Nathan Bransford - The Forums

cjtrapp wrote:Maybegenius maybegenius--stole my post while I was still typing! Not to say Imaybegenius... I've never been formally tested. Good feedback, and a great re-write.

LOL. Sorry for stealing your brainwaves :D

Tiffany - I like this version very much. It's much stronger than your first one, with a lot more action and stakes. I think you could still work in the bit about her siblings (maybe "Channing can't shake the images of the brutal murder. Although she made a decision to never try to change the future again after her failed attempt at saving her brother and sister from their deaths, she can't bear the thought of doing nothing.").

But the pacing is good, and now Reed is more interesting. I might work on your cliches more ("makes her feel alive again," "takes things into her own hands"). You're almost there!

And, let's try again...

Dear Rockstar Agent,

I read on your website that you’re looking for “young adult fiction with a strong female lead.” {Insert personalization here}

Seeing into the future is not all it's cracked up to be, especially when seventeen-year-old Channing Russo gets a glimpse of a girl being killed by an infamous serial killer. Being the next victim? Not her future ambition. Channing knows the only way to make the visions stop is if she can stop the serial killer.

Luckily, she doesn't have to do it alone. Reed Thatcher, the new guy in town, is the only person she feels comfortable around with her abilities, and he’s intent on helping her track down the killer. She lets him because chasing a serial killer by herself doesn’t sound promising. And can you say swoon? But, when he wants Channing to stick to the conventional ways by contacting the police, she decides to do things her own way. The last thing she wants is to be the town crazy.

When her visions start to bleed into her reality, pun intended, and the killer hot on her trail instead, Channing winds up shackled and gagged on a cold, metal table. Too bad her visions never showed her this.

VISIONS is a young adult paranormal fantasy, complete at 65,500 words. I’m an active member of DFW Writer’s Workshop and an elementary English/Language Arts teacher. The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Tiffany Neal

Since I'm my own worst critic, here's a newer version...Any suggestions, gladly accepted!

Dear Rock Star Agent,

I read on your website that you’re looking for “young adult fiction with a strong female lead.” {Insert personalization here}

Seeing into the future has its perks. Knowing someone’s about to be murdered by an infamous serial killer is not one of them, especially when seventeen-year-old Channing Russo is determined to keep her “visions” under wraps. Totally sick and tired of the creepy images blasting her mind on a daily basis, she knows the only way to stop the visions is to stop the killer herself.

Luckily, she doesn’t have to do it alone. Reed Thatcher, the new guy in town, is the only person she feels comfortable around with her abilities, and he’s intent on helping her track down the killer. She lets him because chasing a serial killer by herself is, well, stupid and it doesn’t hurt that he’s easy on the eyes. But when he wants Channing to stick to the conventional ways by contacting the police, she decides to do things her own way. The last thing she wants is to be known as the town crazy.

When her visions start to bleed into her reality, pun intended, and the killer is hot on her trail instead, Channing winds up shackled and gagged on a cold, metal table. Too bad her visions never showed her this.

VISIONS is a young adult paranormal fantasy, complete at 65,500 words. I’m an active member of DFW Writer’s Workshop and an elementary English/Language Arts teacher. The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

I like the last one. The voice is fun and interesting.

When her visions start to bleed into her reality, pun intended, and the killer is hot on her trail instead, Channing winds up shackled and gagged on a cold, metal table. Too bad her visions never showed her this.

This is a good hook. :)

I felt like I lost the heart of my novel in the last query letter, so I rewrote it and got this. What do you think?

Dear Rock Star Agent,

I read on your website that you’re looking for “young adult fiction with a strong female lead.” Because of this, I believe you’d be interested in my young adult novel. {Insert any personalization here.}

Seventeen-year-old Channing Russo flinches at the simple touch of another person. Every day something as common as brushing shoulders with a friend in the hallway might just land Channing in a front row seat to a future make-out session, something she’d rather not witness. Some visions have their perks…some are just an annoyance…the worst are the tragic ones… a reason to avoid people at all costs.

When Channing runs head on into a girl and sees a vision of her being brutally murdered by a serial killer on the loose, she feels obligated to stop this jerk in his tracks. Telling people she can see into the future, however, is sure to label her with the town crazy title. So she takes things into her own hands against the better judgment of Reed Thatcher, the first and only person she feels comfortable revealing her abilities to.

Chasing around a serial killer, dealing with the isolation her visions bring her, and coming to terms with her feelings for Reed, all leave Channing wishing she were a normal teenage girl. But she’s not, and when her visions begin bleeding into her reality, she’s completely unaware that the serial killer is hot on her trail. Too bad Channing’s vision never showed her that she’d be alone, gagged, and shackled to a cold, metal table.

VISIONS is a young adult paranormal fantasy, complete at 65,500 words. I’m an active member of DFW Writer’s Workshop and an elementary English/Language Arts teacher. The full manuscript is available upon request. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Tiffany Neal

This one is better, in my opinion. I think the voice is good, and I like the way you describe her talent in the second paragraph. Good luck with this!

My *only* nitpick with your most recent version is this line: "...obligated to stop this jerk..."

"Jerk" is a really weak term to use to describe a serial killer. I'd use a heavier word, like "murderer." Outside that, it's good!

Am not sure what age YA starts from but the story is starting to sound very "after the watershed" and in the adult, CSI league:

Too bad Channing’s vision never showed her that she’d be alone, gagged, and shackled to a cold, metal table.

Also other parts of the introduction suggest Channing has been capable before. She has extraordinary skills but you don't mention why they no longer work.