Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Looks much better to me. got some great advice in the post above this, and i'll throw in my comments below. As always, take my suggestions with a grain of salt. :)

Dakota388 wrote: Dear:

An unstoppable army prepares to attack the kingdom of Epertase, while Rasi, once the kingdom’s greatest warrior, remains long since banished to a mountain exile. This sentence is just too busy, coming from another writer who can go 100 words in between periods. To me, something along the lines of 'Rasi, once the kingdom of Epertase's greatest warrior, remains banished in his mountain exile as a foreign army prepares to invade his homeland.' To me, this type of revision would keep all points that you bring up, but puts it forward in a more leisurely way (it could just be me though). HisDelete this and substitute Long years of loneliness and anger have driven him near the feral edge of madness with little hope of return.

Then For some reason starting this paragraph with then is bothering me... the kingdom’s almost certain fall triggers the start of a magical event. Once completed, the corrupt king’s rule will violently end and his daughter, Princess Alina’s, will begin. these sentences need to me reworked in some way, and i don't like 'magical event'... it is just too generic for me. i like 'the corrupt king's rule will violently end and his daughter, Princesss Alina's, will begin.' The trick is reworking the first sentence into something that flows to this sentence better. In the coming change, Rasi sees hope for the life he had before the king ripped out his tongue, killed his family, and left him for slaughter at the teeth of a tentacled beast. With the dead creature’s violent, self-aware tentacles permanently melded to his own back, Rasi vows to control the savage appendages and defend Alina’s kingdom, thereby proving his honor and securing his triumphant return to the land he loves. new paragraph here? His hopes of a new beginning quickly fade with revelations of a secret legend. From those legends, the power-hungry king learns that Alina’s timely sacrifice will save his throne and he has her kidnapped. Now Rasi must save Alina to have any chance at redeeming himself. If he fails, he will hang, Alina will die, and Epertase will surely fall.

I am seeking representation for my finished 95,000-word fantasy novel filled with vivid battle scenes, fantastical creatures, treachery and love. THE LIGHT OF EPERTASE is a stand-alone novel with series potential and is available upon your request. i agree with ElisabethMoore on this section.

That said, this query is much better and really makes me want to read pages from it. afaik, that is the goal of a query. :thumbup:

I'm working on the suggestions but I have trouble with the "magical event" part as well. I only use that generic phrase because I can assume everyone understands it. The actual event has to do with the name of the book but is impossible to explain, even briefly, in a query (I've tried). I hoped in using it, an agent might understand that it is larger than just a magical event and brush past it, knowing magic is in my world. What do you think? I'll post an updated query late tonight or sometime tomorrow. My only fear is that I'm growing my query each time and it is getting too long. The next agent I'm querying states a query should have 2 paragraphs of synopsis at most. I've kind of cheated here a tad by making it 2 when I believe it would be better as 3 paragraphs.

i thought the 'magical event' might be one of those things, and i'm sure it wouldn't be a large hang up.

you know the manuscript far better than i do, and will know which suggestions you should listen to, and the ones that you shouldn't. ;)

It is just the process of making it as perfect as you can, and then someone reads it and points out what to them is stumbling block. adjust what you can for clarity, but trust yourself to know when you've done it as perfect as possible. you're on the right track as far as i'm concerned.

One more time (hopefully). As always, all help appreciated. Though still generic (magical event), I tried to tell a little more of what it does. I changed some of the query with hopes of answering everyone's questions a little more while subtly showing what is so important about this event. It makes the fair and just princess queen, but just as importantly paves the way for Rasi, the kingdom's greatest warrior to return. In the book, Alina has to be queen to stave off Epertase's inner collapse at the hands of her father while Rasi must save her kingdom from the external threat of the foreign army. Does this do a better job? And at 226 words, is the synopsis becoming too long again?

Dear;

Rasi, once Epertase’s greatest warrior, remains banished to a mountain exile while a seemingly unstoppable army prepares to attack his former homeland. His years of loneliness and anger have driven him near the feral edge of madness with little hope of return. Epertase’s almost certain demise triggers a magical event which may ultimately save the kingdom. Once finished, this event will violently end the corrupt king’s rule, thrusting his just daughter, Princess Alina, into the throne, making way for Rasi’s return.

In the coming power-shift, Rasi sees hope of reclaiming the life he had before the king ripped out his tongue, killed his family, and left him for slaughter by a tentacled beast. With the dead creature’s violent, self-aware tentacles permanently melded to his own back, Rasi vows to control the savage appendages and defend Alina’s kingdom. If he can do so, he will prove his honor, securing his triumphant return to the land he loves. His hopes of a new beginning fade with revelations of a secret legend. From those legends, the power-hungry king learns that sacrificing his daughter will save his throne. He has her kidnapped to mask his own involvement. Now Rasi must save Alina and lead her army against the foreign threat to have any chance at redeeming himself. If he fails, he will hang, Alina will die, and Epertase will surely fall.

I am seeking representation for my finished 95,000-word fantasy novel filled with vivid battle scenes, fantastical creatures, treachery and love. THE LIGHT OF EPERTASE is a stand-alone novel with series potential and is available upon your request.