Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Attempt 3

Dear Agent,

Michelle couldn’t believe it when her father was found dead—as far as she knew; he’d been dead her whole life. Now, she finds her mother might still be alive, and if she hopes to ever meet her again, Michelle must find her.

Michelle moves into her old parent’s mansion to find her parents were no common scientists, but ones who owned a secret research facility functioning right underneath her own home! There, she meets Jason, a charming, if distant young man who also happens to be a test subject. His kind known as Pulsapiens for their slow beating hearts, Jason is gifted with strength, speed and intelligence far beyond average. However his condition rendered a defect: he is incapable of emotions—that is, until he meets Michelle.

These emotions are far from normal as he realize her mere presence sends fire carving its way through every vein, all starting from his pounding heart. Jason is under tremendous physical strain, and as long as Michelle stays with him, Jason could very well possibly die.

All the while, Michelle discovers Metamorphose Industry, a rival research facility, is holding her mother captive. She is soon broached with an offer that could possibly save a man she’s growing to love and a mother she never knew. It’ll just take a sacrifice on her part.

“Beating the Heart” is my first novel and is a XXX word work of __________.

I have previously published a scholarly article in the book.... (and so on)

Thank you for your consideration.

Best wishes,
[Me]

First off, A great, big thank you to Kaitlyn for getting me started with this version!!
I've got sort of a problem attaching a genre. I think there is a general consensus that this is YA and maybe paranormal romance. Can someone help me fill in the blank?
I still need to spice this up. It seems kind of dull, but i feel like i'm going in the right direction, thanks to all those who helped out!!!
Please continue to critique this WIP :)

Genre can be tough but we'll make it simple(r). First, and biggest, question is : who do you see reading this? If you don't know the answer to that question, FIGURE IT OUT because knowing your audience is a pretty huge part of this process. So think about who you see reading the book.

If it's young adults, the book is YA. Simple.

If it's not then ask yourself:

What is the main conflict, what is the main point of interest in the story? (If it is the romance itself, then it's a romance.) (If it's the internal, philosophical development of a character, it's probably literary) (if it's a series of plot events, it's probably commercial) (if it's the paranormal aspect, it's probably sci fi).

I know it's probably a mix of all those things, as it should be. But, when someone asks you, what is this about, which one of those conflicts do you highlight when giving a short answer? That should help you pin point genre. Audience and conflict/point of interest.

Good luck! FYI, I think the premise sounds very interesting. I like that you're toying with a new type of superpower/superhuman-- good work!

I like this synopsis much better. Much more succinct, lets us know that there are two storylines and that Michelle has a big sacrifice to make. The only thing that's missing would be to include Michelle's age somewhere so they can get a sense of who she is.

More specific edits:

esther wrote:Attempt 3

Dear Agent,

Michelle couldn’t believe it when her father was found dead—as far as she knew; <--use comma instead of semicolon he’d been dead her whole life. (consider changing from "he'd been dead" to "both her parents had been dead". might be a little more clear, but not sure. Now, she finds her mother might still be alive, and if she hopes to ever meet her again, Michelle must find her.you've used the word "find" twice in one sentence. I would change the first one to "learns" or change both of them to a more exciting verb.

Michelle moves into her old parent’s mansion to find her parents were no common scientists, but ones who owned a secret research facility functioning right underneath her own home! (<--try not to use "parent's" and "parents" within a few words of each other. rephrase to be less awkward) There, she meets Jason, a charming, if distant young man who also happens to be "happens to be" vs just plain "is" a test subject--and a Pulsapien, a new breed of humans with slow beating hearts. (then delete next phrase which doesn't quite fit in the sentence--->. His kind known as Pulsapiens for their slow beating hearts, Jason is gifted with strength, speed and intelligence far beyond average. However his condition unclear what you mean by "condition" rendered a defect: he is incapable of emotions—that is, until he meets Michelle.

These emotions are far from normal as he realize(s) her mere presence sends fire carving its way through every vein, all starting from his pounding heart. Jason is under tremendous physical strain, and as long as Michelle stays with him, Jason could very well possibly die.

All the while, Michelle discovers (that?) Metamorphose Industry, a rival research facility, is holding her mother captive. She is soon broached with an offer They make her an offer that could possibly save a man she’s growing to love and a mother she never knew. ("a man" and "a mother" vs "the man" and "the mother--doesn't change much, but is something to consider) It’ll just take a sacrifice on her part. <---I like the idea of this last line, but doesn't quite come across as powerful as you mean it to.

“Beating the Heart” is my first novel and is a XXX word work of __________.

I have previously published a scholarly article in the book.... (and so on)

Thank you for your consideration.

Best wishes,
[Me]

First off, A great, big thank you to Kaitlyn for getting me started with this version!!
I've got sort of a problem attaching a genre. I think there is a general consensus that this is YA and maybe paranormal romance. Can someone help me fill in the blank?
I still need to spice this up. It seems kind of dull, but i feel like i'm going in the right direction, thanks to all those who helped out!!!
Please continue to critique this WIP :)
Please see the above response for more info about genre, but it might help if you read over some YA paranormal books (of which there are loads right now) or other relevant genres and see how yours fits in.

Attempt #3 is certainly the best so far, now you just need to punch it up a bit! More tension is needed in her saving mom versus boyfriend again.