Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Hi folks,

I've rewritten my query again after a bit of a break. It's below. Also, I recently became a semi-finalist for a literary award. In a query letter is it appropriate to put that information into the introductory paragraph of a query letter, or is it better to put at the end of the novel summary, or in the bio section? Is there some sort of standard for that? Here, I've put it at bottom of the novel summary.
Thanks for your feedback.

14-year-old Pid stows away in a boxcar in hopes he'll find his real mother in San Francisco. He leaves a house where his white adoptive father, Barone, beats him and calls him Stupid. To make the getaway succeed the positive personality of Pid pushes ahead of Stu, the passive one. Pid hitchhikes by train, steals food, jumps into delivery vans, steals bicycles, and drives motor scooters to get away. He charms his way into the heart of a "new mother" in San Francisco. He gets his own story published in newspapers and then in a book. But a successful escape does not satisfy him. He's compelled by his curiosity and the rage of anger to return to his hometown to face Barone again. Pid's obsessed with the mystery of his real mother and he wants a kiss from Cathi, the girl he left behind. Pid risks arrest and injury there, yet he starts a bloody fight with his father. In the struggle he discovers why the lies of his father hide the truth of the mysteries in his Mexican heritage. TARDY SON, is a semi-finalist for the Faulkner Novel-in-Progress Award.

Thanks,
David

Thanks for the suggestions so far. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this a little bit. Here's another try:

Query letter synopsis:

14-year-old Pid stows away in a boxcar in hopes he'll find his real mother in the San Francisco of 1958. Pid must overcome polio, life in an orphanage, and his own brown skin to earn self-respect. To find respect he stows away on a train, studies books, steals motor scooters, and writes this first-person story of his adventures in his journal. He leaves a house where his white adoptive father, Barone, beat him and called him Stupid. To make his getaway succeed the active personality of Pid rises above Stu, the passive one. He finds a home in San Francisco and gets his story published in newspapers, but this does not satisfy him—he remains obsessed with the mystery of his real mother. This compels him to return to his hometown to face Barone though he risks injury and arrest. After a bloody fight with his father, he discovers why the lies of his father hide the truth of the mysteries in his Mexican heritage. TARDY SON is YA literary fiction and is a semi-finalist for the Faulkner Novel-in-Progress Award.