Nathan Bransford - The Forums

Posted: **April 8th, 2010, 12:35 pm**

JustineDell wrote:[quote="brandi_fey"

Dear [Agent],

Sixteen-year-old Jade, the youngest of Thorndarl’s thirteen princesses, never expected to rule, so she spends her days dreaming of dragons and her nights sneaking out of the castle to sleep on a rock shaped like a dragon’s head. But when the famed dragonslayer, Drake, claims her for his bride, all her childish fantasies are shattered<--aside from hating the arranged marriage aspect, why does this shattered her childish fantasies. Did you she want to marry a dragon? , and she prays for escape from her arranged marriage.

Lol. No, she doesn't want to marry a dragon. But she does LOVE dragons, and to marry a dragonslayer (who's occupation, in her mind, is obscene) would crush a lot of her dreams. Does that make sense? Please let me know if I need to clarify this more.

Her salvation comes on wings when a dragon whisks her away to the war-ravaged land of Yealanthe. She is proclaimed the Dragon Queen and charged with the task of reuniting Yealanthe and usurping the dreaded Dark One, a black dragon with a heart as dark as his scales. But when allies become enemies and the Dark One's influence grows like a malignant weed, Jade realizes that the dragons’ only hope might rest with the one man she hoped to never see again: her husband.

At 85,000 words THE DRAGON QUEEN is a YA fantasy. Per your submission guidelines…

Sincerely,

[Redacted]

Wow - this story sounds really neat! And your query is pretty darned tight as-is. I only have one concern. You have a few sentences in there that are REALLY long. Your first sentence is almost 40 words. A humble suggestion would be to break them up. Other than that - nice!

~JD[/quote]
Thanks, JD. It looks like I'm going to have to chop up those sentences, since more than a couple people have suggested it. I appreciate your input!

Posted: **April 10th, 2010, 9:19 pm**

You have an amazing southern charm about you! If there was a little bit of your lovable personality into the query, I'm sure your personality would sell more than the novel. It is very hard in fiction fantasy to come up with a unique idea, so even though this sounds simple, I'm sure your charm will sell it. When I read your query post header, I thought it said Drag Queen. Hahahaha. You might want to slow down them run-ons, and even though this is a great query, I think you could give a little more.
Where are you from, Brandi.
I'm from Covington, GA
My social security is... I'm just J.K Rowling with you!

Posted: **April 12th, 2010, 12:28 pm**

Mary-Catharine wrote:You have an amazing southern charm about you! If there was a little bit of your lovable personality into the query, I'm sure your personality would sell more than the novel. It is very hard in fiction fantasy to come up with a unique idea, so even though this sounds simple, I'm sure your charm will sell it. When I read your query post header, I thought it said Drag Queen. Hahahaha. You might want to slow down them run-ons, and even though this is a great query, I think you could give a little more.
Where are you from, Brandi.
I'm from Covington, GA
My social security is... I'm just J.K Rowling with you!

Thank you for your suggestions, Mary. I'll try to sell myself in the "bio" paragraph, but I'm hoping the story itself will stand on its own.

And I'm from Arkansas.

Nathan Bransford - The Forums

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