Query from an Aussie, YA, Title: The Woodlands

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LaurenNTaylor
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Query from an Aussie, YA, Title: The Woodlands

Post by LaurenNTaylor » July 17th, 2012, 10:06 pm

I am currently seeking representation for THE WOODLANDS, my completed young adult, dystopian adventure novel of 82,500 words. The target age range is 13-18 years. Set in the Woodlands, the human settlement built in Russia by the chosen survivors of World War V. Violent, heartbreaking and unashamedly romantic, the book weaves love with impossible decisions, sacrifice with bravery, and survival against the cost of conviction.

Rosa should be happy or, at the very least, grateful. The boy she loves, the one she thought she had lost forever, has rescued her from the underground facility she was being held in, drugged and pregnant. But when he announces that she is carrying his baby, her flood of relief turns into a stretching desert of distrust. Cracked and brittle. A thousand puzzle pieces she has no idea how to put back together.

How can she reconcile how much she wants him with how much she doesn't want this baby? If she had time maybe she could answer that question but there is none. She has to run. She is being hunted: By the wild animals that have taken over the land since the people retreated to the safety and isolation of the concrete rings, and by the white coats of the facility, whose plan is more sinister and intricate than Rosa could have ever imagined.

Her time is running out and like it or not, the baby is coming.
Last edited by LaurenNTaylor on July 18th, 2012, 12:04 am, edited 2 times in total.

LaurenNTaylor
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Re: Query from an Aussie

Post by LaurenNTaylor » July 17th, 2012, 10:19 pm

I need help to know if I'm on the right track. Queries aren't big in Australia. :)

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Re: Query from an Aussie, YA, Title: The Woodlands

Post by hagenpiper » July 18th, 2012, 8:30 am

LaurenNTaylor wrote:I'm no expert, but I'll have a crack at this.I am currently seeking representation (<-- You can cut that - it's pretty much implied.) for THE WOODLANDS, my completed young adult, dystopian adventure novel of 82,500 words. The target age range is 13-18 years. (<-- Personally, I'd put all this info stuff last. The reader doesn't care enough yet to want that info. Hook me into the story, then provide the info.) Set in the Woodlands, the human settlement built in Russia by the chosen survivors of World War V. (<-- Sometimes fragments are good. This one, however, just doesn't work. You haven't told me enough for me to imply the verb.) Violent, heartbreaking and unashamedly romantic, the book weaves love with impossible decisions, sacrifice with bravery, and survival against the cost of conviction. (<-- Nice sentence.... but.... that's almost like a used car salesman insisting what a great ride this car is. Do you believe him, or would you rather just drive the thing and judge for yourself?" Think of it from the buyer's perspective. You're a salesman desperate to sell the book, perhaps you should just hand over the keys and get started with the main character.)

Rosa should be happy or, at the very least, grateful. The boy she loves, the one she thought she had lost forever, has rescued her from the underground facility [[she was being held in]] (<-- if she wasn't being "held there", she wouldn't have required rescuing), drugged and pregnant. But when he announces that she is carrying his baby, her flood of relief turns into a stretching desert of distrust. Cracked and brittle. A thousand puzzle pieces she has no idea how to put back together. (<-- Ummm.... a stretching desert of distrust makes me stop and think... ummm... alliteration, metaphor... sounds nice, but do they actually travel over a desert? Or are you simply over-writing? Two metaphors in one sentence is a bit on the over-the-top side. Three actually; "flood of relief" counts, too - granted that one makes the idea easy understand, whereas the desert metaphor makes it more difficult. You might only use poetic devices in the query if they make the idea easier for the reader to grasp - not easier for you to express, leaving it up to the reader to figure out. It's not unlike a doctor telling you the nature of your terminal illness in solely medical terminology - easy for him to express, but not so easy for the patient to understand.)

How can she reconcile how much she wants him with how much she doesn't want this baby? If she had time maybe she could answer that question but there is none. She has to run. She is being hunted: By the wild animals that have taken over the land since the people retreated to the safety and isolation of the concrete rings, and by the white coats of the facility, whose plan is more sinister and intricate than Rosa could have ever imagined.

Her time is running out and like it or not, the baby is coming.
You know what might help? Write a 2 page synopsis: Exposition, Rising Action, Climax, Falling Action and Resolution. Protagonist / Antagonist (human or otherwise) - what kinds of obstacles does she face, what kinds of things does she do? Once you've done that you'll have a much clearer picture of the story's arc and can then condense it into a query that expresses it. What you have now isn't selling me the excitement/drama in the arc.

I hope this critique (or at least parts of it) help you.

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wilderness
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Re: Query from an Aussie, YA, Title: The Woodlands

Post by wilderness » July 18th, 2012, 12:31 pm

Hi there,

If you're new to queries, check out Query Shark: http://queryshark.blogspot.com/
She's got tons of examples of what to do and what not to do.

Currently, I don't have a good idea of what happened to Rosa.
LaurenNTaylor wrote:I am currently seeking representation for THE WOODLANDS, my completed young adult, dystopian adventure novel of 82,500 words. Query Shark suggests you put this information after the pitch section.

The target age range is 13-18 years. This is implied by YA. Set in the Woodlands, the human settlement built in Russia by the chosen survivors of World War V. If you can work this information into the pitch portion it might be better. People might skim over it here.

Violent, heartbreaking and unashamedly romantic, the book weaves love with impossible decisions, sacrifice with bravery, and survival against the cost of conviction. This is telling. You should show us these things in the pitch section.

Rosa should be happy or, at the very least, grateful. The boy she loves, the one she thought she had lost forever, has rescued her from the underground facility she was being held in, drugged and pregnant. But when he announces that she is carrying his baby, her flood of relief turns into a stretching desert of distrust. Cracked and brittle. A thousand puzzle pieces she has no idea how to put back together.

Whoa. I haven't gotten my feet on solid ground yet. I think you need to bring us into this world a little more slowly. Tell us what's going on a little more. My first thought was if it's his baby, is he the one who kidnapped and drugged her? I think you should tell us here what type of facility it was. Also you should name the boy since he seems to be a major player.

How can she reconcile how much she wants him with how much she doesn't want this baby?
The way it's written, it sounds to me like he raped and drugged her. In which case, she wouldn't want him.

If she had time maybe she could answer that question but there is none. She has to run. She is being hunted: By the wild animals that have taken over the land since the people retreated to the safety and isolation of the concrete rings, and by the white coats of the facility, whose plan is more sinister and intricate than Rosa could have ever imagined.

1) What kind of wild animals will hunt her? Does that mean they are intelligent like humans?
2) What are the concrete rings?
3) Where is she headed?


Her time is running out and like it or not, the baby is coming.

LaurenNTaylor
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Re: Query from an Aussie, YA, Title: The Woodlands

Post by LaurenNTaylor » July 18th, 2012, 8:49 pm

Thanks for your input. I feel like I am going around in circles. In Australia they usually ask for a synopsis and sample chapters. It's really hard to know what is the right info to put in and what's not. Heres a more synopissy (I know thats not a word) version but I am sure it is way too long.

Following World War 5, the remaining leaders of the world consulted their scientists and decided on a number. The number was 8000. Each country would randomly select 8000 people to take to the new settlement, like a perverted lottery. The rest would be left to die.
250 years on, the towns of Woodlands stand in the Russian wilderness. Eight concrete walled compounds that keep the people protected but also absolutely controlled.
Rosa, who lives in the compound of Pau Brasil, gets in trouble, a lot. It follows her from her home town to the Classes, the institution built to train young people to fill the holes the war created. When she stands up to one of her teachers, she knew it was a bad idea. But she couldn't help herself, she never does. She is beaten and thinks death will follow.
Instead, Rosa is pulled into a sinister plan to increase the population of Woodlands that eliminates the need for families. Taken from the Classes and hidden underground, hundreds of girls are sedated and impregnated using synthesized genetic material.
Then there's Joseph. The boy she met in Pau. She knows it a bad idea but of course that doesn't stop her from kissing him. A kiss that changes her from the inside out. A kiss that makes her leave for the Classes early only to have him pull away from her when they arrive. He knows they can't be together, they are from the same town, it's not allowed. Rosa doesn't care.
Joseph is sucked into the plan also. Unaware of what they are doing with them, he is ordered to collect samples of hair from every boy in the Classes, including his own. He doesn't know they will be used to make babies, to make his own child. Not at first. When Rosa disappears he starts searching for her. Typing in her name and id number late one night a single word flashes on the screen, 'matched'. He learns that Rosa is carrying his child.
When Rosa is rescued she can’t believe it when she sees Joseph. And she is shocked when he tells her the truth. How can she reconcile the fact that she wants him but doesn’t want his baby?
The rescue is only the beginning. Now they have to run. Following the tracks of the old Trans-Siberian railway they make their way to the Mongolian border not really knowing what they might encounter and where it will all end. All they do know for sure is that the baby is coming.

LaurenNTaylor
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Re: Query from an Aussie, YA, Title: The Woodlands

Post by LaurenNTaylor » July 18th, 2012, 9:13 pm

This is actually the first one I wrote. I thought it might be too simplistic:


If she had known this was the day, would she have done anything different? Could she have stopped the horrible events that unfolded before her eyes?

Maybe.

Probably not.


Rosa is a 16-year-old smart mouth with a dangerous attitude. She makes impulsive and often poor choices. Not a good way to be when you live in the harshly controlled, concrete compounds of the Woodlands. It is her weakness and her greatest strength. It’s why Joseph fell in love with her. But it’s also why she gets kicked out of the Classes in a spectacularly violent and final way.

Rosa can’t help herself. She doesn’t really want to.

When she wakes up in an underground facility, pregnant and captive the first thing she thinks is: She’s glad she vomited on the creepy, smiling doctor’s clean pants. The second thing she thinks is: Escape.

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LurkingVirologist
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Re: Query from an Aussie, YA, Title: The Woodlands

Post by LurkingVirologist » July 20th, 2012, 2:45 am

I think you've got a nice backbone for your story, sounds like a ton of potential for great conflicts: internal, inter-personal, and external adventure stuff. Kudos. My impression from what you've put out there is that the heart of the story is Rosa being used as a human incubator, only to find out that the 'thing' they put inside her happens to be the genetic child of her love interest. My (admittedly amateur) opinion is to focus on that. Give us just enough details to contextualize it, so that we understand that Joseph had nothing to do with what happened to her, but is none-the-less the father of her child. Once that hook is baited, you can toss in a little bit more of the adventure elements if you have space (you probably will).

The message I keep hearing on blog after blog and site after site (please correct me if I'm misreading =P) is that queries don't sell books, queries don't even fully describe books...queries make agents need to read the rest of your story. It seems like you've got a great WTF?!?!?! moment for your MC, so capitalize on it in your query. Be a little shameless about it!
"Books break the shackles of time, proof that humans can work magic." -Carl Sagan

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Re: Query from an Aussie, YA, Title: The Woodlands

Post by LaurenNTaylor » July 20th, 2012, 7:04 am

Thanks. Yes that's exactly it! Just not sure how to word it so it doesn't confuse people. I was disappointed that it sounded like Joseph had raped her. Yikes!

This one has no reference to the pregnancy just the journey:

The brochure reads: Travel the Great Trans-Siberian Railway. Trip of a lifetime. Family friendly.

SUICIDE MISSION!

That’s what Rosa thinks when they hold up the flimsy piece of paper they fished out of the archives and tell her this is the plan. After all the ridiculous things that have happened; starting with falling for Joseph, the irritatingly cheery boy whom she wants to simultaneously kiss and punch in the face, 3 weeks before she has to leave for the Classes. Being allocated the Class of Construction despite her tiny, girlish frame, and actually loving it. To ruining it all by doing what she always does, opening her big mouth, even though she knew she would be punished severely. She never thought she’d be standing on the other side of the wall, arguing with these fugitives, each with their own reason for running, including the impossibly beautiful and clumsy Joseph.

After what she did she should be dead. But she’s not, and somehow Joseph found her.

How do they know the tracks will still be there to follow? It has been 250 years since anyone has set foot outside the walls and nature has completely taken over. 260 years since World War V nearly wiped out the human race and the four remaining leaders retreated to the undamaged Russian wilderness; cocooning the survivors in eight harshly controlled, concrete compounds. Their descendants are the Superiors; responsible for taking away free will, suppressing love and ruling by fear.

Anyway, arguing is pointless. They have to run. The Superior’s soldiers are chasing them on the ground and in the air. And as the six mismatched travellers make their dangerous journey across Russia towards the Mongolian border, the surprising truth about why they are fugitives and why they are helping Rosa unravels to a catastrophic end.

I might try one working the baby stuff in next...

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Re: Query from an Aussie, YA, Title: The Woodlands

Post by chounzet » July 20th, 2012, 6:50 pm

I like this one the very best.

Rosa is a 16-year-old smart mouth with a dangerous attitude. She makes impulsive and often poor choices. Not a good way to be when you live in the harshly controlled, concrete compounds of the Woodlands. It is her weakness and her greatest strength. It’s why Joseph fell in love with her. But it’s also why she gets kicked out of the Classes in a spectacularly violent and final way. this last sentence should be changed...maybe something along the lines of: Another punishable disobedience.

Rosa can’t help herself. She doesn’t really want to. expand or get rid

When she wakes up in an underground facility, pregnant and captive the first thing she thinks is: She’s glad she vomited on the creepy, smiling doctor’s clean pants. The second thing she thinks is: Escape.

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