythical object said to be the source of the Enchanted Ones magic. If these villains get their hands on The Source it could mean the end of the Enchanted Ones and the enslavement of the humans. Tirian and his friends must do whatever it takes to stop them.

My 99,000-word fantasy adventure novel Too Enchanted is an exciting and often humorous story of one enchanted toad trying to return to the life he thinks he wants, learning along the way that fighting for what’s right may mean losing what he loves.

I chose to submit my query to you because ________.

Thank you for taking the time to consider representing my work. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,