*Revised* Query: THE DREAM PLAYER-Middle Grade

[cjtrapp]

Jake Wakely is no stranger to being a stranger. He’s lived abroad for the first thirteen years of his life. But after being sent to his father's childhood hometown of Sleepy Valley to live with his grandparents, his ‘new kid’ mystique is fading fast.

Jake gets off to a bad start by choosing the wrong friends. They include Simon, a Native Diwali from the Plateau with a bit of a smart mouth, and Matty-boy, a narcoleptic computer geek who can’t seem to keep his pants up.

Much has changed in Sleepy Valley since Jake's father lived there as a boy. Crater Lake mysteriously disappeared, and the Plateau and the Valley no longer play the Unity Game, an annual lacrosse match founded to celebrate their cross-cultural cooperation. Jake discovers that his father played in the games—including the final game fifteen years ago which was never finished. No one in the valley plays lacrosse anymore, and no one wants to talk about the unfinished game.

Jake and Simon's friendship disrupts the town's spurious peace, leading them to a government plot to keep the public calm and compliant. Armed with lacrosse sticks and an erratic cell phone, Jake and his friends must awaken the people by convincing them to complete the unfinished game, with Jake playing in place of his father.

One problem, Jake’s family legacy may destroy him first.

THE DREAM PLAYER, a middle-grade adventure novel, chronicles Jake’s miraculous journey. The completed manuscript is 65,000 words, and is the first in a potential “Origins of the Game” series encompassing other sports with ancient roots. More info and a partial manuscript are available at http://www.thedreamplayer.com.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[taylormillgirl]

Jake Wakely is no stranger to being a stranger. I like this; it made me :-) He’s lived abroad for the first thirteen years of his life. But after being sent to his father's childhood hometown of Sleepy Valley to live with his grandparents, his ‘new kid’ mystique is fading fast. I'd like to know why he was sent away. Did his father take a new job? Get tired of parenting? Where's his mother?

Jake gets off to a bad start by choosing the wrong friends. They include Simon, a Native Diwali What's that? from the Plateau with a bit of a smart mouth, and Matty-boy, What's a Matty-boy? a narcoleptic computer geek who can’t seem to keep his pants up. Ha ha! Nice!

Much has changed in Sleepy Valley since Jake's father lived there as a boy. Crater Lake mysteriously disappeared, and the Plateau and the Valley no longer play the Unity Game, an annual lacrosse match founded to celebrate their cross-cultural cooperation. Jake discovers that his father played in the games—including the final game fifteen years ago which was never finished. No one in the valley plays lacrosse anymore, and no one wants to talk about the unfinished game. You say much has changed, but mention only 2 things- the lake's absence and the games. I'd like a bit more.

Jake and Simon's friendship disrupts the town's spurious peace,How? leading them to a government plot to keep the public calm and compliant. Explain.Armed with lacrosse sticks and an erratic cell phone, Jake and his friends must awaken the people by convincing them to complete the unfinished game, with Jake playing in place of his father. Neat. I'm assuming the games are magical.

One problem, Jake’s family legacy may destroy him first. Either explain a little more, or strike this last sentence.

THE DREAM PLAYER, a middle-grade adventure novel, chronicles Jake’s miraculous journey. The completed manuscript is 65,000 words, and is the first in a potential “Origins of the Game” series encompassing other sports with ancient roots. More info and a partial manuscript are available at http://www.thedreamplayer.com.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

I visited your website and skimmed through your partial. I really like your style! Everything flows nicely and you describe action/movement well. Best of luck to you!

[cjtrapp]

taylormillgirl-thanks for your kind words. A revision is below. Answered most questions, except for the first one, which I think creates a little needed intrigue.

Dear Agent:

Jake Wakely is no stranger to being a stranger. He’s lived abroad for the first thirteen years of his life. But after being sent to his father's childhood hometown of Sleepy Valley to live with his grandparents, his ‘new kid’ mystique is fading fast.

Jake gets off to a bad start by choosing the wrong friends. They include Simon, a Native Diwali Indian from the Plateau with a bit of a smart mouth, and Matty-boy, a narcoleptic computer geek who can’t seem to keep his pants up.

Much has changed in Sleepy Valley since Jake's father lived there as a boy. Crater Lake mysteriously disappeared, and the Plateau and the Valley no longer play the Unity Game, an annual lacrosse match founded to celebrate their cross-cultural cooperation. Jake discovers that his father played in the games—including the final game fifteen years ago which was never finished. No one in the valley plays lacrosse anymore, and no one wants to talk about the unfinished game.

Jake and Simon's friendship disrupts the town's spurious peace by exposing their prejudice. The unrest leads Jake to a government plot to keep the public segregated yet dazedly productive in the town’s lone factory.

Armed with lacrosse sticks and an erratic cell phone, Jake and his friends must awaken the people by convincing them to complete the unfinished game, with Jake playing in place of his father. But when Jake uncovers his father’s fateful role in the unfinished game, he gets caught between his friendship with Simon and his own family legacy.

THE DREAM PLAYER, a middle-grade adventure novel, chronicles Jake’s miraculous journey. The completed manuscript is 65,000 words, and is the first in a potential “Origins of the Game” series encompassing other sports with ancient roots. More info and a partial manuscript are available at http://www.thedreamplayer.com.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[jessicatudor]

taylormillgirl-thanks for your kind words. A revision is below. Answered most questions, except for the first one, which I think creates a little needed intrigue.

Dear Agent:

Jake Wakely is no stranger to being a stranger. He’s lived abroad for the first thirteen years of his life. But after being sent to his father's childhood hometown of Sleepy Valley to live with his grandparents, his ‘new kid’ mystique is fading fast.

Jake gets off to a bad start by choosing the wrong friends. They include Simon, a Native Diwali Indian from the Plateau with a bit of a smart mouth, and Matty-boy, a narcoleptic computer geek who can’t seem to keep his pants up.

Much has changed in Sleepy Valley since Jake's father lived there as a boy. Crater Lake mysteriously disappeared, and the Plateau and the Valley no longer play the Unity Game, an annual lacrosse match founded to celebrate their cross-cultural cooperation. Jake discovers that his father played in the games—including the final game fifteen years ago which was never finished. No one in the valley plays lacrosse anymore, and no one wants to talk about the unfinished game.

Jake and Simon's friendship disrupts the town's spurious peace by exposing their prejudice. The unrest leads Jake to a government plot to keep the public segregated yet dazedly productive in the town’s lone factory.

Armed with lacrosse sticks and an erratic cell phone, Jake and his friends must awaken the people by convincing them to complete the unfinished game, with Jake playing in place of his father. But when Jake uncovers his father’s fateful role in the unfinished game, he gets caught between his friendship with Simon and his own family legacy.

THE DREAM PLAYER, a middle-grade adventure novel, chronicles Jake’s miraculous journey. The completed manuscript is 65,000 words, and is the first in a potential “Origins of the Game” series encompassing other sports with ancient roots. More info and a partial manuscript are available at http://www.thedreamplayer.com.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Yes, this. Great job. I get the voice, I get the plot and the stakes, and enough info to know who, what, and why I should care. Maybe it's just me, but I think this version is a winner. My only wince comes in your last sentence. I've had enough computer viruses to avoid going to any unknown website. I would offer this tidbit later when a relationship or at least a correspondence has been established and the agent can assume you aren't (intentionally or otherwise) going to get his/her computer sick.

[cjtrapp]

Thanks, all.

Most of the agent websites I visit encourage the use of author websites. They show professionalism and a committment to the business aspect of publishing. Also, simply visiting a website generally does not put one's computer in danger.

[jordynface]

I think the revised version is spot-on, only thing I would suggest is making sure it's clear that this first book can be a stand-alone even though you mention a potential series. I've heard it said that you don't want to query with a "series idea," and I don't think you do that here but I'd be extra careful with it.