Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Jeanne Bannon wrote:I've never written a query before so any and all help is appreciated
Thanks in advance!

Hey, Jeannie, girl. Had to let you know I was here. Thanks for giving me the heads up on the site. I posted a query! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I've already gotten some great suggestions!

So, let me put my 2cents in... again! LOL

Dear

Please consider representing my novel Darkness Becomes Her.

Darkness Becomes Her is a paranormal thriller of 105,000 words. [It tells the story of] ***I'd take this out and start a new paragraph with Dane Westwood...

Dane Westwood, is a spiritual warrior/vigilante. She possesses the ability to not only peer beyond this reality into the world of spirit, but she’s able to see entity attachments in the energy fields of those around her.

Start another paragraph here. Dane and her best friend June are dispatched on a mission to save humanity by a mysterious Dark Angel. The Dark Angel guides the women, leading them to Costa Rica and a handsome and gifted healer named Gregorio Pappas. Although Gregorio can perform miracles, he is also tangled up in a plot that involves reducing the world’s population.

Move this down also.The book culminates with Dane’s decision to abandon June to join the handsome healer in his diabolical plot. She believes she loves him, but it is a power beyond her that’s driving her into Gregorio’s arms [and] I'd cut this for nefarious reasons.

Presently, I work as a freelance editor and have done so full-time for almost twenty years. I am a former freelance writer with a journalism degree and have published several short stories and articles.

You can contact me at any time. I hope my book’s premise has intrigued you. I look forward to your response.

Since I've read the novel, (and you know I loved it) I can say that you've done a great job if laying out the story in a so few words. Well done!

Sincerely,

Jeanne Bannon

suesan0814 wrote:

Jeanne Bannon wrote:I've never written a query before so any and all help is appreciated
Thanks in advance!

Hey, Jeannie, girl. Had to let you know I was here. Thanks for giving me the heads up on the site. I posted a query! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I've already gotten some great suggestions!

So, let me put my 2cents in... again! LOL

Dear

Please consider representing my novel Darkness Becomes Her.

Darkness Becomes Her is a paranormal thriller of 105,000 words. [It tells the story of] ***I'd take this out and start a new paragraph with Dane Westwood...

Dane Westwood, is a spiritual warrior/vigilante. She possesses the ability to not only peer beyond this reality into the world of spirit, but she’s able to see entity attachments in the energy fields of those around her.

Start another paragraph here. Dane and her best friend June are dispatched on a mission to save humanity by a mysterious Dark Angel. The Dark Angel guides the women, leading them to Costa Rica and a handsome and gifted healer named Gregorio Pappas. Although Gregorio can perform miracles, he is also tangled up in a plot that involves reducing the world’s population.

Move this down also.The book culminates with Dane’s decision to abandon June to join the handsome healer in his diabolical plot. She believes she loves him, but it is a power beyond her that’s driving her into Gregorio’s arms [and] I'd cut this for nefarious reasons.

Presently, I work as a freelance editor and have done so full-time for almost twenty years. I am a former freelance writer with a journalism degree and have published several short stories and articles.

You can contact me at any time. I hope my book’s premise has intrigued you. I look forward to your response.

Since I've read the novel, (and you know I loved it) I can say that you've done a great job if laying out the story in a so few words. Well done!

Sincerely,

Jeanne Bannon

Jeanne Bannon wrote:
I am seeking representation for my paranormal thriller DARKNESS BECOMES HER.

Dane Westwood is a vigilante, a warrior of the spirit world.

She has the unique ability to see beyond our world and into the world of spirit.

Because of her gift, Dane and her best friend June are dispatched on a mission to save humanity from a virulent manmade virus by the mysterious Dark Angel.

The Dark Angel, who only appears as a shadow, guides the women, leading them to Costa Rica

and a handsome and gifted healer named Gregorio Pappas. Although Gregorio can perform miracles, he is leading the plot to reduce the world’s population to a mere half million people.

Dane’s mission to murder Gregorio is complicated when she falls in love with him.

DARKNESS BECOMES HER is a paranormal thriller complete at 105,000 words. It would appeal to the fans of Lisa Jackson.

I have been a freelance editor for the last twenty years. I have worked as a freelance writer and hold a degree in journalism and have published several short stories and articles. Recently, my stories have appeared in Unheard Magazine, The Earth Comes First and Ex Cathedra.

Thanks for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

Jeanne Bannon wrote:Because of her gift, Dane and her best friend June are dispatched on a mission to save humanity from a virulent manmade virus by the mysterious Dark Angel.

Jeanne Bannon wrote:Dane’s mission to murder Gregorio is complicated when she falls in love with him.

Dane Westwood is a vigilante, a warrior of the spirit world.<--This could be better by condensing it to “Dane Westwood is a vigilante of the spirit world.” However, it still suffers from the vagueness mentioned by Quill--<< She has the unique ability to see beyond our world and into the world of spirit.<--When I first read this, it seemed redundant. If she is a vigilante (or a warrior) of the spirit world, then of course she can see beyond our world. I think you need a more tangible way to establish that she is both a regular human and is a spirit vigilante.--<< Because of her gift, Dane and her best friend June are dispatched on a mission to save humanity from a virulent manmade virus by the mysterious Dark Angel.<--I had to read this sentence and the following one a few times to figure out the Dark Angel didn’t make the virus. Also, it’s passive. Much stronger would be: “Because of her gift, a mysterious Dark Angel dispatches Dane and her best friend June on a mission to save humanity from a virulent manmade virus.” It could use even more improvement, but it’s much stronger that way.--<< The Dark Angel, who only appears as a shadow,<--I don’t think you need this. It clutters it up, and it really tells us nothing about the story.--<< guides the women, leading them to Costa Rica and a handsome and gifted healer named Gregorio Pappas. Although Gregorio can perform miracles, he is leading the plot to reduce the world’s population to a mere half million people.<--This sentence, in my humble opinion, is where the tension gets tangled and confusing. Try to make the tension unfold*--<< Dane’s mission to murder Gregorio is complicated when she falls in love with him.