OneChoice1 wrote:
Rachel McSwain's always running. From her abusive father, bullets, and cops.
Good start.
When she's betrayed by a co-conspirator, Rachel lands a life sentence for murder.
Whoa. What conspiracy? What is she mixed up in?
Are you really going to skip us over this?
The last thing this seventeen year old expects is being presented with a second chance at life.
Awkward. The last thing she expects is being. Presented. Like she expects many things and this is the last. The last is a second. And she's already serving 'life', and now a second chance at life. Using life to mean two opposite things. Is the best term for getting a second chance "being presented"? The resonance of your words and terms seems off.
All she has to do to keep her freedom is live
Awkward. All she has to do is live?
in a remote Washington town for a trial period of thirteen months
Awkward. All she has to do is live for a trial period?
with a experimental microchip implanted in her brain. Before she's sent to Washington,
Is there any way to avoid mentioning Washington again? Better to move forward than repeat.
Rachel tries to bail out of the deal,
Odd phrase, "bail out of the deal", using a jail/legal term "bail" as a cliche for opt out. May be confusing to a fast-reading agent.
and in turn,
In turn to what? Omit.
discovers the purpose of the chip: it renders her incapable of physically harming anyone without suffering excruciating pain herself.
"It renders" Improper tense/word choice to relate to "purpose". It's purpose is to render. Or, perhaps omit the colon and simply say, ",which is to render her"
Now she has no choice but to play along.
A narrow escape from an errant skateboard introduces her to Alan Pierce. He enjoys her sarcastic humor and wants to show her why he worships Jesus Christ. Bitter from her limitations,
"Bitter from her limitations" is grammatically incorrect and/or clumsy. Bitter because of (or due to) her limitations.
Also, "limitations" is a generic word, too general for a query. Bitter because of the microchip? Why would she be bitter about this? It is giving her freedom so long as she doesn't get into a fight. Is this so hard for her? Why? If it is not bitterness about the microchip, what is it?
Rachel has no desire to hear about forgiveness or repentance even as Alan's persistence and turquoise eyes lure her to take a chance on love.
Awkward to, in effect, say she has no desire for this but does have desire for that. The double desire is alright, but it could be presented more elegantly. More clearly, and with more tension. For starters, it is always stronger to say what she is thinking and does desire, than to rely on what she has "no desire" for.
The problem is, he’s more interested in showing her the way of Christ, and what’s worse, his beautiful eyes are fixed on another.
Awkward. Here you, in effect, say the problem is...and then another problem is. Can you simply say, "But he's more interested..." to eliminate one of the "problem is"s?
That doesn’t dissuade her, and she attempts to make Alan fall for her—taking advice from romance novels, magazines and movies.
Awkward. Words like "dissuade" and "attempts to" are weak in a query, and don't convey any longing or emotional desire.
Also, why is it important to state that she is taking advice from media? Is she incapable of proceeding by her own instincts and heart. Why so? If this is important, please explain here, as it seems unusual.
Also, is "taking advice" really the term for it? Do romance novels and movies give advice? Wouldn't it be more taking inspiration, or getting ideas?
The more she hangs around Alan, the more she remembers her past and relives it.
Hangs around Alan? Awkward. Unromantic. And unspecific. How about spends time with Alan, or something.
"Remembers her past and relives it" is too general. Her terrible childhood? The conspiracy (of which we know nothing). Please fill us in so we can empathize with this character.
Rachel tries to use her pursuit of love as a distraction from history, but her efforts are fruitless.
The phrases "tries to use her pursuit" "distraction from history" and "efforts are fruitless" lack the punch needed to make this situation sizzle. Can you lay this out for us in less sophisticated terms and more viscerally? Illuminating the emotion behind it?
She harbors resentment for Alan, and it gets to the point where it takes her crippling chip to stop her from hurting him.
Same for "harbors resentment" (how about 'feels anger') and "it gets to the point where"
Also, odd to call it a "crippling chip". Sounds like a chip on her shoulder. Why not just say "microchip" rather than being poetic here. Just clearly give us the data.
And, so fate intervenes, the chip gives her excruciating pain, she has no choice, she can't hurt him, thus her dilemma is moot, it is out of her hands. So what is the conflict? I would think it would be internal to her, how can she control herself to avoid the microchip's pain?
Rachel refuses to believe an almighty God allowed her to suffer for as long as she did, or that she could be redeemed.
What suffering, for how long? You've given no background on Rachel. So all we can say is okay...
I think you need to get us behind her. Give us more of her background and what makes her tick.
She'll never see the light. Alan should spend his energy elsewhere—like falling in love with her. Since he won't, Rachel plans to murder his faith in her by revealing her sins.
An odd ending in that we haven't seen Alan's faith in her. Faith in her for what?
Also, as written this does not seem like a heavy crux of a story, she plans to reveal her sins? Which sins (sins is too general) To hurt him? And this will be romantic? How so? Will this bring them together?
RUNNING FROM THE LIGHT is an inspirational romance
Inspirational, how? Not sure how you've shown this above. Romance, how. Not sure you've shown this above.
and is approximately blah blah blah words. Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.
How many words? Also, no need to say approximately. Simply round up or down to the nearest thousand.
Good luck with your rewriting and querying.