Nathan Bransford - The Forums

I moved away from the adoption tagline b/c it's cool in the story, but its hard to make it compact and exciting without the whole backstory..it seems to confuse people more than anything else, but the rest of the query has remained the same. I tried to focus on the unique parts as previous posters mentioned. Adoption isnt unique so i squashed it down to make it less important.

latest attempt:

Aaren Danielson is a mentally unstable thirteen-year-old, facing the ominous choice of sacrificing his life for a world he struggles to care about, or watching it burn to the ground. Aaren’s life begins to unravel after he makes a curious discovery while researching for a family tree project, and after a heated discussion, Hank and Eunice Danielson confess that they've been lying to him for years. He wasn’t adopted after being orphaned by the death of his biological parents-he was handed over in a secret exchange before they went back into hiding.

Aaren doesn’t believe them. Struggling to deal with feelings of anger and disappointment, his life only gets worse. During the day, he experiences visions and voices speaking to him, warning him to trust no one. At night, he is plagued by nightmares of ancient battles between warriors who never die and visions of himself, older and battle-hardened, fighting an eight-foot-tall evil incarnate.

Desperate for answers on why he’s so abnormal, Aaren is determined to find his parents, but a powerful and secretive organization of assassins is stands in the way of discovering the truth. If he can survive long enough to find them, he will discover a terrifying fate-he must die for humanity to survive the return of the Devagma and his Immortal Acolytes.

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

Aaren Danielson is a mentally unstable thirteen-year-old, facing the ominous choice of sacrificing his life for a world he struggles to care about, or watching it burn to the ground. Aaren’s life begins to unravel after he makes a curious discovery while researching for a family tree project, and after a heated discussion, Hank and Eunice Danielson I agree don't need the names just say something like crazy or mean or whatever adopted parents. Let the reader know how his life has been with them in one adjective. confess that they've been lying to him for years. He wasn’t adopted after being orphaned by the death of his biological parents-he was handed over in a secret exchange before they went back into hiding.

Aaren doesn’t believe them. Struggling to deal with feelings of anger and disappointment, his life only gets worse. During the day, he experiences visions and voices speaking to him, warning him to trust no one. At night, he is plagued by nightmares of ancient battles between warriors who never die and visions of himself, older and battle-hardened, fighting an eight-foot-tall evil incarnate.

Desperate for answers on why he’s so abnormal, Aaren is determined to find his parents, but a powerful and secretive organization of assassins is stands in the way of discovering the truth. If he can survive long enough to find them, he will discover a terrifying fate-he must die for humanity to survive the return of the Devagma and his Immortal Acolytes.

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen angst of The Catcher in the Rye.
Write2Me
I really like the rest of your Query. When you say he might have to die to save the world it might be a good idea to say why. Right now I feel I like your book until I read that line and then it seems like there is no hope. Maybe say might have to die or explain a little more. The rest is great and I like this one much better than your last two. Good luck.

thanks for the feedback cmo. I wondered if maybe it did sound a too dark. I just wanted to make sure it sounds as anti-harry potter as possible, since despite my book contains not a single element from that series, anything that faintly reminds an agent of it might get a no nowadays. How do these changes work for you? Anything worth altering? thanks to all who have commented, this query is eons better than the one I thought was good.

Dear Agent,

Aaren Danielson is a mentally unstable thirteen-year-old facing the ominous choice of sacrificing his life for a world he struggles to care about, or watching it burn to the ground. Aaren’s life begins to unravel after he makes a curious discovery while researching for a family tree project, and after a heated discussion, his deceitful adoptive parents confess that they've been lying to him for years. He wasn’t taken in after being orphaned by the death of his biological parents-they handed him over in a secret exchange for his own protection.

Aaren doesn’t believe them. Struggling to deal with feelings of anger and disappointment, his life only gets worse. During the day, he experiences visions and voices speaking to him, warning him to trust no one. At night, he is plagued by nightmares of ancient battles between warriors who never die and visions of himself, older and battle-hardened, fighting an eight-foot-tall evil incarnate.

Desperate for answers on why he’s so abnormal, Aaren is determined to find his parents, but a powerful and secretive organization of assassins is stands in the way of discovering the truth. If he can survive long enough to find them, he will discover a terrifying fate-he must die to transform into the hero the world will desperately need to survive the return of the Devagma and his Immortal Acolytes.

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

I can see the similarity to Harry Potter. Not sure how to change it. Maybe it was a good idea not to put that in the Query. Could you say something about seeing how real parents treat their children and questioning why he is treated brings him to wonder and then find out he is adopted. If not go back to kind of glossing over the adoption. Still not getting the dying to save the world. Is it a prophecy that could be misinterpreted? I think somehow you need to explain this. Is he to die and then be re-birthed? Keep plugging at it. This is still way better than when you first wrote your Query.

good point cmo. yea i think i'll try to gloss over the adoption since its not what makes the book unique/exciting. Its more the emotional angst type stuff. I purposefully didnt read any harry potter just so i didnt borrow any elements from it. I did watch the movies and the adoption there wasn't as important as his horrible relatives. In my book, his parents are really good people who made a desperate mistake, which makes it all the more difficult for aaren to deal with the deception, but its a little too deep to go into in a query. Its a little too obvious to have the horrible family...its been repeated since Cinderella lol.

Dear Agent,

Aaren Danielson is a mentally unstable thirteen-year-old, facing the ominous choice of sacrificing his life for a world he struggles to care about, or watching it burn to the ground. Aaren’s life begins to unravel after he makes a curious discovery while researching for a family tree project, and after a heated discussion, Hank and Eunice Danielson confess that they've been lying to him for years. He wasn’t adopted after being orphaned by the death of his biological parents-he was handed over in a secret exchange before they went back into hiding.

Aaren doesn’t believe them. Struggling to deal with feelings of anger and disappointment, his life only gets worse. During the day, he experiences visions and voices speaking to him, warning him to trust no one. At night, he is plagued by nightmares of ancient battles between warriors who never die and visions of himself, older and battle-hardened, fighting an eight-foot-tall evil incarnate.

Desperate for answers on why he’s so abnormal, Aaren is determined to find his parents, but a powerful and secretive organization stands in the way of discovering the truth. The organization is ruthless, and sends a team of assassins after him, pushing Aaren to the brink of death. It is there that he discovers his terrifying fate. He can either survive to live a normal life, or choose to die, transforming into a Protector, sworn to defend humanity against the onslaught of Devagma and his Immortal Acolytes.

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is a young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

thanks to everyone for their input...i've taken all the suggestions and made a hodgepodge of the best of everything that was suggested to me and came up with this 252 word query which I really like. Please let me know if anything seems off about this one, and or you want me to graft something from an old one!


Dear Agent,

Aaren Danielson is a disturbed thirteen-year-old facing the ominous choice of sacrificing his life for a world he struggles to care about, or watching it burn. Aaren’s life begins to unravel when he makes a curious discovery while researching for a family tree project. A heated discussion at home leads to a startling confession by Hank and Eunice Danielson. Aaren wasn’t adopted. His biological parents handed handed him over in a secret exchange for his protection.

He doesn’t want to believe them. Struggling to deal with his feelings of anger and disappointment, Aaren’s life only gets worse. During the day, he experiences visions and voices speaking to him, warning him to trust no one. At night, he is plagued by nightmares of ancient battles between warriors who never die and visions of himself, older and battle-hardened, fighting a monstrous figure covered in ancient tattoos.

Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find his parents, but dangers lurk around every corner. A mysterious drifter is stalking him, and a powerful but secretive organization of assassins is hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will discover a terrifying fate-he must die for humanity to survive the return of the Devagma and his Immortal Acolytes.

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is an edgy young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

I think you're very close! The first paragraph reads very stale to me, to be honest. It just doesn't "pop" like it should. I think you can cut more words out of this query by trimming that first paragraph into fewer sentences. The first sentence doesn't tell us anything about the book. It just attempts to hook us - but the only thing that is going to hook is to give us the juicy details.

Thirteen-year-old Aaren Danielson hits a snag while researching for a family tree project. His biological parents aren't dead. They gave him away for his own safety.

That's VERY rough, but it should give you an idea of how you can make this more exciting. Pack your sentences with as much specific information that you can. You say he's disturbed, but how? He seems fine to me. Instead of adjectives, give us action.


Dear Agent,

Aaren Danielson is a disturbed thirteen-year-old facing the ominous choice of sacrificing his life for a world he struggles to care about, or watching it burn. Aaren’s life begins to unravel when he makes a curious discovery while researching for a family tree project. A heated discussion at home leads to a startling confession by Hank and Eunice Danielson. Aaren wasn’t adopted. His biological parents handed handed him over in a secret exchange for his protection.

Paragraph two is pretty good.

He doesn’t want to believe them. Struggling to deal with his feelings of anger and disappointment, Aaren’s life only gets worse. During the day, he experiences visions and voices speaking to him, warning him to trust no one. At night, he is plagued by nightmares of ancient battles between warriors who never die I don't get the "warriors who never die" part...does he see them in battle getting beheaded and they don't die?and visions of himself, older and battle-hardened, fighting a monstrous figure covered in ancient tattoos. The ending is good.

Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find his parents, but dangers lurk around every corner. A mysterious drifter is stalking him, and a powerful but secretive organization of assassins is hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will discover a terrifying fate-he must die for humanity to survive the return of the Devagma and his Immortal Acolytes I might be scared...if I knew who the Devagma was. Instead of a name, give us specifics. What's the specific threat?.

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is an edgy young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen angst of The Catcher in the Rye.[/quote]
Other than that, I think you're good to go. Good luck with this!

thanks whipslip! I shouldn't be home with a samuel adams in my hand, redoing queries on a saturday night haha. Lets see if the improvements work! I wanted to avoid using supernatural evil in the query so i tried to personify the evil. I think it works but may its better to not give the name...

Dear Agent,

Thirteen-year-old Aaren Danielson’s life begins to unravel when a giant lie is finally exposed in a violent confrontation with Hank and Eunice Danielson. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety, and the only token of their existence is a talisman Aaren wears with a family crest carved into its surface.

He doesn’t want to believe them. Struggling to deal with his feelings of anger and disappointment, Aaren’s life only gets worse. Voices speak to him, warning him to trust no one He is plagued by nightmares of ancient battles between warriors who refuse to die, fighting with swords and dozens of arrows sticking out of their chests. Through visions of the future, he sees himself, older and battle-hardened, fighting a monstrous figure covered in primeval tattoos named Devagma.

Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find his parents, but dangers lurk around every corner. A mysterious drifter is stalking him, and a powerful but secretive organization of assassins is hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will discover a terrifying fate. He must die for humanity to survive the return of the Immortal Acolytes, who await Devagma's return to finish what they began thousands of years ago-enslaving the world under their rule.

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is an edgy young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

Write2Me wrote:thanks whipslip! I shouldn't be home with a samuel adams in my hand, redoing queries on a saturday night haha. Funny you should say this - since I was also home on a Saturday night, with a Sam Adams, critiquing other people's queries! haha

Dear Agent,

Thirteen-year-old Aaren Danielson’s life begins to unravel when a giant lie is finally exposed in a violent confrontation with Hank and Eunice DanielsonI think this sentence is still missing a punch. You're focusing on the mundane, rather than the intriguing. The intriguing part is that his parents aren't dead, and they gave him up to keep him safe. Aaren fighting with his adopted parents isn't that interesting. I would stick with Aaren working on his school project, and then the introduction of the catalyst: his biological parents aren't dead - they gave him away for his own safety.. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety, and the only token of their existence is a talisman Aaren wears with a family crest carved into its surface.

He doesn’t want to believe themThis also doesn't add anything. Be as concise as specific as you can. He finds out his real parents aren't dead, and now he's having visions of ancient battles and seeing himself as a warrior.. Struggling to deal with his feelings of anger and disappointment, Aaren’s life only gets worse. Voices speak to him, warning him to trust no one He is plagued by nightmares of ancient battles between warriors who refuse to die, fighting with swords and dozens of arrows sticking out of their chests. Through visions of the future, he sees himself, older and battle-hardened, fighting a monstrous figure covered in primeval tattoos named Devagma.

Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find his parents This is good. It's concise action., but dangers lurk around every corner. A mysterious drifter is stalking him, and a powerful but secretive organization of assassins is hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will discover a terrifying fate. He must die for humanity to survive the return of the Immortal Acolytes, who await Devagma's return to finish what they began thousands of years ago-enslaving the world under their rule Good sense of the threat here. That really works..

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is an edgy young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

My only other comment is that this lacks voice. It's a synopsis, but doesn't show your skills as a writer. Try to infuse the query with how your book feels as someone is reading it. Hope that makes sense.

Boston Lager? Haha! See how this works for you...i tried to give it more 'voice'.

Dear Agent,


Aaren’s life as a high school outcaste sucks, but things get seriously screwed up when Hank and Eunice Danielson drop a bombshell. His biological parents aren’t dead. They gave him away for his own safety, and the only token of their existence is a talisman with family crest carved into its surface worn around Aaren’s neck.

Pissed off, Aaren channels his inner rebel, which is only fun until his life spirals further out of control. Voices echo in his head, warning him to trust no one, and he is plagued by nightmares of ancient battles between warriors who refuse to die, fighting with swords and dozens of arrows sticking out of their chests. Through visions of the future, he sees himself, older and battle-hardened, fighting a monstrous figure covered in primeval tattoos named Devagma.

Desperate to regain control of his life, he embarks on a mission to find his parents, but dangers lurk around every corner. A mysterious drifter is stalking him, and a powerful but secretive organization of assassins is hunting him down. If he can survive long enough to find his parents, he will discover a terrifying fate. He must die for humanity to survive the return of the Immortal Acolytes, who await Devagma's return to finish what they began thousands of years ago-enslaving the world under their rule.

FOREVER YOUNG: THE REBIRTH is an edgy young adult fantasy novel, complete at 64,000 words. The novel combines the low fantasy and family drama of Tuck Everlasting, and teen angst of The Catcher in the Rye.

I like it. The voice definitely works for you. See what others think...