Query: THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE

[niklee90]

Made it a tad more mature -- I think I'm getting there

Dear Ms. Agent:

For six months now, ten-year-old Ionikus Reaves has lived with a jaw of iron.

It’s heavy, and cold, and everyone on Atlantis stares when he walks by. Worse yet, Father was the one who attached it to him, right before the Detainment too, when the Olympian gods drafted Father, and a slew of other men, women, and children into the war outside Atlantis. Ion was spared only because of his jaw--a handicap, they’d called it.

Suddenly orphaned, Ion’s relegated to slave work for the meanest, ugliest, wartiest judge on all of Atlantis. But there’s more to Ion than anyone thinks, and after he accidentally triggers a blizzard in the middle of the judge’s living room, Ion discovers he’s a reincarnated god. Trouble is, to become this god he’ll have to serve and protect the Olympians who ordered the draft--the Olympians he hates even more than his jaw.

In the blink of a cyclops’ eye, Ion’s rushed off to the Achaean Academy, where his godly training begins. He feels he’s betraying his family just by being there, but the Olympians he once hated aren’t what he thought they’d be. Not all the Olympians favored the draft. Some are so old they can’t even remember their own names.

Then Ion meets a spirit who appears to be his mother, and he’s presented with a mission: betray the gods and free his father. Ever since Ion became the Iron-Jawed Boy, he’s been unsure of who he is, but making that discovery could cost him his life, or worse, the lives of others.

THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE is an upper middle grade fantasy complete at 75,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[suef]

Hi! Let's take a look:

ar Agent-lady-dude:


Ten year old Ionikus Reaves dreams of the days before the Draft, when his mother was still alive, and his father and sister weren’t off fighting in some stupid war for the Olympian gods. Now Ion's working as a slave for the meanest, ugliest, wartiest judge on all of Atlantis, washing floors and doing laundry, which is decidedly the worst.Hmm...I think you need a stronger hook. Maybe one sentence? I'm also not sure about all the adjectives in the one sentence. Why is he mean?

But when Ion discovers he’s a thunder-rolling, lightning-toting god, he gets his chance at a new life. Trouble is, becoming this god means serving and protecting the old ones--the Olympians responsible for the Draft.You know, this would probably work better as your hook for paragraph one.

In the blink of a cyclops' eye, Ion’s rushed off to the Achaean Academy, where his godly training begins. He feels he’s betraying his family just by being there, but the Olympians he once hated are actually nice...and obsessed with macaroons.Nice touch of humor!

Then Ion meets the spirit of what appears to be his mother, and he’s presented with a decision: remain loyal to the Olympians and continue his training as a god, or betray them and free his father.

But not all spirits are what they appear to be.Interesting...

THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE is a middle grade fantasy complete at 75,000 words.niklee90

Posts: 10
Joined: 13 Jul 2012, 16:09

I like the idea, but I think you need some detail. Make me care about Ion. What happens in the first 20 pages of your story? That is what you should put here in your query. The world is a little unclear to me as well, but I think you are on the right track! Good luck!
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[niklee90]

haha thanks for the look suef, but my newest draft was on page two It includes a lot of what you're talking about, especially including what happens in the first 20 pages.

[niklee90]

Alright, so I've finished my revisions to my manuscript, so now it's time to really focus on this query letter. Here's my latest draft if anyone wants at it

Dear Ms. Agent:

For six months now, ten-year-old Ionikus Reaves has lived with a jaw of iron.

It’s heavy, and cold, and the only use it seems to have is attracting a lot of unwanted attention. Ionikus hates his jaw only a little bit less than he hates the gods of Olympus. The day they had ordered the draft that took Father, was the day Father frantically attached the metal to Ion’s jaw--with a little bit of magic, but without an explanation. And ever since, he’s been the Iron-Jawed Boy. A monster even on Atlantis.

It certainly appears that way, until Ionikus discovers he’s a lot weirder than he thought...in fact, he’s weird enough to be a reincarnated god. And not just any reincarnated god. Oh no--he’s a reincarnated god bound to serve and protect the Olympians. Naturally, of course.

In the blink of a cyclops’ eye and without much of a choice, Ion’s rushed off to the Achaean Academy, where his godly training begins. But the more he watches and learns, the more he sees the Olympians aren’t what he thought they’d be. Turns out, not all the Olympians favored the draft, and some are so old they can’t even remember their own names.

Ever since Ion became the Iron-Jawed Boy, he’s never been sure of who he really was. But when he meets the spirit of his fallen mother and he’s given a potentially deadly mission, Ion finally gets to choose. Will he be a son, a god...or the Iron-Jawed Boy?

THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE HALL OF FORGOTTEN HEROES is an upper middle grade fantasy complete at 75,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[lindsayB3462]

After a bit of a vacation, I've returned to my query (throws confetti). I'm working on a new draft after sending out a few and coming up empty-handed. Here's the newest version. It's a bit rough, but I'm focusing more on the book's selling point: Ion's jaw. Have at it

Dear Ms. Agent:

For six months now, ten-year-old Ionikus Reaves has lived with a jaw of iron. It’s heavy, and cold, and everyone on Atlantis stares when he walks by. I would take the paragraph separator out Father attached it with magic, right before the Detainment too why have this too? It confuses me because I don't understand the also implication, when the Olympian gods drafted him, and a slew of other men, women, and children into the war outside Atlantis. Ion was spared only because of his jaw--a handicap, they’d called it--but he can’t help but wonder if his Father knew this would happen. Nice!

Suddenly orphaned, Ion’s relegated to slave work for the meanest, ugliest, wartiest judge on all of Atlantis. He washes floors now, which is decidedly the worst.the word decidedly seems bulky here

But there’s more to Ion than anyone thinks, he discovers he’s a reincarnated god, when he accidentally triggers a blizzard in the middle of the judge’s living room. The sentence flows better with those two phrases flipped aroundTrouble is, becoming this god means serving and protecting the Olympians who ordered the draft.

In the blink of a cyclops’ eye, Ion’s rushed off to the Achaean Academy, where his godly training begins. He feels he’s betraying his family just by being there, but the Olympians he once hated aren’t what he thought they’d be. Not all the Olympians favored the draft--some are so old they can’t even remember their own names. And not to mention they’re obsessed with macaroons.

Then Ion meets a spirit who appears to be his mother, and he’s presented with a mission: betray the gods and free his father. Ever since his father made him the Iron-Jawed Boy, Ion has always wanted to know why, but freeing his father would mean losing everything all over again, or worse...death by locusts

THE IRON-JAWED BOY AND THE CRY OF THE BANSHEE is an upper middle grade fantasy complete at 75,000 words. Thank you for your time and consideration.

[niklee90]

Aww thanks Lindsay, but that wasn't my latest version

[lindsayB3462]

Haha yea that's me a day late and a dollar short. How is it coming along then? Have you finished the query? I would really be interested in reading the complete story!

[niklee90]

Well, post #13 was the latest revision, but the manuscript is all "done". Cept a few nit-picks I'll run through. Would you like to take a look? Always open for some beta readers!

Nik

[niklee90]

Newest revision!

Ten-year-old Ionikus Reaves is the freak with the iron jaw--thanks to the gods of Olympus.

When the Olympians order a draft to aid their forces in the war outside Atlantis, Father binds the iron to Ion’s skin with magic, without an explanation, and moments before the guards appear at the house. Ion’s new jaw is a handicap, the guards say, and he narrowly avoids war. But Father’s not so lucky, and when he’s shipped off to war, so too is the secret to Ion’s jaw.

Ion hates the cold, useless iron as much as the gods, but after an accidental blizzard summoning, Ion’s hatred turns to uncertainty. He’s a god. And not just any god, but a reincarnated one bound to serve and protect the Olympians.

Without a choice, Ion’s rushed off to the Achaean Academy, where he’s trained by the Olympians themselves--who aren’t what the thought they’d be. Turns out, they’re old, they smile, they’re completely obsessed with macaroons, and Ion’s normal to them.

Then one night, he stumbles upon a forgotten hall in the academy, where he meets the spirit of his fallen mother, and his loyalties are tested. Ion must now decide: remain loyal to the Olympians and continue his godly training, or do as Mother has asked, and betray them to free Father from the war...and finally discover the secret behind his jaw.

[klbritt]

I've read through your query post several times and think that you are getting closer. Congrats on finishing your edits!! I bet that feels great In reading each of your updates, the one thing that stands out to me is the overall length of your query. In this post, you have 5 individual paragraphs NOT including the title, word count and genre paragraph - YIKES! In one of Mr. Bransford's blog posts, he give us a query letter mad lib that may help you reduce the length of your query: http://blog.nathanbransford.com/2008/03 ... d-lib.html

Anyway, I have some [comments] and some suggested [removal/replace].

Ten-year-old Ionikus Reaves is the freak with the iron jaw--thanks to the gods of Olympus. [Where does Ion live? Olympus? Atlantis? I'm lost already...and the Gods gave hime the jaw? I thought it was his father...]

When the Olympians order a draft [why would they draft a 10 year old???] to aid their forces in the war outside Atlantis, his father binds the iron to Ion’s skin with magic, without an explanation, and moments before the guards appear to take Ion awayat the house. The guards view Ion’s new jaw as a handicap and take his father instead., the guards say, and he narrowly avoids war. But Father’s not so lucky, and when he’s shipped off to war, so too is the secret to Ion’s jaw.

Ion hates the cold, useless iron as much as the gods, but after an accidental blizzard summoning, Ion’s hatred turns to uncertainty. He’s a god. And not just any god, but a reincarnated one bound to serve and protect the Olympians. [feels like an info dump...maybe you could incorporate Ion finding out he's a reincarnated got in the opening paragraph...which god?]

Without a choice, With his father off to war, Ion is rushed off to the Achaean Academy, where he’s trained by the Olympians themselves--who aren’t anything like he expected.what the thought they’d be. Turns out, they’re old, they smile, and they are completely obsessed with macaroons, and Ion’s normal to them.[COMBINE PARAGRAPHS]Then one night, he Ion stumbles upon a forgotten hall in the academy, where he meets the spirit of his fallen mother, and his loyalties are tested. Ion must now decide: remain loyal to the Olympians and continue his godly training, or do as his mother has asked, and betray them to free his father from the war...and finally discover the secret behind his iron jaw.

TITLE OF BOOK is a work of GENRE complete at XXX-words.

Thank you for your consideration,

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Hope I have helped a little