Revision number six

[JaEvans]

New Query on second page of post.

[bronwyn1]

Dear Agent:
Hello. I’m looking for an agent to represent my book, Jonathan Cornwallis and the World of Light and Shadow, complete at 190,000-words. I have also just begun the sequel, Jonathan Cornwallis and the Order of Viata
If I had to encapsulate my book in a few sentences it would be this:

-Move the title of the book and the word count to the end of the query. Start with the action.
-Also, I wouldn't mention a sequel, but that's just me. It might rub the agent the wrong way and come across as presumptuous.

Whether it’s musket shot, cannon fire, the beast that haunts his dreams, or a well placed frying pan to the side of his head, Jonathan Cornwallis must overcome insurmountable odds in reaching his destination. What he finds on the road to personal redemption is that love, murder, war, and power, are all caught up in the pull of the World of Light and Shadow, as is his own destiny.

-This part is good to me except I think you should probably make your sentences shorter (I have this problem too). Try your best to keep them under 20 words.

Jonathan Cornwallis was misguided in his youth and is now struggling to find the young man inside. I greatly enjoyed writing about his journey. The context of his life and journey is as such:

This is telling. Show, don't tell also applies in queries.

With the Seven Years War between England and France not far behind it may be just me, but the first part of this sentence is confusing there are other tensions rising across the world besides those in the America’s no apostrophe in Americas. In 1769 it has been thousands of years since a child of the Son’s again, no apostrophe in Sons here. I hate to sound nitpicky but your query is where you show agents that you can write well. And agents I think would frown upon punctuation errors, no matter how minor of God has returned to the World of Light and Shadow and there are those who would like to see it stay that way. It is here that Jonathan Cornwallis finds himself, and it is here that he is confronted with a crossroads in his life, locking him on an epic journey that will take him to the edges of everything he has ever known to be true, and beyond. Anne DeVries, both the woman he loves and the King’s illegitimate daughter, has been whisked back to France while Jonathan is left to pick up the pieces of a life coming apart. With his father’s recent disappearance he must choose between love and family loyalty. If not for his knack at getting into trouble Jonathan would never have been sent to study under his uncle, the Arch Bishop, in the first place. Ironically, it will take the same free spirit to guide him towards his destiny. Now, as the nightmares strengthen, Jonathan must confront his own personal demons in search of those he has lost while Anne faces a nightmarish homecoming all her own. The path before him would be difficult enough without having to shield himself from those seeking the power Jonathan possesses; a power he himself has yet to discover. Whose agenda will win out depends on the young lad’s every decision and the friends he makes on the way.

-This is a giant block of text. Really bad if you're email querying. Try to break it up into separate paragraphs. White space is awesome.
-Also, sentences are too long. Make your sentences shorter.

Now, a little about me. I have been telling stories and writing in various forms since I was very young. Due to my own life experience as a misguided youth I never found the time to pursue writing as a serious career. I hold a B.A. in psychology and a Masters in counselling psychology from Trinity Western University. It was actually during an undergrad literary fiction class that I was once again sparked with the desire to write. This story has come out of a culmination of life experience, education, and years of daydreaming. I am passionate about this book and hope you find yourself feeling the same way.
Thank you very much for your time and consideration. I would be happy to send the manuscript to you for consideration and have enclosed a SASE for your convenience.

-With regards to credentials, I would only add them if a) you've been published before somewhere (LitMag, Journal, etc) or b) your credentials pertain to what you're writing about (i.e. if you're writing about Medieval Spain and you have a degree in Iberian Studies, I would mention that)
-Don't talk about how you've always wanted to write in a query. Agents see that and automatically think amateur.

[Quill]

Below is my actual Query Letter. I have visited many sites that have example letters and advice but I am not confident that my letter is catching the right kind of attention. Any advice or comments would be appreciated.

Dear Agent:
Hello. I’m looking for an agent to represent my book,

Greeting not needed. And statement of obvious unnecessary.

Jonathan Cornwallis and the World of Light and Shadow, complete at 190,000-words.

Cut one third of the manuscript. Even for a fantasy it is way too long for a first novel.

I have also just begun the sequel, Jonathan Cornwallis and the Order of Viata.

Never attempt to sell more than one book per query. Or even allude to another.

If I had to encapsulate my book in a few sentences it would be this:

Don't promise to encapsulate. Just do it.

Whether it’s musket shot, cannon fire, the beast that haunts his dreams, or a well placed frying pan to the side of his head,

Well placed is a weak modifier, something which has no place in a query.

Jonathan Cornwallis must overcome insurmountable odds

If they are insurmountable we already know he will fail.

in reaching his destination.

To reach. Not in reaching. Also, odds and destination are vague just when you should be specific.

What he finds on the road to personal redemption

Redemption? For what?

is that love, murder, war, and power, are all caught up in the pull of the World of Light and Shadow,

Incoherent.

as is his own destiny.

Purple.

Jonathan Cornwallis was misguided in his youth

Leave out the back story.

and is now struggling to find the young man inside.

Cliche.

I greatly enjoyed writing about his journey.

Expression of your feelings have no place in a query.

The context of his life and journey is as such:

Again, don't lay it out, just do it.

With the Seven Years War between England and France not far behind there are other tensions rising across the world besides those in the America’s. In 1769 it has been thousands of years since a child of the Son’s of God has returned to the World of Light and Shadow and there are those who would like to see it stay that way. It is here that Jonathan Cornwallis finds himself,

Too much scene setting for a query.

and it is here that he is confronted with a crossroads in his life, locking him on an epic journey that will take him to the edges of everything he has ever known to be true, and beyond.

Crossroads, epic journey, known to be true, are cliches. Locking him, edges, and beyond are unspecific and purple.

Anne DeVries, both the woman he loves

Both makes it sound like two women.

and the King’s illegitimate daughter, has been whisked back to France

Whisked? Like by a broom?

while Jonathan is left to pick up the pieces of a life coming apart.

Cliche and vague.

With his father’s recent disappearance he must choose between love and family loyalty.

Getting to be too much info. Practice condensing entire story into three sentences, then maybe think of adding max one or two more.

If not for his knack at getting into trouble Jonathan would never have been sent to study under his uncle, the Arch Bishop, in the first place.

Too many characters for a query. You did say query, did you not? This is reading like a synopsis.

Ironically, it will take the same free spirit to guide him towards his destiny.

There is that vague, purple word destiny again.

Now, as the nightmares strengthen,

Strengthen? Find a stronger word.

Jonathan must confront his own personal demons

Find an original way to say personal demons.

in search of those he has lost while Anne faces a nightmarish homecoming all her own.

We don't care about Anne in a query.

The path before him would be difficult enough without having to shield himself from those seeking the power Jonathan possesses; a power he himself has yet to discover. Whose agenda will win out depends on the young lad’s every decision and the friends he makes on the way.

Doesn't it always?

Now, a little about me.

If there is something pertinent to add, just do it.

I have been telling stories and writing in various forms since I was very young. Due to my own life experience as a misguided youth I never found the time to pursue writing as a serious career. I hold a B.A. in psychology and a Masters in counselling psychology from Trinity Western University. It was actually during an undergrad literary fiction class that I was once again sparked with the desire to write. This story has come out of a culmination of life experience, education, and years of daydreaming.

Not pertinent.

I am passionate about this book and hope you find yourself feeling the same way.

Omit the chat.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

This is good.

I would be happy to send the manuscript to you for consideration

Goes without saying, so don't say it.

and have enclosed a SASE for your convenience.

Probably your email address would be better.

Sincerely,
Author

Good luck. I was especially hard on you because you posted this request as your first post to the forum. If you were to read the guidelines written by our illustrious leader Nathan, you would see the request that a poster participate for a while before asking the forum for critique help. But what the heck. I'm a newbie, too. Welcome to the forums, from one noob to another! Hope you enjoy it, as I already have, reading here for the past week or so.

[JaEvans]

Thank you for your fantastic feedback. I have revised my query letter and posted it over the old one. Can you please take a look and let me know what else I can do to improve it.

I can not begin to let you know how much I appreciate the feedback. Thanks again.

[Erica75]

I think most of Quill's advice was good, but half of the suggestions were that you were too vague and half were that you were too specific and I don't think that worked out very well. I'm not finding a voice in this new one and parts are just darn confusing. Not enough of a hook in the first sentence - it's too long and vague. Also, for some reason the phrase "nineteen years on this earth" made me think sci-fi, but the second paragraph makes it sound like historical (maybe even Christian), and the 3rd makes it sound fantasy. You define your genre later, so keep the query pertinent to that (but I'm still wondering if it's YA or adult fiction). Could your paragraph about The World of Light and Shadow be used as the hook? Other than the information that it's 1769, I'd either completely reword or take out your first two paragraphs and use the extra words to add to the third, then break it back up into 3 paragraphs (white space really is good). And if Anne is a main character, I do care about her, so work her back in if she's pertinent.

Also, if you are absolutely determined to keep it at 190,000 words, you're going to need a darned good reason why. If it's world-building, fit that in the query. Your references to the World are all very vague and I'm left not knowing if Jonathan goes to a new world or if he's just wandering around Europe (or America?) getting shot at. I don't like to reword sentences for people - that would be putting it in my voice and it needs to be in yours or a main character's - but please take a long look at this again. Some of your sentences are too passive and/or cliche (It is for this reason... But for Jonathan... ...the power he possesses... ...his true potential... ...insurmountable odds...) and need more action and definition.

I feel like you need to stop worrying about formatting right now. Get the substance in there. Show (don't tell) what your story is about. Give some serious thought to cutting it to 100,000 words (harsh, but true). You mention on the other thread that you've been using editors. Make sure they're friends with grammar or they aren't looking for those stubborn dangling participles and such either. Trust me - commas are not my friend and I can read the same sentence a million times and not notice that I'm missing one. I can write, but I need a comma expert to edit for me :)

Also, the others have suggested taking out the info about the sequel and your credentials. If you can cut this novel down and use some of it to make a significant step towards completion of a second novel, I think it's okay to mention it. Something in the last paragraph would be okay if you also add that the sequel is pending upon this current book's success. Again, others will argue, but I've had success putting this in on other forums with other writer's points of view. Finally, if your counseling and psychology degrees and experience contribute to your ability to write this book, I think it's fine to very briefly mention them. I'm proud of my master's degree, but I left that off of mine because it didn't have anything to do with my book. I can't tell if yours does or not.

I'm not usually this windy, but I think you're legitimately looking for some help. Maybe you'll find something here to help you on that journey.

[Quill]

I think most of Quill's advice was good, but half of the suggestions were that you were too vague and half were that you were too specific and I don't think that worked out very well.

Where did I suggest he was too specific?

[JaEvans]

Thank you Erica75,

Below is a tiny revision in the sense that I moved the paragraph order and I added something about Anne. I guess I am stuck on the 190,000 words because my novel is like two in one. In the novel Jonathan journeys to find his lost father while discovering that he is a "Dritan", descendent of the Sons of God. Anne has her own problem in France as Mr.Boutlier, a mid level criminal looking to grow in stature, is working deviously to gain her mother's wealth. The novel begins with two chapters on Jonathan's father which explain his disappearance. Then it moves forward with alternating chapters for Anne and Jonathan until they’re paths merge once again in the last chapter, in the World of Light and Shadow. Both Anne and Jonathan's stories are full stories hence the word count. Though separate they are also intertwined. This adds a lot of character to the book, in my opinion of course, and I cannot see how the novel can be shortened. With that said, I need to find a way to express all that is going on. There are two main characters, multiple antagonists, and a number of story lines that intertwine.

Any advice on how to convey all that in a query so that the agent gets the scope of what I am trying to accomplish?

And as you indicated in you comment, Yes I am really interested in people's advice and I am trying to incorporate it. I take all of you very serviously, I respect your opinions, and I appreciate the help. So, thanks, and please keep commenting. If you need to know more about the book in order to comment then I would be glad to share a bit more about it with you.

Thanks again.



Dear Great Agent:

It has been ten thousand years since a descendant of the Sons of God has returned to the World of Light and Shadow. Though Jonathan is not aware of whom he is or the power he possesses there are many in this world and beyond who are. Some will fight to keep him from realizing his true potential while others will risk everything to help him fulfill what has been foretold, that he will restore the balance between light and darkness.

Jonathan Cornwallis has spent the better part of his nineteen year lifespan investing in poor choices. It is for this reason that his father sent him away to study under the tutelage of the Arch Bishop. At the tail end of this last change to turn his life around, the game changes in ways no one could have ever anticipated.

Jonathan’s father is missing in America, his love interest leaves for France with no explanation, and the King of England wants him to leave the country to never return. In 1769 there are few options available for disavowed young adults without family or country. But for Jonathan Cornwallis, this is just the beginning.

Whether it’s musket shot, cannon fire, the beast that haunts his dreams, or a well placed frying pan to the side of his head, Jonathan Cornwallis must overcome insurmountable odds in reaching his destination. What he finds on the road to personal redemption is that love, murder, war, and power, are all caught up in the pull of the World of Light and Shadow, as is his own destiny.

Anne DeVries thought she loved Jonathan but cannot be too sure. After being returned to France she finds herself up to her neck in danger and drama. Mr. Boutlier wants her mother's wealth while he mother, Dominique, wants to see Anne with a French patriot rather than an Englishman. With Mr. Boutlier willing to kill for his share of the good life, the DeVries find themselves on a world win journey in the hopes liberation and healing. Side by side the stories of Jonathan and Anne unfold until they reunite in the World of Light and Shadow.

JONATHAN CORNWALLIS AND THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is an adventure/fantasy fiction novel complete at 190,000-words. Thematically the novel touches on love, religious dogmatics, slavery, cross race relations, and family loyalty.

[shadow]

I didn't read the other comments or your first query.

Dear Great Agent:

It has been ten thousand years since a descendant of the Sons of God has returned to the World of Light and Shadow. OK. So what? You need to hook the agent. This means hook them with your story which means including your MC in the hook. Though Jonathan is not aware of whom he is or the power he possesses there are many in this world and beyond who are. That so far sounds very used. It's been done. Try and present it in a different manner.Some will fight to keep him from realizing his true potential while others will risk everything to help him fulfill what has been foretold, that he will restore the balance between light and darkness. For a strange reason that reminds me of Harry Potter. It's ok but I suggest for you to make it more original. I mean your story might be great and completely different but your query has to be as well. Don't worry though. Queries are tough and I am sure you will get it perfectly!

Jonathan Cornwallis has spent the better part of his nineteen year lifespan investing in poor choices.Investiong what? Money? It is for this reason that his father sent him away to study under the tutelage of the Arch Bishop. At the tail end of this last change to turn his life around, the game changes in ways no one could have ever anticipated. That really throws me off there. It's too confusing.

Jonathan’s father is missing in America, his love interest leaves for France with no explanation, and the King of England wants him to leave the country to never return. In 1769 there are few options available for disavowed young adults without family or country. But for Jonathan Cornwallis, this is just the beginning. Just the beginning of what?

Whether it’s musket shot, cannon fire, the beast that haunts his dreams, or a well placed frying pan to the side of his head, Jonathan Cornwallis must overcome insurmountable odds in reaching his destination. I would take away that list. What he finds on the road to personal redemption is that love, murder, war, and power, are all caught up in the pull of the World of Light and Shadow, as is his own destiny.

Anne DeVriesWho is Anne? If you mentioned her before i apologize but I am busy and so are agents and if you don't make things very clear they will miss them. thought she loved Jonathan but cannot be too sure. You should not switch perspectivesAfter being returned to France she finds herself up to her neck in danger and drama. Don't say danger and drama show it! Mr. Boutlier wants her mother's wealth while her mother, Dominique, wants to see Anne with a French patriot rather than an Englishman. With Mr. Boutlier willing to kill for his share of the good life, the DeVries find themselves on a world win journey in the hopes liberation and healing. Side by side the stories of Jonathan and Anne unfold until they reunite in the World of Light and Shadow.

JONATHAN CORNWALLIS AND THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is an adventure/fantasy fiction novel complete at 190,000-words. That is on the long side. There are many words that you can cut that are unneeded. Go to writeitsideways.com and they just made a post on cutting extra adverbs and such. It was very helpful to me. Thematically the novel touches on love, religious dogmatics, slavery, cross race relations, and family loyalty. Do not say what the novel touches. Your query should reflect that. Also your query gave me no insight of the plot whatsoever. So I am still left in the dark here and I don't think agents like to be left in the dark. Take my critique with a grain of salt and I wish you luck! If you have a new version I will come back and edit that one too :)

[JaEvans]

Hi Shadow and everyone that has been helping. I really appreciate all your comments and help. Here is my third installment. Please feel free to be blunt. These things are so hard to get right and so much more difficult without accurate feedback. You guys have no idea how helpful you have been. This third attempt is likely still off but it is also miles away from the first. Thanks again.


Dear Great Agent,

Jonathan Cornwallis is a free spirited nineteen year old born to a prominent eighteenth century British family. He also happens to be the first full blooded Dritan to walk the earth in ten thousand years.

While studying with his uncle, the Arch Bishop, he had read about the Sons of God described in the book of Enoch, but, as far as he had been taught, they had all been wiped out in the great flood. Little did Jonathan know that he was not only a descendent of this line, but his coming had been prophesied thousands of years earlier in the World of Light and Shadow.

Jonathan’s path to realizing who he is has been severely complicated by his father’s disappearance and the sudden departure of the woman he thinks he loves, Anne DeVries. Then there are the nightmares. From the World of Light and Shadow a beast has reached into Jonathan’s dreams in the hope of either winning him over to the darkness or killing him if he refuses. At the same time, there are those on earth who know of the power held in the World of Light and Shadow and they want a piece of it for themselves.

Anne DeVries, aside from being Jonathan’s love interest, is the illegitimate daughter of the King of England. After spending six long years at his table she is finally repatriated back to France and into her mother’s warm embrace. Unfortunately for Anne, France offers a cool reception. Upon her arrival she is promptly taken hostage by a mid level criminal, Mr. Boutlier, in the hopes that he can secure her mother’s vast wealth. His plan is to rekindle a war with England while establishing for himself a place at the table with the very power brokers who are after Jonathan’s legacy. Side by side the stories of Jonathan and Anne unfold until they reunite in the World of Light and Shadow

JONATHAN CORNWALLIS AND THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is a adventure/fantasy novel complete at 190,000-words.

[shadow]

Hello Again! :)

Dear Great Agent,

Jonathan Cornwallis is a free spirited nineteen year old born to a prominent eighteenth century British family. This doesn't exactly grasp me. It isn't particularly super exciting but it does tell me who the character is and how old he is and where he comes from. So a good step better then your last hook.He also happens to be the first full blooded Dritan to walk the earth in ten thousand years. I don't know if it is just me but I don't know what a Dritan is.

While studying with his uncle, the Arch Bishop, he had read about the Sons of God described in the book of Enoch, but, as far as he had been taught, they had all been wiped out in the great flood. Little did Jonathan know that he was not only a descendent of this line, but his coming had been prophesied thousands of years earlier in the World of Light and Shadow. World of light and shadow? Is that what they call earth in your book? So he is a prophecy? This comes off a little cliche to be honest.

Jonathan’s path to realizing who he is has been severely complicated by his father’s disappearance and the sudden departure of the woman he thinks he loves, Anne DeVries. Good! I now know who Anne is! Then there are the nightmares. From the World of Light and Shadow a beast has reached into Jonathan’s dreams in the hope of either winning him over to the darkness or killing him if he refuses.If it's in his dreams then what could that beast do to actually hurt him? At the same time, there are those on earth who know of the power held in the World of Light and Shadow and they want a piece of it for themselves. The stakes. I would only suggest to specify who 'those on earth' are.

Anne DeVries, aside from being Jonathan’s love interest, is the illegitimate daughter of the King of England. This is sort of extra and it sort of flew out at me and disturbed the flow of your query. I suggest of letting us know this when you first introduce her.After spending six long years at his table she is finally repatriated back to France and into her mother’s warm embrace. Unfortunately for Anne, France offers a cool reception. Upon her arrival she is promptly taken hostage by a mid level criminal, Mr. Boutlier, in the hopes that he can secure her mother’s vast wealth. His plan is to rekindle a war with England while establishing for himself a place at the table with the very power brokers who are after Jonathan’s legacy. Side by side the stories of Jonathan and Anne unfold until they reunite in the World of Light and ShadowI would keep it in one POV if I were you.

JONATHAN CORNWALLIS AND THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is a adventure/fantasy novel complete at 190,000-words.

[JaEvans]

Dear Great Agent,

Deeply hidden away in another dimension of existence lies a spiritual realm entrusted with balancing the forces of light and darkness within the universe. This realm is on the verge of being tipped into perpetual darkness and Jonathan Cornwallis, a free spirited nineteen year old born to a prominent eighteenth century British family, stands as their unlikely saviour.

Though he has lived his life completely unaware, Jonathan happens to be the first descendent of the Sons of God to walk the earth in ten thousand years. By way of title that makes him a Dritian, and along with the title comes the power needed to push the darkness back effectively restoring balance. The problem for those in the spirit realm, the World of Light and Shadow, is getting him there.

Though Jonathan is not aware of whom he is or the power he possesses there are many on the earth and beyond who are. “If you do not join us I will kill you where you stand,” snarled the beast that haunts Jonathan’s dreams. From the depths of the spirit realm the darkness has sent its warrior, the beast, into Jonathan’s dreams in the hope of either scaring him over to the darkness or killing him if he refuses. Even the dreams of men are not safe from the reach of the World of Light and Shadow.

While awake, Jonathan is pursued by a group of powerful men known only as the Viata. They have successfully guided world events from behind the scenes for centuries but that is not enough for them, they too want a piece of the power held in the spirit realm.

Jonathan’s path to realizing who he is, and restoring balance to the universe, would have been difficult enough without his father’s disappearance and the sudden departure of the woman he thinks he loves, Anne DeVries. Aside from being Jonathan’s love interest, Anne is also the illegitimate daughter of the King of England. After spending six long years at his table she is finally repatriated back to France and into her mother’s warm embrace. Unfortunately for Anne, France offers a cool reception. Upon her arrival she is promptly taken hostage by a mid level criminal, Mr. Boutlier, in the hopes that he can secure her mother’s vast wealth. His plan is to rekindle a war with England while establishing for himself a place at the table with the very power brokers who are after Jonathan’s legacy.

As Jonathan seeks his answers in the new world, Anne seeks Jonathan in search of answers of her own. What they both find on the journey is that nothing escapes the pull of the World of Light and Shadow.

GATEWAY TO THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is an adventure/fantasy novel completed at 190,000 words.

[JTB]

the only thing I can add here is that there's a lot going on and your MC is unaware of too much, some of which may not be needed in a query - I'd try and get to the core of the story in each paragraph, tell it straight and then work outwards from there e.g. ...

'Hidden away in another dimension lies a spiritual realm entrusted with balancing the forces of light and darkness. The realm is on the verge of being tipped into perpetual darkness and Jonathan Cornwallis, a free spirited nineteen year old, stands as its unlikely saviour.'

it's easier for me now to see what's going on, but that's just me

[JaEvans]

Thanks, I see what you are saying. The two areas where I say he is unaware both involve his status as a Dritain but it does sound like he is in the dark about too much and looks like a bit or rewording would be helpful.

Any more suggestions would be appreciated. I have thick skin so please do not hold back.

[Quill]

Dear Great Agent,

Deeply hidden away...

[Clip]

GATEWAY TO THE WORLD OF LIGHT AND SHADOW is an adventure/fantasy novel completed at 190,000 words.

You've got over 450 words there, which I believe is at least twice too long for a query description.

[JaEvans]

Thanks Quill.
It all fits on a single page Times Roman size 12 font. I am not sure about word count. I thought it just needed to be a single page. Are there parts you think need to change? What parts are not needed? Please let me know.

Thanks,

Jason