VERSION 6 REVISED: Query: Awakening

[tanyathib]

...

VERSION 5
JMB - thank you, an interesting point. To clarify, it isn't old for an elf at all, as they live to be a couple of thousand years old - but point definitely taken.

Here's another revision and pleased to say that it clocks in at 271 words with all my contact info, shortest one yet!

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

Overhearing she has an abducted twin sister Amanda is inconsolable. She is dumbfounded when her parents confess she’s an elf possessing immense magical powers. Yet taking on an uncharacteristic recklessness, fueled by the need to rescue her sister, Amanda kicks the intensity-meter up several notches. Making an already dangerous development of powers more life threatening than she realizes.

Prior to reality shifting dreams and a necessary relocation to the Elven village, Amanda’s heart was devoted to a human boy. But her rediscovered identity brings to life the intense and arrogant elven boy from her dreams. Amanda grits her teeth every time he swoops in to rescue her from her own recklessness. Yet it doesn’t stop her insides from taking roller-coaster dives when his smoldering eyes penetrate hers. Which causes an immediate reaction of guilt as Amanda begins to question her love for the human boy.

She’s quick to realize her destiny’s at odds with the desires of her heart. While her divided focus puts everything at risk: her life, her sister’s life and both the human and Elven worlds by placing them in a path of inescapable tyranny at the hands of her sister’s abductors.

AWAKENING is an 88,000 word YA novel. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is quite capable of standing on its own. AWAKENING is my first novel. My day job is contributing writer / publisher of the (redacted) which was conceived in 2004 and enjoys a loyal readership.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[MattLarkin]

Hi all, my apologies for having gone dark for awhile, my day job really got out of control lol.

Anyway, I've been back at it and it was rather fun to read through all your comments again and all the mistakes I've been making lol.

I've got a brand spanking new version of my query and I can't wait to hear your feedback!

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

Obviously it's generic for this site, but "Dear Ms. Agent" made me smile.

Fifteen-year-old Amanda is inconsolable when she accidently overhears the fact she has an abducted twin sister. She is flabbergasted when her parents confess she’s actually an eighty-four-year-old elf with the ability to possess immense magical powers.

The phrase "the fact that" is almost always superfluous. The second line also sounds kind of wordy to me--I might reconsider how to phrase it.

Faced with a desire to finally develop some talent and master some skills, Amanda takes on an uncharacteristic recklessness that kicks up the intensity meter several notches. Making an already dangerous, magical development more life threatening than she realizes.

You say she wants to "finally develop some talent and master some skills;" to me this implies she has no talents or skills of any kind, and has never cared about being useless until now. That doesn't make her an exciting heroine. "Kicks up the intensity meter" is just telling us your novel is going to be exciting; you'd be better off showing us how it will be exciting. The last line is also overly general--a specific example would help.

Her new found competitive urge is further jeopardized by some serious focus issues as Amanda also battles some inner turmoil in the love arena. Prior to her reality shifting dreams and her undesired relocation to an Elven village, Amanda’s heart was set on a life with Jordan.

But her rediscovered identity brings to life the intense and arrogant “Beauty Boy” that has been permeating her dreams.

Amanda grits her teeth every time Caelsah swoops in for the rescue with an air of triumph in his smirk. Yet that doesn’t stop her whole insides from taking roller-coaster dives every time his smoldering, electric-blue eyes penetrate hers. Which causes an immediate reaction of guilt as Amanda berates her body for betraying her love of Jordan.

She’s quick to realize that the path of her destiny is at odds with the desires of her heart. Torn between the loyalties of family and a deep seated love of Jordan, Amanda’s divided focus puts everything at risk. Not just her own life or her sister’s life, but it also enables a higher possibility of both the human world and the Elven world facing inescapable tyranny at the hands of her sister’s abductors.

I like the first two lines of this paragraph. However, "but it also enables a higher possibility" sounds really wordy.

AWAKENING is an 88,000 word YA novel. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is quite capable of standing on its own. AWAKENING is my first novel. My day job is contributing writer / owner / publisher of (redacted) which was started from scratch in 2004 and enjoys a loyal readership.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Name
Contact Info

[MattLarkin]

JMB - thank you, an interesting point. To clarify, it isn't old for an elf at all, as they live to be a couple of thousand years old - but point definitely taken.

Here's another revision and pleased to say that it clocks in at 271 words with all my contact info, shortest one yet!

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

Overhearing she has an abducted twin sister Amanda is inconsolable. She is dumbfounded when her parents confess she’s an elf possessing immense magical powers. Yet taking on an uncharacteristic recklessness, fueled by the need to rescue her sister, Amanda kicks the intensity-meter up several notches. Making an already dangerous development of powers more life threatening than she realizes.

Prior to reality shifting dreams and a necessary relocation to the Elven village, Amanda’s heart was devoted to a human boy. But her rediscovered identity brings to life the intense and arrogant elven boy from her dreams. Amanda grits her teeth every time he swoops in to rescue her from her own recklessness. Yet it doesn’t stop her insides from taking roller-coaster dives when his smoldering eyes penetrate hers. Which causes an immediate reaction of guilt as Amanda begins to question her love for the human boy.

She’s quick to realize her destiny’s at odds with the desires of her heart. While her divided focus puts everything at risk: her life, her sister’s life and both the human and Elven worlds by placing them in a path of inescapable tyranny at the hands of her sister’s abductors.

AWAKENING is an 88,000 word YA novel. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is quite capable of standing on its own. AWAKENING is my first novel. My day job is contributing writer / publisher of the (redacted) which was conceived in 2004 and enjoys a loyal readership.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Oh, this one is a big improvement from the revision I was reading earlier today.

[tanyathib]

Thank you Matt - I appreciate the feedback and glad to hear that I'm finally heading in the right direction lol. I can't believe how hard it's been to put together a query letter - it's been a real eye opener!

But the feedback from forums has been absolutely invaluable!

[tanyathib]

...

VERSION 6
A few more tweaks compiled from various forums:

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

After overhearing she has an abducted twin sister Amanda is inconsolable. She is dumbfounded when her parents confess she’s an elf possessing immense magical powers. Yet Amanda resorts to atypical recklessness, fueled by her need to rescue her sister, and kicks her intensity-meter up several notches. Thus causing an already dangerous development of powers to be more life threatening than she realizes.

Prior to a necessary relocation to the Elven village and reality shifting dreams, Amanda’s heart was devoted to a human boy. However, her rediscovered identity brings to life the intense and arrogant elven boy from her dreams. Amanda grits her teeth every time he swoops in to rescue her from her own recklessness. Yet it doesn’t stop her insides from taking roller-coaster dives when his smoldering eyes penetrate hers. This causes an immediate reaction of guilt as Amanda begins to question her love for the human boy.

She’s quick to realize her destiny’s at odds with her heart’s desires. While her divided focus puts everything at risk: her life, her sister’s life and both the human and Elven worlds by placing them in a path of inescapable tyranny at the hands of her sister’s abductors.

AWAKENING is an 88,000 word YA novel. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is capable of standing on its own. AWAKENING is my first novel. My day job is contributing writer / publisher of the (redacted) which was conceived in 2004 and enjoys a loyal readership.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

[clara_w]

Dear Ms./Mr. Agent,

Fifteen-year-old Amanda is inconsolable when she accidently overhears the fact she has an abducted twin sister. (How about "when she discovers she has an abducted twin sister?) She is flabbergasted (I loved this word!!! No idea what it means though, so I'd take the simple highway here to keep it safe.) when her parents confess she’s actually an eighty-four-year-old elf with the ability to possess immense magical powers.

Faced with a desire to finally develop some talent and master some skills, Amanda takes on an uncharacteristic recklessness that kicks up the intensity meter several notches. Making an already dangerous, magical development more life threatening than she realizes. (I don't like this part so much. I think if you inserted a bit of Amandas voice in your query it would make it much juicier. Like: "And it was time to try out her skills."

Her new found competitive urge is further jeopardized by some serious focus issues as Amanda also battles some inner turmoil in the love arena. Prior to her reality shifting dreams and her undesired relocation to an Elven village, Amanda’s heart was set on a life with Jordan. (I would specify who's Jordan before. You could start the bones of your query with the simple (example): Not every fifteen year old finds out they are an eighty year old elf, with a (evil?) twin sister. But Amanda just did. Now it's hard to concentrate on trying out her skills with Jordan around, and it all gets worse when...). I know, crappy examples, and I'm definitely not trying to re-write your baby, I'm just vomiting ideas hoping one might fit and actually be helpful. : D)

But her rediscovered identity brings to life the intense and arrogant “Beauty Boy” that has been permeating her dreams. (Who is this boy? What's his name? i know from further downs its Caelsah, but I'd say it here.)

Amanda grits her teeth every time Caelsah swoops in for the rescue with an air of triumph in his smirk. Yet that doesn’t stop her whole insides from taking roller-coaster dives every time his smoldering, electric-blue eyes penetrate hers. (really good!) Which causes an immediate reaction of guilt as Amanda berates her body for betraying her love of Jordan.

She’s quick to realize that the path of her destiny is at odds with the desires of her heart. Torn between the loyalties of family and a deep seated love of Jordan, Amanda’s divided focus puts everything at risk. Not just her own life or her sister’s life, but it also enables a higher possibility of both the human world and the Elven world facing inescapable tyranny at the hands of her sister’s abductors.

AWAKENING is an 88,000 word YA novel. It's the first installment of a planned trilogy, yet is quite capable of standing on its own. I wouldn't mention the trilogy nor that it can stand on its own. Let it for the future, when you've already got the agent hooked in your book. AWAKENING is my first novel. My day job is contributing writer / owner / publisher of (redacted) which was started from scratch in 2004 and enjoys a loyal readership.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,
Name
Contact Info

Overall you seems to have a very interesting story! But you need to inject voice in your query. I know it because I was being impartial with my 'first' query as well, and it led to a lot of rejections. It was damn painful. But take only what makes sense to you and I really hope I was able to help!! : )

[tanyathib]

Thank you very much Clara! Your feedback does help and you're absolutely right on the voice. I'm still working away on it, so we'll see if the next revision has any better luck.

You made the comment about your "first" query and the rejections.... was that for Jade's Hurricane?