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Re: Around the Source - NEW [Fantasy]
Posted: August 23rd, 2010, 4:44 pm
by tchann
Attempt #3. Every time I try to edit my query, I just end up rewriting it. Maybe one of these times I'll get it right?
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It's not like Charley Kuten likes her boring retail job, but she could certainly use the extra money her potential promotion is offering. But before she can decide on whether or not to accept, a familiar old man yanks her into a strange fantasy world and gives her only a sealed missive to point the way home.
Confusion gets pushed aside to make way for practicality, and Charley starts to tag along on other people's quests so that she can get the old man's letter delivered. But when the stubborn Kellynnian princess stumbles upon the message, Charley is pulled into a decades-long political mess that only the truth can untangle.
With a war brewing at the border, Charley ends up on a dangerous journey into enemy territory - not just to satisfy the distressed princess, but to find the missing wizard who may be the only person who can get her back home.
AROUND THE SOURCE is a 103,000-word fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration!
Re: Around the Source - NEW [Fantasy]
Posted: August 23rd, 2010, 10:28 pm
by thewhipslip
tchann wrote:
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It's not like Charley Kuten likes her boring retail job, but she could certainly use the extra money her potential promotion is offering You're starting out with a lot negativity here. Your first sentence reads like: Well, my main character doesn't really like her job but she's broke and she might be getting a promotion and maybe she'll take it even if she doesn't like her job. Give me something about Charley that's certain. That'll make me want to read more about her.. But before she can decide on whether or not to accept, a familiar old man yanks her into a strange fantasy world and gives her only a sealed missive to point the way home. I'm left with the question: why? And you've got to tell us, or else this sentence is a big bouncy ball full of random. Queries are always better when the sentences are direct. You're here to give an agent information.
Confusion gets pushed aside to make way for practicality This start doesn't make sense to me., and Charley starts to tag along on other people's quests so that she can get the old man's letter delivered Okay, so she's delivering a letter...I'm starting to feel the drive of the story here, but not quite. Again, be direct. What does Charley have to do and why?. But when the stubborn Kellynnian princess stumbles upon the message, Charley is pulled into a decades-long political mess that only the truth can untangle What's in the message and why is it important? You're leaving me out of the loop..
With a war brewing at the border, Charley ends up on a dangerous journey into enemy territory - not just to satisfy the distressed princess, but to find the missing wizard who may be the only person who can get her back home. Again, I'm left with why? Why is Charley there and why is she important? That's all crucial information. I think you're going for a cute feel to this, but it's leaving the query in Vague City. I would try a version that loses your "voice" entirely just so you can get a brief synopsis together, then work on livening the sentences after you've done that. Hope this helps!
AROUND THE SOURCE is a 103,000-word fantasy novel. Thank you for your time and consideration!
Re: Around the Source (Fantasy) - Attempt #3
Posted: August 25th, 2010, 4:01 am
by a3writer
Despite being adopted, Charley Kuten still ended up with her grandfather's given name. Even moving across the country to become an electronics retail slave wasn't enough to get out from under her mother's overprotective thumb. Every day is exactly the same...until a This is backstory and prologue. Jump in with the story. nice old man teleports her to Kellynia, a world of magic, prophecy, and an entire kingdom out for revenge. cliche. maybe embroiled in war. Be more specific about this, and why it affects Charley.
Charley ends up in the unfamiliar land of Kellynnia, trying to deliver the old man's message while hunting for a way back home. She discovers she's been dragged into a terrible political mess that goes back two decades, involving a naive farmer and a prophesied princess. This just seems weird that a farmer and princess are having a big political fight. Also, be more specific and active. Show the political mess instead of tell usThe unassuming farmer, Rian, is searching for his missing father, who just happens the last mage in Kellynnia who could possibly get Charley home again. This just confuses me. I'm not sure where this came from. The farmer is in a political struggle with a princess and searching for his father, who happens to be the only person who can Charley home? Is Rian's farmer the same person who sent Charley to Kellynia in the first place? I think this needs to be reworked because I'm just not getting it.
When the princess Tiremenya accidentally intercepts Charley's message, the three set off together on a journey to find Rian's father, discover the truth behind Tiremenya's birth, stop a war in the making and maybe - just maybe - get Charley back home again. Wait, I thought she was fighting with Rian in the political mess.
AROUND THE SOURCE is a 102,000-word fantasy novel.
I'm not getting a clear sense of conflict here. What is Charley's choice? She just seems to follow along with this whole quest with no actions herself. That and I just don't know anything about her save that she worked retail. What is it about her that the reader should care about her?
Thank you for your time and consideration!