[/quote]Natasha wrote:If seventeen-year-old Sharlet Gales had known she was dating the son of the devil, she might have reconsidered. I like that she "might" have reconsidered, not that she definitely would have done it. Nice hook.
After being stalked by him for weeks, Sharlet finally meets Kalav Devilson when she threatens to kill him with the tip of her mascara pen. I can't tell if Sharlet knows she's been stalked for weeks or if that is something you're telling us. If she knows this, the sentence might be stronger if you rearrange the order to make the second half in present tense. "After being stalked by him for weeks, Sharlet threatens to kill Kalav Devilson with the tip of her mascara pen when she finally confronts him." Nevertheless, she can’t go through with it because he’s just the thing she needs to add some excitement in her life. And before she knows it, he turns her world upside down. No, literally—the trees hung down from the sky while they walked on top of the stars. They fall in love. The line about the trees is a nifty visual. I think you should end the paragraph on that and move the mention of love below.
Kalav admits that he doesn’t want to be evil and promises to change This might be a good spot to mention their love. You could do something like, "Kalav admits his love for Sharlet and promises to change his evil ways for her.. But after her best friend finds out that that he is carrying out his father's agenda, Sharlet learns that she may not have known Kalav as well as she thought. This sentence confuses me a little. If he's still evil after he promised to change, why not just dump him? This makes it harder for me to root for their relationship to work out. You might consider deleting this and jumping right into the next line. This sets up Satan as the bad guy (shocking news, right?) and keeps the reader from thinking Sharlet should quit while she's ahead. Unfortunately, Satan doesn't like the changes Sharlet is trying to push on Kalav and kidnaps him, hoping to lure her into Hell so he can dispose of her. Although she is livid with Kalav, She's pissed off but willing to enter Hell? See my comment above. Sharlet falls for Satan’s trap, and finds herself navigating through Falling for a trap and finding herself navigating are passive. Show us Sharlet choosing to enter Hell. Hell—a world with mermaids, deserts made of honeycomb, and carbonated lakes. The thing is, everything beautiful here has its evils. "Has its evils" is awkward. What else can you use?
Sharlet believes Kalav can rise above his birthright. This is a good reason to root for the relationship and Sharlet's success. Stick with this idea. If he doesn't, however, she'll be a prisoner of hell for eternity—and the world will be taken over by the Anti-Christ. This revelation threw me. So if Kalav says, "Sorry, I really don't love you" to Sharlet, Armageddon begins? I'm not following the connection. Sharlet's problem? Love might not actually be enough for him to change.
AMETHYST is a YA paranormal romance novel complete at 70,000 words.
Thank you for your consideration.
You've got a great set up for conflict in this story. I hope my comments help!