Query: THE CHANGELING, MG Fantasy

[juniperjenny]

Hey there! I'm brand new to this forum. I've sent this query to a few agents and gotten no response whatsoever, so I'd love input! I'll be glad to give my two-cents once I have some idea what I'm talking about.
I tried to make this teaser-ish, but my hunch is that it's too short. What do you think?
Thank you guys! Here's the new version. I hope the "tease" isn't lost. :)

______________________________________

I’ve recently completed my first novel. Your agency has a wonderful reputation and client list, and I would be honored if you’d consider adding me to your roster.

Tom O’Malley just has to get through the next week. It’s horrible enough that he’s starting a new prep school tomorrow, but his parents have skipped town for yet another business trip and his annoying older sister is playing babysitter. So when he’s cornered by a legion of goblins offering to swap him with a changeling for the week, he jumps at the opportunity.

Bad idea. The more time Tom spends in the putrid Bog Kingdom, or out on human baiting “frights” with the power-mad Boggobs, the more he realizes his mistake. The sinister Captain of the Bog Goblins plucked Tom from the human world for a reason - and he doesn’t intend to send him back. Not as a human, anyway.

Rescues arrive in the form of a snooty ballerina, a bookish goblin page, a squadron of outpost elves, and a swarm of precognitive flies. But in order for Tom to get home in time to save his sister from the changeling, he’ll have to set out on his own to learn the truth – about the surprising origins of this world, the endless wall that separates it from his own, and his newfound ability, the dangerous power that first set the goblins on his trail.

THE CHANGELING is a 73,000 word middle-grade fantasy-adventure, the first in a proposed series. I’m a graduate of NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and the creator of the **** web series.

Thank you very much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you!

[CoachMT]

Hey there! I'm brand new to this forum. I've sent this query to a few agents and gotten no response whatsoever, so I'd love input! I'll be glad to give my two-cents once I have some idea what I'm talking about.
I tried to make this teaser-ish, but my hunch is that it's too short. What do you think?

Your hunch is correct. We need to know things like why he just has to get through the next week and why having the changeling is a bad idea. I struggled with the "not wanting to give the story away" problem too and I'm trying to fix it = ) I think your writing style is good, an agent just needs to see more in the query. Mine is still a WIP and I'd appreciate your thoughts It's here: viewtopic.php?f=12&t=881

[GG_Writer]

Your hunch is correct. We need to know things like why he just has to get through the next week and why having the changeling is a bad idea.

I agree. I like your voice, but you need to elaborate on what the main conflict is going to be. At this point it could be anything. His life could be in danger, his family's lives could be in danger, changeling could be causing all sorts of havoc ... etc. You don't necessarily need to give away the ending, but more indication of what actually happens in the story.

Good luck!

[Lunetta22]

I think that this sounds like a lot of fun and definitely something that I would read. I agree with GG writer

I agree. I like your voice, but you need to elaborate on what the main conflict is going to be. At this point it could be anything. His life could be in danger, his family's lives could be in danger, changeling could be causing all sorts of havoc ... etc. You don't necessarily need to give away the ending, but more indication of what actually happens in the story.

Good luck!

[jessicatudor]

Hey there! I'm brand new to this forum. I've sent this query to a few agents and gotten no response whatsoever, so I'd love input! I'll be glad to give my two-cents once I have some idea what I'm talking about.
I tried to make this teaser-ish, but my hunch is that it's too short. What do you think?
Thank you guys! Here's the new version. I hope the "tease" isn't lost. :)

______________________________________

I’ve recently completed my first novel. Your agency has a wonderful reputation and client list, and I would be honored if you’d consider adding me to your roster.

Tom O’Malley just has to get through the next week. It’s horrible enough that he’s starting a new prep school tomorrow, but his parents have skipped town for yet another business trip and his annoying older sister is playing babysitter. So when he’s cornered by a legion of goblins offering to swap him with a changeling for the week, he jumps at the opportunity.

Bad idea. The more time Tom spends in the putrid Bog Kingdom, or out on human baiting “frights” with the power-mad Boggobs, the more he realizes his mistake. The sinister Captain of the Bog Goblins plucked Tom from the human world for a reason - and he doesn’t intend to send him back. Not as a human, anyway.

You have a fun voice, great for MG.

Rescues arrive in the form of a snooty ballerina, a bookish goblin page, a squadron of outpost elves, and a swarm of precognitive flies. But in order for Tom to get home in time to save his sister from the changeling, he’ll have to set out on his own to learn the truth – about the surprising origins of this world, the endless wall that separates it from his own, and his newfound ability, the dangerous power that first set the goblins on his trail.

Your query works really well until here. It was all tight and succinct and then you threw in a laundry list of extra characters. They sound like a fun bunch but it's kind of garbling things up. I would maybe nix it altogether, or condense it and put it in later. 'For Tom to save his sister from the changeling, he'll have to trust some unusual allies to escape the goblins and learn ....' Also, you might mention something about the dangerous power, like, what is it?

THE CHANGELING is a 73,000 word middle-grade fantasy-adventure, the first in a proposed series. I’m a graduate of NYU’s Tisch School of the Arts and the creator of the **** web series.

Thank you very much for your time, and I look forward to hearing from you!

The book sounds like a lot of fun and this query does a pretty good job of explaining it. :)

[KaylingR]

JJ-

I really like this, and I'm surprised you haven't gotten a nibble. How many are 'a few'? Definitely not too short. I'll put on my nit-pickiest hat to give you some feedback. Keep what's helpful and ignore the rest. :)

I’ve recently completed my first novel. Your agency has a wonderful reputation and client list, and I would be honored if you’d consider adding me to your roster.

FWIW, I've heard that you want to put this at the end with electronic queries. So many agents are reading on blackberries, you want the first screen to have your hook.

Tom O’Malley just has to get through the next week. It’s horrible enough that he’s starting a new prep school tomorrow, but his parents have skipped town for yet another business trip and his annoying older sister is playing babysitter.

On the previous note, this is set up, not hook. It's amusing, it has great voice, but we're still waiting on the hook.

So when he’s cornered by a legion of goblins offering to swap him with a changeling for the week, he jumps at the opportunity.

Here's your hook, try to start with this. "When cornered by a legion of goblins, Tom O'Malley jumps at the opportunity to swap with a changeling for a week." For example.

The more time Tom spends in the putrid Bog Kingdom, or out on human baiting “frights” with the power-mad Boggobs, the more he realizes his mistake.

I wonder if you could work some of that set up in here. "The more time Tom spends....the more he realizes the new prep school, absent parents, and being looked after by his annoying big sister." Only the much better way you say it ;)

Not as a human, anyway.

*love* this.

Rescues arrive in the form of a snooty ballerina, a bookish goblin page, a squadron of outpost elves, and a swarm of precognitive flies.

I don't know what you mean by 'rescues arrive'. Are these complications? It's a great list, but I'm confused.

his newfound ability, the dangerous power that first set the goblins on his trail.

great cliffhanger!

I think this is great. I would totally have read this in middle school.
-K.