QUERY: Playing God

[SteveShakespeare]

I’ve gone through a few very different drafts for my query letter, and because of the archetypal nature of the story (elite agent discovers something horrible about his government and rebels) I’ve come to realize the importance of focusing on the details which make it different. This is my latest attempt, though I’m sure not nearly my last. I’d be happy to hear any criticism/advice.

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Dear XXXX:

Agent Fern has lost all control over his time-travel device. It’s bad enough that every civilization has countless conspiracy theories about the wondrous monuments his people have scattered throughout time, like those damn pyramids, but now he has to worry about jumping unexpectedly into the middle of a major event and altering the course of human history. Fern’s job is to make sure that doesn’t happen, but when a rebel operative sabotages his equipment, surviving the spastically changing times long enough to find the people responsible for his misery becomes far more important than keeping the future’s influence away from the past.

Who knows how many mythical heroes are inspired by the six-and-a-half-foot figure of Agent Fern racing carelessly through extinct empires after these rebel saboteurs? It’s bound to get him either exiled or executed when he returns to the present. But no, his leaders are too busy battling dissent in the colonies hidden throughout the past, and conducting their own discreet manipulations of history. They have been posing as gods and using man-made disasters to frighten ancient civilizations into an obedient mindset that will be passed down from generation to generation, shaping humanity to listen to one higher power in the present. Disgusted with this revelation, Agent Fern must decide: stay safe and endure the mental anguish of continuing to contribute to this injustice, or join the rebels who ruined his life in a perilous, and probably futile, attempt to abolish the tyranny strangling every era of existence.

The 78,000-word thriller, Playing God, is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

ME

[jessicatudor]

I like it. I think it has a somewhat light, humorous tone to it that stands out to me from other quasi thrillers, etc. However.

Your tenses are doing funny things. The first two are fine, but then the next sentence sort of mirrors/re-states the time frame. I think it's the first clause. Grammatically, this would be better:

"When a rebel operative sabotages his equipment, Agent Fern loses all control over his time-travel device. It’s bad enough that every civilization has countless conspiracy theories about the wondrous monuments his people have scattered throughout time, like those damn pyramids, but now he has to worry about jumping unexpectedly into the middle of a major event and altering the course of human history. Fern’s job is to make sure that doesn’t happen, but surviving the spastically changing times long enough to find the people responsible for his misery becomes far more important than keeping the future’s influence away from the past."

The next para is fun. My concern is in calling it a straight up thriller when it's clearly got science fiction written all over it. Do thrillers allow speculative elements like time travel without being classified as scifi? I don't read enough thrillers to know, but Brown and Rollins types don't seem to go full-on sci-fi, they sort of flirt with a magical realism type of halfway point. However, I admit my ignorance in this area, as I'm a speculative fiction reader and writer, so my first thought was, this is science fiction, fast-paced thrillery scifi, but scifi. I am probably wrong!

[A.M.Kuska]

Hello SteveShakespeare,

I'm very excited about your query letter, and the storyline you're representing here. I got a good clear idea of what the story was about, and of your writing skills. I'm impressed with both. Below are my thoughts on your query, paragraph by paragraph. Please understand that this is just personal opinion. My best advice for you is to evaluate each comment you get individually, decide if the advice is right for you, and keep or toss that advice as you like. I hope some of my thoughts are helpful to you.

Agent Fern has lost all control over his time-travel device. It’s bad enough that every civilization has countless conspiracy theories about the wondrous monuments his people have scattered throughout time, like those damn pyramids, but now he has to worry about jumping unexpectedly into the middle of a major event and altering the course of human history. Fern’s job is to make sure that doesn’t happen, but when a rebel operative sabotages his equipment, surviving the spastically changing times long enough to find the people responsible for his misery becomes far more important than keeping the future’s influence away from the past.

I love your opening hook. Losing control over a time-travel device certainly got my attention, and I flew to the next sentence to find out what exactly was going wrong.

Your second sentence I am still puzzling over. I get the general meaning of the sentence, but the first half is super hard for me to read. I'm not sure what the problem is exactly, perhaps the sudden mention of 'every civilization'.

Once we get to "Those damn pyramids" it's easy reading again. You amp up the tension nicely by mentioning little things like altering Earth's history, which tie in with your overall theme.

I become confused again when you mention Fern's job is to make sure altering the course of history does not happen. If it's being altered because of a mechanical malfunction, why does his job revolve around it?

I love the ending of this paragraph.

Who knows how many mythical heroes are inspired by the six-and-a-half-foot figure of Agent Fern racing carelessly through extinct empires after these rebel saboteurs? It’s bound to get him either exiled or executed when he returns to the present. But no, his leaders are too busy battling dissent in the colonies hidden throughout the past, and conducting their own discreet manipulations of history. They have been posing as gods and using man-made disasters to frighten ancient civilizations into an obedient mindset that will be passed down from generation to generation, shaping humanity to listen to one higher power in the present. Disgusted with this revelation, Agent Fern must decide: stay safe and endure the mental anguish of continuing to contribute to this injustice, or join the rebels who ruined his life in a perilous, and probably futile, attempt to abolish the tyranny strangling every era of existence.

The 78,000-word thriller, Playing God, is my first novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

ME

This second paragraph is much stronger than the first, and I love the image of Agent Fern dashing through ancient history, leaving a trail of myths and legends in his wake. It took me two more read throughs before I noticed that you switched from Agent Fern's perspective to a kind of omniescent narrative halfway through. You could fix this by saying, "Agent Fern finds out that his leaders have been..." or something like that.

I really think this query shows a lot of promise, and that you should stick with it. It gives a clear idea of the story line, it has a strong hook, and it just needs a little bit more polish to make it perfect.

Once again these are just my personal thoughts. Please take them or leave them as you see fit.

[theWallflower]

Agent Fern has lost all control over his time-travel device. It’s bad enough that every civilization has countless conspiracy theories about the wondrous monuments his people have scattered throughout time, like those damn pyramids, but now he has to worry about jumping unexpectedly into the middle of a major event and altering the course of human history. Fern’s job is to make sure that doesn’t happen, but when a rebel operative sabotages his equipment, surviving the spastically changing times long enough to find the people responsible for his misery becomes far more important than keeping the future’s influence away from the past.

-"unexpectedly" is not necessary
-"control over" or "control of"?
-I think you need to explain a little better what he was doing originally. Obviously the story starts when he loses control, but what
-Why is his agency scattering monuments around history? And why are the pyramids "damned"? It adds flavor, but also confusion.
-What caused him to lose control of the device?
-The second sentence is quite long.
-"For his misery" is not necessary
-Is Fern's job to avoid jumping into an event or altering the course of history? The sentence structure makes it ambiguous.
-What are the rebel operatives rebelling against?
-This explains the premise, but not so much the story. What's the first thing that happens when he loses control of his time device?

Who knows how many mythical heroes are inspired by the six-and-a-half-foot figure of Agent Fern racing carelessly through extinct empires after these rebel saboteurs? It’s bound to get him either exiled or executed when he returns to the present. But no, his leaders are too busy battling dissent in the colonies hidden throughout the past, and conducting their own discreet manipulations of history. They have been posing as gods and using man-made disasters to frighten ancient civilizations into an obedient mindset that will be passed down from generation to generation, shaping humanity to listen to one higher power in the present. Disgusted with this revelation, Agent Fern must decide: stay safe and endure the mental anguish of continuing to contribute to this injustice, or join the rebels who ruined his life in a perilous, and probably futile, attempt to abolish the tyranny strangling every era of existence.

-What's being sabotaged? What's the goal? Is Fern's mission to stop the rebels, fix his device, or get back home?
-Is he really racing "carelessly"? I thought he was trying not to alter history.
-There are some long sentences in here. I recommend not making any sentences longer than 20 words.
-I think the first paragraph needs to explain the protagonist (his name and his archetype -- what sort of person is he?), what the problem is (ambiguous -- his time device is malfunctioning, and he's either trying to get back to his own time, chasing rebels, or trying to fix history) and what he's going to do about it (not explained, besides race carelessly through time). Also you can explain why he's doing what he's doing. The second paragraph can explain the twist, that he might get exiled or executed, or that the leaders behind the agency are trying to shape history so they become leaders in their own time.
-I think you also need to carefully look at condensing your words. For example, "attempt to abolish" could be just "abolish"

[ahalaw]

I like your first line. It's short and catches our interest. The next line is long though. I would change it to "It’s bad enough that every civilization has countless conspiracy theories about the monuments his people have scattered throughout time--the pyramads, [some other mandmade structure]--but now he has to worry about jumping altering the course of human history." Basically I cut "wondrous" and "unexpectedly into the middle of a major event" and added the dashes to create parenthetical of sorts. The next line is also a bit wordy. Do we need surviving "the spastically changing times long enough to find the people responsible for his misery"? I think you can cut that entirely. I know, that's easy for me to say--it's not my booK!

The next paragraph is awesome. I love the twists; they're revealed very well--in increasing significance. The last paragrah, though, is too short for my tastes. If you don't have any publishing credentials, I would explain what markets or authors the book resembles. Also, like jessicatudor said, it doesn't sound much like a thriller. More like science fiction. The last suggestion I have for the final paragraph is to reseach your agents and try to include something specific here, the "kiss-up-o-meter" as Nathan calls it. As it is, the letter ends quickly and flatly.

I hope that helps.

--ahalaw

[SteveShakespeare]

Thank you all for the great advice, it was very helpful to have a few fresh sets of eyes to look over the letter. The consensus was that the first sentence was good, the rest of the paragraph needed some work and the second paragraph while having a few too long sentences was pretty effective.

So with this draft I decided to leave out the monuments because while it is a fun little aspect, it doesn't have any major influence on the story other than showing that his people have been adept at keeping their influence on the past unnoticed. Instead, as Wallflower suggested, I used the first paragraph to focus on the story rather than the premise. And the second paragraph I left pretty much the same with the exception of breaking up a few of the longer sentences.

Again, any insight and opinions would be much appreciated. Thanks in advance.

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Dear XXXX:

Agent Fern has lost all control of his time-travel device. After being shot with a tranquilizer by a mysterious woman, he awakens to a stampede of soldiers storming a beach. A moment later he is sent to an ancient ice-field and left to the mercy of primitive man. For someone as well-trained as he, survival at all costs is second nature. Unfortunately, so is pride. These instincts drive Agent Fern through each new era after this rebel operative. She wants to use history to show him the consequences of blind devotion. He just wants his device fixed, so he can return to his superiors and salvage his career as the premier protector of the past—a job that gets harder with every jump.

Who knows how many mythical heroes are inspired by the six-and-a-half-foot figure of Agent Fern racing through extinct empires? He’ll probably be exiled or executed when he returns to the present. But no, his government is too busy battling dissent in the colonies hidden throughout the past. And besides, they’ve been making their own discreet manipulations of history. Fern discovers his superiors have been posing as gods and using man-made disasters to terrorize ancient civilizations. Their goal is to mold an obedient mindset that will be passed down through generations, shaping humanity to listen to one higher power in the present. Disgusted with this revelation, Agent Fern must decide: stay safe and continue to contribute to this injustice, or join the rebels who ruined his life in a perilous, and probably futile, attempt to abolish the tyranny strangling every era of existence.

The 78,000-word science-fiction thriller, Playing God, is my first novel. (Insert reasons for querying particular agent.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

ME

[A.M.Kuska]

I love it. ^^

[charity_bradford]

I have not read the other comments so if I repeat what has been said, I apologize. I like to comment as I read it to let you know my first initial reaction to things. Hope it helps, and remember it is just my opinion.

Dear XXXX:

Agent Fern has lost all control of his time-travel device. After being shot with a tranquilizer by a mysterious woman, he awakens to a stampede of soldiers storming a beach. A moment later he is sent to an ancient ice-field and left to the mercy of primitive man. For someone as well-trained as he, survival at all costs is second nature. Unfortunately, so is pride. These instincts drive Agent Fern through each new era after this rebel operative. She wants to use history to show him the consequences of blind devotion. He just wants his device fixed, so he can return to his superiors and salvage his career as the premier protector of the past—a job that gets harder with every jump. So, did the woman tamper with his time-travel device so that she controls where he is going? If so, you may want to make it a little more clear that she is sending him to specific points in time to serve her purpose. Why does each jump make salvaging his career harder? Seems like once he gets the device fixed he could just go back to the point he left and his superiors would not know the difference.

Who knows how many mythical heroes are inspired by the six-and-a-half-foot figure of Agent Fern racing through extinct empires? He’ll probably be exiled or executed when he returns to the present This is why is job is in jeopardy? Just doesn't flow well for me.. But no, his government is too busy battling dissent in the colonies hidden throughout the past. And besides, they’ve been making their own discreet manipulations of history. Should you start with "But no,"? Should it be dissenters? Are there rebel groups who have escaped to the past using time devices or are they colonies the government started? I think you can cut the second sentence because it is the same as the next one which I believe is stronger. Fern discovers his superiors have been posing as gods and using man-made disasters to terrorize ancient civilizations. Their goal is to mold an obedient mindset that will be passed down through generations, shaping humanity to listen to one higher power in the present. Disgusted with this revelation, Agent Fern must decide: stay safe and continue to contribute to this injustice, or join the rebels who ruined his life in a perilous, and probably futile, attempt to abolish the tyranny strangling every era of existence. What happened to the mysterious lady that started this? You should tie her back in somehow.

The 78,000-word science-fiction thriller, Playing God, is my first novel. (Insert reasons for querying particular agent.)

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

ME

All in all I like it and think you have a great start. The book sounds interesting too.

[jessicatudor]

I love it too - my only request is to mention the specific of Fern's job like you have in the original version.

Agent Fern has lost all control of his time-travel device. After being shot with a tranquilizer by a mysterious woman, he awakens to a stampede of soldiers storming a beach. A moment later he is sent to an ancient ice-field and left to the mercy of primitive man. For someone as well-trained as he, survival at all costs is second nature. Unfortunately, so is pride [pride is second nature? that doesn't make sense]. These instincts drive Agent Fern through each new era after this rebel operative. She wants to use history to show him the consequences of blind devotion. He just wants his device fixed, so he can return to his superiors and salvage his career as the premier protector of the past, making sure the future doesn't influence the past and alter the course of human history —a job that gets harder with every jump.

I also agree with cutting the repetitive sentence in the second paragraph and maybe mentioning the girl again in the last sentence, obviously she's one of the rebels he'd have to join, which is great conflict, but actually mentioning her might be a nice full-circle device.

Otherwise, good luck with it! Sounds like a fun book!