Nathan Bransford - The Forums

bkloss wrote: In a magical world called Gaia, (how about rewording...In the magical world of Gaia) connected to Earth by an ancient system of hidden portals, eighteen-year old Daria Jones is the heiress to the Regius dynasty and the successor of arcane powers. It's just that no one's bothered to tell her. (You create a distinct voice here with that sentence. It should match the book's tone.)
Right now, as written Daria is in Gaia. Maybe... But here in Fresno, no one's bothered...

In the magical world of Gaia, connected to Earth by an ancient system of hidden portals, eighteen-year old Daria Jones is the heiress to the Regius dynasty and the successor of arcane powers. But back in California, no one's bothered to tell her.

An unknown, evil power has lain dormant within the peaceful realm of Gaia; a power that’s secretly assembling an army and conspiring with Picans—Gaia’s banished race of cursedsorcerers. (Word choice issue.. you have dormant and assembling--inactive/active--... yeah we understand, but an agent might think it's sloppy. Reword the sentence...maybe a once dormant evil power...) That power (Echo word) has finally found (passive...finds) Daria, the girl the prophecies have warned will ultimately overthrow him. (You go from evil power, to he/him...I don't care for the change. I'd stick with the vague reference or clarify it earlier.) So, he sends a few of his Picans to snatch her from her home in the outskirts of Fresno, California(If you add Fresno earlier you could go with Cali or Earth here). And Again a show of tone/voice, which is consistent with the first paragraph.)

Within the peaceful realm of Gaia, a once dormant evil power is secretly assembling an army and conspiring with Picans—Gaia’s banished race of sorcerers. That dark force finds Daria, the girl the prophecies have warned will ultimately overthrow it. So, the entity sends a few Picans to snatch her from her home in the outskirts of Fresno.

Her father destroys them and leaves, pursues ingthe identity to the man behind the attack, (slit into 2 sentences) He places placingDaria in the care of the only family she trusts. A family that proceeds to tell her she’s not from this world. That Gaia is her true home—the world they’re all from.(Rework, tighten it up, one sentence) And now that she’s been discovered, only the magic within Gaia can protect her. (good)
Watch the time line in this paragraph. Destroys them. Puts Daria in family care. Then pursues the man.

Her father destroys the sorcerers and sets off in pursuit of the identity of the man behind the attack. Before entering a portal, he places Daria in the care of the only family she trusts. They tell her she’s not from this world, but that her true home is Gaia—the world they’re all from. And now that she’s been discovered, only the magic within Gaia can protect her.

They mustsneak Daria through the nearest portal--Yosemite National Park--into the heart of Gaia. There, her father will be waiting waits, concealed and protected within the magical boundary of the Arborenne forest. It’s time she learns who she really is, and he must be the one to tell her.(the family kind of already told her??) But there's an unexpected addition to her escort: their son Alex, her former best friend. She's not seen him since the day she realized their friendship was a fraud; that he’d only pretended to please their parents. (I'd delete because it doesn't add any conflict/situation to the query. It a detail without any connection. If you want to keep it, you need to create a more significant situation or a consequence of the relationship. In the book, I'm sure it's a major subplot, but as written it's just a detail taking up space.)

They sneak Daria through the nearest portal--Yosemite National Park--into the heart of Gaia. There, her father waits, concealed and protected within a magical boundary.

(You're missing a big piece of information here... What is the dark moment, Gaia's story question, her major choice and how that impacts the story.)

Daria DISCOVERS HER DESTINY (cliche) and must DO SOMETHING, PICK BETWEEN THIS OR THAT IN ORDER TO SAVE, SET FREE, DEFEAT, OR THIS TERRIBLE THING WILL HAPPEN.

On her journey through Gaia, Daria uncovers a lifetime of secrets, hidden power, and unforeseen love; all of which she must harness before this ancient, reviving evil destroys the very ones she loves. (good)

This(TITLE OF THE BOOK is a ...) 106,000-word YA fantasy tells us of a world just beyond ours that was never meant to be separate. (good)
This novel has strong series potential but tells a complete tale and stands alone.

bkloss wrote:O-KAY. First of all, I want to say thank you to all who have effectively thrown the "asked-for" punches. ;) They've been awesome (and painful). I'm slightly embarrassed by how much I didn't know and thrilled by how much I'm learning from all of you! Here's where I'm at...Joel, I hope this doesn't count as plagiarizing. ha.


In the magical world of Gaia, connected to Earth by an ancient system of hidden portals, eighteen-year old Daria Jones is the heiress to the Regius dynasty and the successor of arcane powers. But back at her home in California, no one’s bothered to tell her.

Within the peaceful realm of Gaia, a once dormant evil power is secretly assembling an army and conspiring with Picans—Gaia’s banished race of sorcerers. That dark force finds Daria, the girl the prophecies have warned will ultimately overthrow it. So, the entity sends a few Picans to snatch her from her home in the outskirts of Fresno.

Her father destroys the sorcerers and sets off in pursuit of the identity of the man behind the attacks (Is "the man behind the attacks" the same as "the entity?"). Before leaving through a portal, he places Daria in the care of the only family she trusts. They tell her she’s not from this world, but that her true home is Gaia—the world they’re all from. And now that she’s been discovered, only the magic within Gaia can protect her.

They sneak Daria through the nearest portal--Yosemite National Park--into the heart of Gaia. There, her father waits, concealed and protected within a magical boundary. But when he doesn’t show, the impetuous Daria decides to find him on her own terms. Those terms lead her straight into a trap, delivering her to the dark force that hunts her. It demands she forfeit the ancient power that runs through her veins by serving the dark. And if she does not, she and her loved ones will die. Who are her loved ones? If you say, her dad will die, for me that's enough reason to sacrifice one's powers and less vague and cliche than "loved ones."

On her journey through Gaia, Daria uncovers a lifetime of secrets, hidden power, and unforeseen love; all of which she must harness before this ancient, reviving evil destroys the very ones she loves.
This sounds to movie announcer-ish, so I'd cut it. It doesn't add anything.

GAIA’S SECRET is a 106,000-word YA fantasy that tells us of a world just beyond ours that was never meant to be separate. This novelhas strong series potential but tells a complete tale and stands alone.

I completed post-graduate work in Clinical Laboratory Science and have an all-consuming passion for literature and the extraordinary. If it's irrelevant to writing, agents don't want to hear about it. Just say you're a debut author.

bkloss wrote:In the magical world of Gaia, connected to Earth by an ancient system of hidden portals, eighteen-year old Daria Jones is the heiress to the Regius dynasty and the successor of arcane powers I think the confusion over where Daria is in this sentence could be cleared up by reordering it (and getting rid of the 'in'). Also (and I could be wrong) I've seen Janet Reid say to leave the age of characters out of the query unless it's important. Because you state this is YA an agent will assume she's in her teen years. Maybe: Daria Jones is the successor of arcane powers and heiress to the Regius dynasty of Gaia, a world connected to Earth by an ancient system of hidden portals. But back at her home in California, no one’s bothered to tell her.

Within the peaceful realm of Gaia, a once dormant evil I think a stronger word than 'evil' could be used, bacause it is a bit overused. power is secretly assembling an army and conspiring with Picans—Gaia’s banished a race of banished sorcerers Not sure naming the sorcerers adds to the query, and I think leaving the name out improves the flow. That The dark force finds Daria, the girl the prophecies have warned will ultimately overthrow it, So, the entity sends a few Picans and sends the sorcerers I think not specifying the 'few' makes this flow better. The reader would assume he wouldn't send a whole army of sorcerers to get one girl to snatch her from her home in the outskirts of Fresno not sure you need this because you've already said her home is in California in the first para.

Her father destroys the sorcerers and sets off in pursuit of the identity of the man power behind the attack I think the sentence flows better if you get rid of 'identity'. It seems strange to pursue an identity. Also, in keeping with the previous para you might want to continue to refer to the bad guy as 'power' or something similar, rather than as a man. Before leaving through a portal, Not sure this is necessary because we already know the evil power is in Gaia and we know to get to Gaia you need to go through a portal He places 'places' feels like a strange choice of word to me. I think because Daria's 18, she's old enough to look after herself. Maybe 'leaves Daria with the only...' Daria in the care of the only family she I think I mentioned this in earlier comments, but I think this would make more sense if it said 'he' rather than 'she'. Since Daria's only just found out about Gaia and people trying to kill her, I'm not sure why she wouldn't trust other peopletrusts. They tell her she’s not from this world, but that her true home is Gaia—the world they’re all from. And now that she’s been discovered, only the magic within Gaia can protect her.

They sneak Daria through the nearest portal--Yosemite National Park--into the heart of Gaia. There, her father waits, concealed and protected within a magical boundary. But when he doesn’t show, the impetuous Daria decides to find him on her own terms I like this addition. It shows Daria acting where in previous versions she's only been following. I'd change the word 'impetuous' though. I'm not sure it's a character trait you want to highlight in a query, because an agent might think they're going to become frustrated with the MC if they're the sort of character who makes a lot of rash actions and then needs to be saved all the time. Maybe something like 'determined' or 'tenacious'. Those terms lead her straight into a trap, delivering her to the dark force that hunts her. It demands she forfeit the ancient power that runs through her veins by serving the dark. And if she does not, she and her loved ones will die.

On her journey through Gaia, Daria uncovers a lifetime of secrets, hidden power, and unforeseen love; all of which she must harness before this ancient, reviving evil destroys the very ones she loves.

GAIA’S SECRET is a 106,000-word YA fantasy that tells us of a world just beyond ours that was never meant to be separate. This novel has strong series potential but tells a complete tale and stands alone.

I completed post-graduate work in Clinical Laboratory Science and have an all-consuming passion for literature and the extraordinary. I'd cut this. If it doesn't directly relate to the story you're writing I wouldn't put it in.

bkloss wrote:
In the magical world of Gaia, connected to Earth by an ancient system of hidden portals, eighteen-year old Daria Jones is the heiress to the Regius dynasty and the successor of arcane powers. But back at her home in California, no one’s bothered to tell her.

Within the peaceful realm of Gaia, a once dormant evil power is secretly assembling an army and conspiring with Picans—Gaia’s banished race of sorcerers. That dark force finds Daria, the girl the prophecies have warned will ultimately overthrow it. So, the entity sends a few Picans to snatch her from her home in the outskirts of Fresno.

Her father destroys the sorcerers and sets off in pursuit of the identity of the man behind the attack. Before leaving through a portal, he places Daria in the care of the only family she trusts. They tell her she’s not from this world, but that her true home is Gaia—the world they’re all from. And now that she’s been discovered, only the magic within Gaia can protect her.


okay, so the problem I see is that we are three paragraphs into the query, and everything has happened *to* the main character. She hasn't actually done anything. Nothing is from her POV. Notice that she is not the subject of any sentence thus far. It makes her seem very passive.

They sneak Daria through the nearest portal--Yosemite National Park--into the heart of Gaia. There, her father waits, concealed and protected within a magical boundary. But when he doesn’t show, the impetuous Daria decides to find him on her own terms. Finally, Daria does something!Those terms lead her straight into a trap, delivering her to the dark force that hunts her. It demands she forfeit the ancient power that runs through her veins by serving the dark. And if she does not, she and her loved ones will die. But it's all very vague. What does she do? You haven't exactly told us.
On her journey through Gaia, Daria uncovers a lifetime of secrets, hidden power, and unforeseen love; all of which she must harness before this ancient, reviving evil destroys the very ones she loves. Vague. If you're not going to tell us what the "lifetime of secrets" are, then don't mention it. Anything you put into into a query should be explained clearly. Otherwise, it's a waste of space.

GAIA’S SECRET is a 106,000-word YA fantasy that tells us of a world just beyond ours that was never meant to be separate. This novel has strong series potential but tells a complete tale and stands alone.

I completed post-graduate work in Clinical Laboratory Science and have an all-consuming passion for literature and the extraordinary.

bkloss wrote:Thanks in advance!!
Now I'm afraid this is too long ;( I'm not sure where to cut/what to summarize without sounding 'vague' as so many are warning against. So, I think I may have given too many details with this go. Thoughts?
made a comment just like this about a query of my own recently :) I don't know the secret to that cool cross-out-text stuff, so I'll just white it out or add in my comments/changes. Some of these things are just me I'm sure. For myself I think I rather preferred your last query post-SariBelle's tweaking.


In a magical world called Gaia, connected to Earth by an ancient system of hidden portals, eighteen-year old Daria Jones is the heiress to the Regius dynasty and the successor of arcane power. But back at her boring home in Fresno, California, no one's bothered to mention it. Not until her Dad suddenly disappears.

Evil sorcerers from Gaia have discovered her, and her Father has gone in pursuit, in pursuit of what? last we saw in this paragraph the sorcerers had come to earth, what happened?leaving her with a family he trusts—a family Daria’s known all her life. Or at least she thought she did. Even this revelation doesn't change the fact that she has known them all her life. I know you mean "she thought she knew them" in the other sense, but in the context it sounds strange. As it turns out, they're from a magical world called Gaia—a world they say she and her father are from—and they’ve lived on Earth to watch over her. Now that she’s been discovered, only Gaia’s magic can protect her.

But that’s not all. There’s a secret about her identity. A secret she must learn from her father. Until then, they expect her to trust and follow them, right into the heart of Gaia. There, her father supposedly waits, concealed and protected within a magical forest. Although she no longer trusts them, this seems jarring. maybe within the context of the story her shock and sense of betrayal are explained, but here it seems a bit harsh.they’re her only key to Gaia and her father. So, she decides to go along with them. For now.

They sneak Daria through the nearest portal in Yosemite National Park. Only, there’s an unexpected addition: their son Alex. She hasn’t seen her former best friend in years; ever since the day she discovered their friendship was a fraud, and his never telling her about this magical world confirmed it.errrr...this last bit about Alex seems forced and awkward. Plus there's really no reference to him after this aside from the hint in the last sentence. I'd cut it entirely

When her Dad doesn’t show, the determined Daria decides to find him on her own terms. Alone. But instead of finding her Dad, she finds the dark force that hunts her. It wants the power that runs through her veins and a promise of her service to an ancient, reviving evil within Gaia. Is this evil the same as the dark force? Right now this sounds like they are seperate.If she doesn’t, her life will be taken, and so will the lives of her father and family friends who are already on their way to save her.

Daria must learn how far she’ll go to save those she cares about, to defy the greatest evil ever known to Gaia…and to find love too late with a misunderstood friend she realizes her royal bloodline will never allow. The second half of this sentence is just convoluted. I had to read it twice just to make sure I understood what it said. the love is too late, with a misunderstood friend and forbidden as well? I'd remove at least one of these for simplicity's sake. I almost feel all the negatives should cancel eachother out somehow to make a positive.

GAIA’S SECRET is a 106,000-word YA fantasy with strong series potential but tells a complete tale and stands alone.