Query Crit - SotA

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Tzalaran
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Query Crit - SotA

Post by Tzalaran » December 10th, 2009, 9:51 pm

my goal is to have my rough draft revised and polished by my birthday, but i'm now advancing that to the end of January.

This is my query, which i've gotten some advice on. i'd appreciate any comments you have, so i can get this ready to mail it out as soon as the novel is polished. Thanks.
--------------------------------------

In the city of Karat-Sizan, someone who is hunted can hide forever amongst the multitude of people and still enjoy life. All Tzalaran Smitzeez needs is an easy way to retire and life would be perfect, although he wouldn't complain if his nightmares and the mercenary band hunting him vanished in the process.

Everything in Tzal's life changes when he saves a friend from a hit. The thugs he eliminates to save his friend were working for the most powerful crime lord in town, and the lords of the city don't appreciate other people killing their underlings.

Trouble continues to find Tzal, as his brother sends him to investigate a necromancer who has carved out a base underneath the city. Through exploring the undercity and searching for the necromancer Tzal uncovers agents from foreign nations in the city, and the agents are determined to kill him by any means necessary. The most radical upheaval comes after Tzal is cornered into a duel, and gets blackmailed into taking a young noblewoman as an apprentice or she will tell his enemies exactly where to find him.

Unable to directly fight the shadows complicating his life, Tzalaran sets out to unearth the cause of his problems while evading mercenaries and warlocks, whose demonic masters are hot on his trail yearning for when Tzal’s treachery can be avenged.

SCALES OF THE ASSASSIN, an epic fantasy, is complete at 103,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

My details and requested materials.
I'd rather hate myself for failing, than hate my life for never having tried.
"Success leads to stagnation. Stagnation leads to failure." - Vlad Taltos

jhoward
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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by jhoward » December 11th, 2009, 1:39 am

First of all here is my disclaimer: I am a novice. Take my opinions as a grain of salt my friend.

I get the gist from your hook that Tzal found a crowded city wherein he could hide in plain sight. He has good reason to hide. He may not be rich but he is happy. He could be happier. Maybe it is because I am tired but I had to read the hook a couple of times to make sure I understood it correctly and make sure I tied the two sentences together the way you wanted me to.

Then, assuming I had tied the two together correctly, which after I did was pretty obvious (but you don’t want to make a tired agent have to do the piecing together) I again had to infer that the changes were his rather peaceful hiding in plain sight days were over when he saves his friend.

I would also recommend making that next sentence “The thugs he eleimates. . . . killing their underlings” into two. I think it will read better as “The thugs he eliminates to save his friend worked for the most powerful crime lord in town. The lords of the city don’t appreciate other people killing their underlings.”

“Trouble continues to find Tzal” I am not an agent so I may be way off base here but I bet they hear phrases like that a lot.

Why are the agents so determined to kill him? Why is the mercenary band after him? Why are the warlocks and their demonic masters after him? Who is Tzal and why do so many people want hom to die? I get the idea behind the book and it sounds quite interesting. But I feel like you need to tell more about Tzal and why he is in the mess that makes the story the story.

Like I said, grain of salt. Good luck!

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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by Hillsy » December 11th, 2009, 6:30 am

Tzalaran wrote:my goal is to have my rough draft revised and polished by my birthday, but i'm now advancing that to the end of January.

This is my query, which i've gotten some advice on. i'd appreciate any comments you have, so i can get this ready to mail it out as soon as the novel is polished. Thanks.
--------------------------------------

In the city of Karat-Sizan, someone who is hunted - (Personally....I'd go for "on the run" instead...sounds less clunky) can hide forever amongst the multitude of people - (probably don't need this...if you say you can hide in a city forever it usually means it's vast and well populated....not that it's always dark and has no streetlamps...hehe) and still enjoy life. All Tzalaran Smitzeez needs is an easy way to retire (retire? you'd alluded to that fact he was being hunted...stick to it. If retire and being hunted are intrinsically linked then say so.) and life would be perfect, although he wouldn't complain if his nightmares and the mercenary band hunting him vanished in the process (Otherwise a decent opening - it alludes to the fact he can't 'lay low' and has wierd nightmares, AND someone wants to kill him. Good stuff)

Everything in Tzal's life changes when he saves a friend from a hit (1930 mob slang seems wierd in this, a fantasy query). The thugs he eliminates to save his friend were working for the most powerful crime lord in town, and the lords of the city don't appreciate other people killing their underlings. [b](Ok I've scanned below and this paragraph is totally unconnected...if it's meant to explain why the mercenries mentioned above are after him, we presume they are linked to the foreign agents mentioned below. If you're trying to comlicate his life by saying BOTH the crime lords and the foreigners want him dead....you need to show how this difficulty links in with the problem/task below.)[/b]

Trouble continues to find Tzal, as his brother sends him to investigate a necromancer (Is his brother his pimp or summin? If my brother just sent me somewhere I'd tell him which hole to stuff himself into. I presume there's a reason, possibly to do with the crimelords in the city. Even if it's just an xmas pressie his bro begs for - we need to know.) who has carved out a base underneath the city. Through exploring the undercity and searching for the necromancer - (Again you don't need. If you're being sent to investigate a necromancer in a city beneath the city, some exploring and searching are almost a given.) Tzal uncovers agents from foreign nations in the city, and the agents are determined to kill him by any means necessary. (WHY? What did he do? Crap in their backbacks?) The most radical upheaval comes after Tzal is cornered into a duel, and gets blackmailed into taking a young noblewoman as an apprentice or she will tell his enemies exactly where to find him. - Don't need - superfluous to the plot

Unable to directly fight the shadows complicating his life, Tzalaran sets out to unearth the cause of his problems while evading mercenaries and warlocks (Now Warlocks? Where'd they come from? Are they the foreign Agents mentioned above?), whose demonic masters are hot on his trail yearning for when Tzal’s treachery (what treachery? He hasn't betrayed anyone so far.) can be avenged.

SCALES OF THE ASSASSIN, an epic fantasy (A bugbear of mine so feel free to ignore it, but I'd say High Fantasy. 103000 words isn't epic really....if anything its rather deflating. On normal paperback fantasy with slightly smaller print 100000 words is about 300 pages. But honestly that's just me whinging about word count in novels...hehe), is complete at 103,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

My details and requested materials.
OK that might seem a bit harsh but on the PLUS side...There's a distinct voice there AND even though I'm having to make a lot of my own connections and second guess a little bit, I've got a very clear picture of the overall plot and a sense of how it'll be in terms of feel and style. These are all really good things - you just need to link together some more facts is all....=0)

good luck!

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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by Dakota388 » December 11th, 2009, 8:59 am

Tzalaran wrote:my goal is to have my rough draft revised and polished by my birthday, but i'm now advancing that to the end of January.

This is my query, which i've gotten some advice on. i'd appreciate any comments you have, so i can get this ready to mail it out as soon as the novel is polished. Thanks.I'd read your story. A hitman story in a fantasy world sounds cool. However, I agree with the above posts. Some minor tweaking might be needed. As you know from my query, I'm far from an expert.
--------------------------------------

In the city of Karat-Sizan, someone who is hunted can hide forever amongst the multitude of people (I'd probably leave that off) and still enjoy life. All Tzalaran Smitzeez needs is an easy way to retire and life would be perfect, although he wouldn't complain if his nightmares and the mercenary band hunting him vanished in the process. Nice.

Everything in Tzal's life changesMaybe do without "everything changes and instead dive right into showing how everything changes. Something like "When Tzal saves his dearest friend from a ruthless murder by the most powerful crime lord in town, he makes an enemy from whom he might not survive. (Not great, but you get the idea) I just thought these two sentences were a little passive. when he saves a friend from a hit. The thugs he eliminates to save his friend were working for the most powerful crime lord in town, and the lords of the city don't appreciate other people killing their underlings.

Trouble continues to find Tzal A little vague and cliched, I think., as his brother sends him to investigate a necromancer who has carved out a base underneath the city. Through exploring the undercity and searching for the necromancer Tzal uncovers agents from foreign nations in the city, maybe take out "and the" so it flows like this "agents from foreign nations in the city, agents determined to...and the agents are determined to kill him by any means necessary. The most radical upheaval comes after- Get rid of the most radical upheaval to get right into it. "Cornered into a duel, Tzal gets blackmailed... Tzal is cornered into a duel, and gets blackmailed into taking a young noblewoman as an apprentice so she won't tell...or she will tell his enemies exactly where to find him.

Unable to directly fight the shadows complicating his life, Tzalaran sets out to unearth the cause of his problems while evading mercenaries and warlocks, whose demonic masters are hot on his trail yearning for when Tzal’s treachery can be avenged.Break up this sentence. (I know because I always try to tell more in a sentence than I should).

SCALES OF THE ASSASSIN, an epic fantasy, is complete at 103,000 words.

I like it. Take my advice as only suggestions. One thing I would like to see is a small detail showing more of what makes it a fantasy. Like the evil warlocks scale walls with ease and attack with bolts from their eyes. A little more detail to make it obviously a fantasy. Let me add, don't take any of my advice if you don't agree 100%. Working on my own query, I know how hard it is to keep your own vision and try not to offend the people trying to help you. So I just wanted to let you know that I won't be offended.
Thank you for your time and consideration,

My details and requested materials.
"The Light of Epertase"-A fantasy novel coming August 1st from Rhemalda Publishing

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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by J.Jessamyn » December 11th, 2009, 10:35 am

I'll give this a shot, although I'm in the same boat and working on my query, as well. So, take my advice or leave it - I won't be offended, I promise. ;-)
Tzalaran wrote:In the city of Karat-Sizan, someone who is hunted can hide forever amongst the multitude of people and still enjoy life. All Tzalaran Smitzeez needs is an easy way to retire and life would be perfect, although he wouldn't complain if his nightmares and the mercenary band hunting him vanished in the process.You mentioned nightmares, but I don't see them come up anywhere else in the query. Are they really that important? If they are, I'd tie them back in somewhere else later on.

I agree about the "multitude of people" line being a little unnecessary because you mentioned it was a city. Perhaps, to borrow jhoward's words in his post below, perhaps you could come right out and say "could hide in plain sight forever" or something along those lines.

I'm a bit confused, though. Was he already being hunted by a separate mercenary band and is already hiding (back story) when all this happens to further complicate things, or are these mercenaries the result of the events listed afterward? I was led to believe he was already on the run when I read it the first time through, but now I'm not so sure... Then again, I may be way off base and missing the obvious.


Everything in Tzal's life changes when he saves a friend from a hit. The thugs he eliminates to save his friend were working for the most powerful crime lord in town, and the lords of the city don't appreciate other people killing their underlings.

Trouble continues to find Tzal, as his brother sends him to investigate a necromancer who has carved out a base underneath the city. Through exploring the undercity and searching for the necromancer Tzal uncovers agents from foreign nations in the city, and the agents are determined to kill him by any means necessary. The most radical upheaval comes after Tzal is cornered into a duel, and gets blackmailed into taking a young noblewoman as an apprentice or she will tell his enemies exactly where to find him.
What confused me about this paragraph is I have no idea who all these enemies are. Are they all connected, or are they separate? I'm getting the impression that they are separate, but if they are, then what happened to the crime lord? So far you have a crime lord, a necromancer, foreign agents, and a duel with someone, and a random noblewoman, and the only thing I'm seeing in common with them all is Tzal. And if that's the very point and it is all very random to Tzal as well, perhaps come right out and say that so the reader knows it's intended to appear to be unconnected.

Unable to directly fight the shadows complicating his life, Tzalaran sets out to unearth the cause of his problems while evading mercenaries and warlocks, whose demonic masters are hot on his trail yearning for when Tzal’s treachery can be avenged.
And here we have seemingly yet another random enemy - warlocks. Were they one of the groups mentioned in the paragraph before?

SCALES OF THE ASSASSIN, an epic fantasy, is complete at 103,000 words.
I agree with not using the word "epic" here, although I don't have a better suggestion... sorry

Thank you for your time and consideration,

My details and requested materials.
I know I wrote an awful lot and it's depressing; I posted my query here after I thought it was great and it ended up completely sucking. So don't think badly of me... :-/

One thing that's hard about queries is keeping in mind that no one else knows what exactly your story is about at this point. I know you read your query and it makes perfect sense to you, which is natural because you're the one who wrote it! :-) But things that are obvious to read in between the lines to you are not so obvious to others. For example, you're thinking "of course all these guys want to kill character X, it's perfectly logical" while everyone else is going "jeez, this guy must have 'kill me' stamped on his forehead because everyone automatically wants him dead."

When I rewrote my query, I thought of it this way (with a bit of credit going to those who posted suggestions for me): Dumb it down, state what is painfully obvious to you. One poster for my query said to pretend you're talking to 12 year-olds (can't remember who it was... sorry!). Keep it simple and general, making sure to tie everything in to each other, while at the same time hinting that there really is a lot more depth to the plot than meets the eye. Tease the reader! And when you do that, you'll find out that you really weren't "dumbing things down" at all, even though it probably felt that way to you when you first wrote it.

And I'm really not sure what prompted me to type all that... maybe because I felt so bad about riddling your query with so many comments. But you have a good story here, I can tell, you just need to convince the rest of the world of it (or at least an agent, then they can convince the world for you ;-) )
~J. Jessamyn~

Tzalaran
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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by Tzalaran » December 11th, 2009, 10:56 am

Thanks to all of you who took the time to comment.

I'm not offended at all, and appreciate the time you took to give me your impressions, as they will help when i go to revise my query tonight (revising queries is harder than revising the novel itself). The one thing i've learned is that if i'm getting consistent confusion in my readers, there is something that i'm not making clear enough. i'll address specific points when i'm not at work and have more time to spend on it.

Thanks again!
I'd rather hate myself for failing, than hate my life for never having tried.
"Success leads to stagnation. Stagnation leads to failure." - Vlad Taltos

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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by Joel Q » December 11th, 2009, 2:02 pm

Tzalaran

After reading your query and seeing the replies, I don't think I can add much, expect to simplify an answer.

You have a lot going in the query, I think you need to tie everything together, showing the protags motives in reaction to the antags while letting the plot flow.

After I read that, it sounds real simple, so how come writing queries are so hard.

Good luck, the manuscript sounds interesting.

JQ

EDIT: Please show us how the revisions look.

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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by shadow » December 11th, 2009, 2:40 pm

Hello there, I am going to give your query a shot. Take my advice or leave it, but what I have to say is that I am also going through the revising period and am going to query late Jan/early Feb and I know how tough that is. Even if you itch to send out the queries don't, honest, make it perfect.Anyways back to your query...

In the city of Karat-Sizan, someone who is hunted *I would change that. can hide forever amongst the multitude of life would be perfect, although he wouldn't complain ipeople and still enjoy life. All Tzalaran Smitzeez needs is an easy way to retire and his nightmares and the mercenary band hunting him vanished in the process.This last sentence is awkward. Try to make your plot shine through in the hook and i know its tough but you will get it :)

Everything in Tzal's life changes when he saves a friend from a hitA hit? Is he shot? Is he hit by a car? Be more specific.. The thugs he eliminates to save his friend were working for the most powerful crime lord in town, and the lords of the city don't appreciate other people killing their underlings.

Trouble continues to find Tzal, as his brother sends him to investigate a necromancer who has carved out a base underneath the city. Through exploring the undercity and searching for the necromancer Tzal uncovers agents from foreign nations in the city, and the agents are determined to kill him by any means necessary. The most radical upheaval comes after Tzal is cornered into a duel, and gets blackmailed into taking a young noblewoman as an apprentice or she will tell his enemies exactly where to find him.

Unable to directly fight the shadows complicating his life,Make this a bit more clear. Tzalaran sets out to unearth the cause of his problems while evading mercenaries and warlocks, whose demonic masters are hot on his trail yearning for when Tzal’s treachery can be avenged.

SCALES OF THE ASSASSIN, an epic fantasy, is complete at 103,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

My details and requested materials.

Good Luck!!
All things writing, visit my blog http://arielemerald.blogspot.com/

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Tzalaran
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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by Tzalaran » December 11th, 2009, 9:46 pm

Initially, i was going to post responses to the questions, but i think it would be better at this point to see if my revised query answers the questions/addresses the issues that were found in the previous query. I think this one will

kept it to 244 words, so i've got enough to make a personalized opening (keep it under 300 words is the guideline i've seen most often).

Please let me know what you think about this version.
------------------------------------------------------------

Tzalaran Smitzeez is used to being hunted. Ever since he fled the mercenary band that trained him to be an assassin, he’s been pursued by bounty hunters and warlocks. When he arrived in the city of Karat-Sizan, he thought all his troubles avoiding his enemies were over. In the multitudes of the city even he could hide forever and find happiness. If he could just stop the nightmares, and control the visions that knock him unconscious, life would be perfect.

When Tzal interrupts a warlock attempting to abduct one of his friends, the serenity that accompanied his life in the city vanishes. The thugs he eliminates to save his friend work for the most influential crime lord in the city, and the lords don’t appreciate other people killing their underlings. The attack by a warlock from the Empire of Axius announces foreign agents active in the city, and Tzal discovers they are working with the lords.

Tzalaran returns to his job, and hears of an army of corpses sent into the city by a necromancer who carved out a residence in the undercity. He is tasked with uncovering the necromancer and eliminating him. The shock when Tzal discovers that the necromancer works with the mercenary band he is running from sends him into a frantic race to escape the noose closing around his neck.

SCALES OF THE ASSASSIN, a fantasy novel, is complete at 103,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,

------------------------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading.
I'd rather hate myself for failing, than hate my life for never having tried.
"Success leads to stagnation. Stagnation leads to failure." - Vlad Taltos

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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by Tzalaran » December 18th, 2009, 4:41 pm

i tweaked the revision a bit more, and unless someone can point out flaws in this version, i'll use this when i start querying in the middle of January.

Thanks for any suggestions you can give.
_____________________________________

Tzalaran Smitzeez is used to being hunted. Ever since he fled the mercenary band that trained him to be an assassin, he’s been pursued by bounty hunters and warlocks. When he arrived in the city of Karat-Sizan, he thought all his troubles avoiding his enemies were over. In the multitudes of the city even he could hide forever and find happiness. If he could just stop the nightmares, and control the visions that knock him unconscious, life would be perfect.

When Tzal interrupts a warlock attempting to abduct one of his friends, the serenity that accompanied his life in the city vanishes. The thugs he eliminates to save his friend work for the most influential crime lord in the city, and the lords don’t appreciate other people killing their underlings. Warlocks from the Empire of Axius working for the lord make an attempt on his life, and Tzal hears of an army of corpses sent into the city by a necromancer who carved out a residence in the undercity. Knowing the two must be related, Tzal moves to eliminate the threats before the city can fall under the control of the ruthless Empire.

Discovering that the necromancer works with the mercenary band he has fled from sends Tzalaran running in darkness, avoiding mercenaries and warlocks whose demonic masters yearn for Tzal’s treachery to be avenged.

SCALES OF THE ASSASSIN, a fantasy novel, is complete at 100,000 words.

Thank you for your time and consideration,
________________________________________

Thanks for reading.
I'd rather hate myself for failing, than hate my life for never having tried.
"Success leads to stagnation. Stagnation leads to failure." - Vlad Taltos

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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by Joel Q » December 18th, 2009, 5:17 pm

Nice work on the revisions.
Here are few thoughts/comments. Sorry if they make you grumble.
JQ
Tzalaran wrote:
Tzalaran Smitzeez is used to being hunted. Ever since he fled the mercenary band that trained him to be an assassin, he’s been pursued by bounty hunters and warlocks. When he arrived in the city of Karat-Sizan, he thought all his troubles avoiding his enemies were over. (To me, the first two sentence contradict each other...hunted vs troubles over... why does he think that?) In the multitudes of the city even he could hide forever and find happiness. If he could just stop the nightmares, and control the visions that knock him unconscious, life would be perfect. (Why do we need to know about the nightmares and visions? How do they impact the plot? Is there enough room in the query to explain this? If not, think about rewording or deleting?)

When Tzal interrupts a warlock attempting to abduct one of his friends, the serenity that accompanied his life in the city vanishes. The thugs he eliminates to save his friend work for the most influential crime lord in the city, and the lords don’t appreciate other people killing their underlings. Warlocks from the Empire of Axius (I'd leave out the name EofA for sake of detail overload) working for the lord make an attempt on his (Tzal's?) life, and Tzal hears of an army of corpses sent into the city by a necromancer who carved out a residence in the undercity. Knowing the two must be related (how are they related... is the nec part of the Empire), Tzal moves to eliminate the threats before the city can fall under the control of the ruthless Empire.

Discovering that the necromancer works with the mercenary band he has fled from sends Tzalaran running in darkness, avoiding mercenaries and warlocks whose demonic masters yearn for Tzal’s treachery to be avenged.
After the second paragraph I thought we had the plot and Tzal goal, then this short paragarph adds more to the plot.)

(I think you have too much going on, too many plot details that don't flow, too many bad guys listed to keep track. But more important, I am not sure what Tzal's motivation is to eliminate the threats.)

SCALES OF THE ASSASSIN, a fantasy novel, is complete at 100,000 words.

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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by Tzalaran » February 12th, 2010, 7:48 pm

@JQ - thanks for the tips. i did a final tweak and then revisited your comments. Now i know why i changed what i did.

i've gotten through my revision, and i think it is time to see what kind of feedback i get on this version. If you see any glaring mistakes, please let me know.

Thanks!
---
Tzalaran Smitzeez is used to being hunted. Ever since he fled the mercenary band that trained him to be an assassin, he’s been pursued by bounty hunters and warlocks. After arriving in the city of Karat-Si’Zan, Tzal thought even he could hide forever in the multitudes of the city, and find happiness.

When Tzal interrupts a warlock attempting to abduct one of his friends, the anonymity that accompanied his life in the city vanishes. The thugs he eliminates to save his friend work for the most influential crime lord in the city, and the lords don’t appreciate other people killing their underlings. Warlocks from the Empire working for the lord make an attempt on Tzalaran’s life, and he learns of animated corpses sent into the city by a necromancer who carved out a residence in the undercity. Where there are warlocks, their demonic masters can’t be far away. This forces Tzalaran to face his past, or allow the ruthless Empire to take control of Karat-Si’Zan.

SCALES OF THE ASSASSIN, a fantasy novel, is complete at 98,000 words.
I'd rather hate myself for failing, than hate my life for never having tried.
"Success leads to stagnation. Stagnation leads to failure." - Vlad Taltos

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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by Tzalaran » August 12th, 2010, 8:56 am

After feedback from my beta readers, and another revision pass resulting from that, i've reworked the query.
-----
Being hunted is nothing new to Tzalaran. He’s run from mercenaries and warlocks for so long, hiding is a reflex.

Upon arriving in Karat-Si’Zan, Tzal thought he could hide forever in the hordes of the capital. When Tzal kills a warlock and his cronies who try to abduct a friend, the anonymity Tzal values vanishes. Tzal soon finds himself the target of two demonic factions and their warlock minions attempting to subvert Karat-Si’Zan, with only his abilities as an assassin and the bone tomahawk he found when refusing his families patron to prevent them from succeeding.

SCALES OF THE ASSASSIN, a 98,000 word fantasy, will appeal to fans of Brust’s ‘Taltos’ series and Moorcock’s ‘Elric’ saga.
-----
Thanks for reading.
I'd rather hate myself for failing, than hate my life for never having tried.
"Success leads to stagnation. Stagnation leads to failure." - Vlad Taltos

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Quill
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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by Quill » August 12th, 2010, 10:43 am

Tzalaran wrote: Being hunted is nothing new to Tzalaran. He’s run from mercenaries and warlocks for so long, hiding is a reflex.
I know that avoid being hunted down can involve both running and hiding, but I don't think the two are interchangeable. There for it is awkward to read he's been running so long that hiding is a reflex.
Upon arriving in Karat-Si’Zan, Tzal thought he could hide forever in the hordes of the capital.
Thinks he can hide. (You changed tense there).

Also, "Upon arriving" is a bit awkward. As he arrives he thinks he can hide forever? Maybe it would help to omit "Upon".
When Tzal kills a warlock and his cronies who try to abduct a friend, the anonymity Tzal values vanishes.
Wording a bit awkward, "the anonymity Tzal values vanishes". How about just, "his anonymity vanishes" or something.
Tzal soon finds himself the target of two demonic factions and their warlock minions attempting to subvert Karat-Si’Zan,
Good. This seems enough for one sentence.
with only his abilities as an assassin and the bone tomahawk he found
Seems he could pick up other weapons if he needed them? Is the tomahawk special? If so, please say.
when refusing his families patron to prevent them from succeeding.
Unclear. Is there punctuation missing in "families"(an apostrophe) and "patron" (an "s" pluralizing) Who are "his families"? What patron? Prevent "them" who from succeeding (the families or the patron)? Succeeding in what? Refusing what?
SCALES OF THE ASSASSIN, a 98,000 word fantasy, will appeal to fans of Brust’s ‘Taltos’ series and Moorcock’s ‘Elric’ saga.
-----
Thanks for reading.
I don't know those authors but it sounds like a ripping tale.

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wilderness
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Joined: February 21st, 2010, 6:25 pm
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Re: Query Crit - SotA

Post by wilderness » August 13th, 2010, 9:24 pm

Hi Tzalaran,

I know you've worked hard on this query given the number of revisions but I don't think you've quite found the right balance of details yet.

The last few versions are too terse. While I agree with Joel Q that there was too much going on in the first few versions, they were at the same time somewhat vague. I notice you haven't named any of the characters besides Tzalaran -- adding to the general vagueness. We have to keep track of an unnamed mercenary band, an unnamed friend who was almost abducted, an unnamed crime lord, and unnamed necromancer. I don't know if you're trying to avoid name soup but we have nothing concrete to hang on to. Also, I'm confused by some of the verbiage: warlocks and necromancers mean the same thing to me. I'm not sure if you're trying to use them as synonyms or if you are actually implying two separate beings.

We know he is a former assassin hiding from his previous mercenary band and then all of a sudden he has to fight a lot of wizards.

I think you need you need to take a step back and think about your one sentence pitch and your central conflict. Once you know your central conflict, the rest of the query should focus on this climax. What is everything heading toward?

In one version, you mention that he learns that the necromancer works with the mercenary band he fled from. This is a key plot point; it ties everything together. I imagine your main conflict revolves around this. If I were you, I would focus on how this ties together and go from there.

As Quill said, it sounds like you have quite an action-packed tale here. Just need to focus more. Hope what I said helps.

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